Posted by Lilli
on August 20, 1999 at 15:34:47:
In Reply to: can anyone understand? posted by Jackie McLaurin on July 14, 1999 at 01:00:41:
How many words can I find to explain to you how very well I understand what you are going through. I too am 17, though will turn 18 soon, and I have been a bulemic for about three years now. I began as an anorexic, feeding myself with the smug glory of thin-ness. I was only fourteen when this nightmare of abnormality began...and I know how much it hurts when you see that there is no way to end it.
At least no way that I have found.
It is so hard... living at home, surrounded by concerned parents who found out about my "problem" awhile ago...took me for counseling, watched me with such care that I nearly went crazy, and lastly, made sure that I gained back the almost thirty pounds that I had lost. Oh, how I yearn now for those days when no one knew--now I can only continue this habit of mine when they are not looking. I live for the days when I am alone and can cram slices of pizza, dripping with cheese, into my mouth. When I can polish off those frigid gallons of ice cream...my lips numb and my stomach feeling cold.
Just yesterday I sat in Taco Bell amidst the disgusted stares of strangers...and ate till I couldn't feel anymore. Till the nearly fifty dollars that I had spent was forcing itself back up my throat. Then I fled to their restroom, which I had made sure before hand accomodated only one, to empty my hoard into the sink.
I even took off my shirt so as not to splatter it, afterwards washing my hands and face with hand sanitizer, and picking pieces of taco shell out of the tooth brush I had brought along to gag myself with. I sprayed perfume into the air and then I re-fixed my hair, staring blankly at the pale faced girl in the mirror.
Today it is a memory punctuated only by my sore throat and a burning desire to feed again.
I know I shall always be hungry. When I try to, as so many of my dear "comrades in compulsion" on this website, eat normally-- I cannot. I am forever hungry and cannot satisfy this huge void I have created within myself.
I would love to be normal again.
It seems like a faraway dream..but I can remember when pictures of food did not make me angry..when cutting out coupons for my Mother did not make me want to cry with hunger.
As it is now..I live for the days when I am free to do those things which must remain my secret.
My friend, I know...I truly know how you feel.
I wish that I could help you..but I cannot help myself.