Posted by E on December 10, 2000 at 16:06:53:

I'm new to posting messages. This is the first time i've spoken out about my problem. I'm really scared. I'm 19 and in college. Over the summer I had gained a lot of weight. I'm 4ft 11in, and i weighed 115lbs. That's my highest ever. I started on a diet of eating every 2 hours, but very little each time, and very little carbohydrates. I think this began my obsession with food. I became a health food freak. Then, towards the end of the summer, I started restricting myself even more. This continued for 3 months, to the point where i was anorexic. I wieghed 85 pounds at the end of this period. Then I started eating more again. I would binge once and a while on very healthy, low calorie foods. When I went home for Thanksgiving break, I started bingeing on breads and cereals. Now, for the past two weeks i binge on junk food. I feel disgusting afterwards. I feel very sick. For example, today I started off eating a healthy lunch, and then (since I eat at a dining hall at college) I got up for a choc. chip muffin. Then I went to the food court and had a bran muffin. Then I went to the bagel shop. On the way back to my dorm room, I bought another bagel and ate it very quickly. I couldn't stop there. I had two cookies and a candy bar. Nobody sees me doing this. I don't binge in front of anyone. I keep telling myself that I will stop tommorrow and become anorexic again. I really want to be anorexic again, and I know this is very bad. I feel so sick right now, but i can't throw up. I tried for the first time the other day but i couldn't. so now i will fast for at least 24 hours. why do i do this to myself? i know i must have gained weight. I'm afraid that i will become obese. i've always been in control of myself, but i cant control the food that i eat. how can i stop without seeing a therapist. someone, please help.