Posted by Carol
on February 24, 2000 at 04:14:32:
In Reply to: Re: Why don't we..... (and my story) posted by emaleth on February 13, 2000 at 10:55:48:
Emaleth, your story prompted me to realize that my own life is totally out of my control.
I have been acting out both the anorexic and bulimic behaviours in my past, and now just binge uncontrollably for comfort.
I am loved by others, but I can not love myself.
I know God loves me just as I am, but I cannot love myself.
I am reactive and compulsive. I am defensive and offensive. Others have a LOT to put up with in me. No, don't bother telling me that I am a wonderful person. It is all an act. I am suicidal. Not that I will act on it in a drastic way...but my behaviour is out of loving death more than life.
I am just being honest down to the bare bones.
I wish I could be so honest before people that know me, but I can't. They don't want to hear it or cannot hear it. I have admitted I
struggle with low self-image, but no one really knows or cares or admits this themselves, to my face. Even if they did, so what? We can't lift each other up. No one can make me feel OK.
I have told myself I am OK for years, but still I do not really believe it, as all it takes is for someone to be displeased with something I did and I am defensive and I lose it. Then I go eat a lot of carbs, which make me feel really sick. I mean physically ill, as my body cannot metabolize the carbs well. Then I feel stupid for subcumbing
to the carbs which never make me feel better, just worse.
What the problem is for me is I cannot feel good about myself.
I used to obsess about clothes and spend a LOT of money trying to look good, in spite of my fat. (210 at 5'9"). I am not bad looking, but I still despise myself. I have been lately able to curb the frantic spending on clothes, as I am realizing that clothes do not make my fat go away.
Or fix the pain inside me. I still look and feel the same way.
I wish I could start over and not let myself develop all the bad habits. I am a Chritian and I believe in new beginnings. They always have to begin with uncovering the ugly truth.
That is why I am choosing to confess the truth to all of you. You don't know me, but I am going to come back here from time to time to admit if I have been able to gain any self-discipline or not. I think that my bad habits have perpetuated my bad feelings toward myself. I want to acquire self-control in my responses, in place of obsession and reaction.
I believe that with God's help, I can do this.
That it is His will for me, and for all of us.
I will be praying for us all.