Posted by Katrina on January 14, 2000 at 20:44:51:

In Reply to: binge eating, not purging...how can I stop? posted by Patricia on January 11, 2000 at 14:34:29:

: I haven't been able to find help for my problem because people either don't believe me
: or don't take me seriously. They think I am lying about it because they don't think I look
: fat at all.

: I am 5'9" tall and weigh 135lbs. I work out with a personal trainer (my boyfriend,
: actually) three times per week and I also run in races when the weather is nicer.

: In some ways, I take good care of myself. I do my hair and makeup everyday. I try to
: look nice, smell nice, etc...but I also do something really destructive. I binge.

: If I buy a box of crackers, chances are good I will eat the whole box in one sitting.
: Same thing with chips (so I rarely buy them). I eat loads of pasta, rice, popcorn. I just
: have this need to eat until I am stuffed. I hate it! I have never been able to make myself
: throw up and wouldn't want to.

: I don't look REALLY fat, but I have a bit of a stomach that makes me really
: uncomfortable. I have always had body image problems (or at least since I got hips at
: 13!) and they seem to get worse every time I binge.

: Sorry this is so long. I am really looking for input from anyone who knows how I feel or
: anyone who has had success in stopping this behaviour.

: I have been in counselling and I have been on antidepressants. I have read pretty
: much every book on the subject and even though I understand the theories put out, I
: can't seem to put the behaviour into practice.

: Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks:)

Dear Patricia,

I read your post today, and it was like going back in time. For fifteen years I lived a life of binging, just like you. I could not throw up. I couldn't bring myself to do that. Instead I would either live with the discomfort of my habit, or exercise until the point of fatique to "burn off every last calorie." Like you, I was not heavy. I tried to take care of myself...dressed nice, wore the makeup, smiled - but inside I was a mess. It took me a long time to break free from the binging cycle, and I'll tell you what worked for me. When I turned thirty, I had had enough. I was sick and tired of worrying about my weight, what I was eating, how much I was exercising, the scale, diet books, food,promises...etc. I literally walked away from it. I opened my closets and donated all of my "thin" clothes to charity, and then went out and bought new ones that fit - nice clothes..bigger, but nice. After that, I scaled my exercise down to 3-4 times a week instead of 7. I was starting to experience stress fractures in both of my shins from over use. I knew I had to take a smarter, heathier approach if I wanted to continue to exercise. Lastly, I gave myself permission to eat anything and everything I wanted without guilt....as much as I wanted, when I wanted. I decided that I was going to eat it anyway, so why not sit right down and enjoy it. I would sit at the kitchen table and eat to my hearts content. Sometimes I would walk away full. Other times I would quit before I was full, but I did it without guilt the whole time. Yeah, in the back of my mind I was afraid that I would gain all kinds of weight, but I didn't let it stop me.

An interesting thing happened in the scope of two years (the amount of time it took to see healing begin). I didn't gain any weight, and all of a sudden, all of the foods that I used to binge on didn't look or taste good to me anymore. I actually started to crave good food! As time went on, the binging totally disipated. The only thing I can think of is that the whole time I was binging, I was secretly telling myself that I either couldn't have it, that it was bad, it would make my problems go away, or that I would stop "after a few." I guess that the more I kept telling myself those things, the more I wanted to eat, and the worse I felt. It was a vicious cycle.

I am 38 now, and I don't binge anymore. I weigh less now than I did when I was 20, and I look better than I ever have. I eat right and I exercise. I don't count calories. I don't pop pills. I learned to love myself whether I was stuffed or starved. Patricia, I don't know what is driving you to binge, but something is. You may or may not be able to figure that out right now. What you need to do is start giving yourself permission to eat...period. My weakness used to be blueberry muffins...the huge kind at the bakery...the "600 calorie bad boys." I would buy a half dozen and tell myself that I was only going to have one, and the rest were for my family. Deep down, however, I knew I was in trouble when I bought them. You guessed it, the family never saw the muffins. I scarfed them all down, and felt so sick afterward. I was also disgusted with myself. So, that was one of the first foods that I experimented with. I sat down at the table in front of that box of muffins and told myself to "have at it." I only got three down before I quit! I was shocked. See, that's the key Patricia. You have to create an environment where no food is forbidden and you have total freedom to eat what you want and as much as you want.

Sheesh, sorry for the novel here. I really hope this helps you. Please write me back on here. I was exactly like you. I think that I can help you if you will let me. If you would like to email me, you can reach me at carusvesper@altavista.net. Feel free to write anytime.
Best Wishes ~

Katrina (ignore the typos!)