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Message
Posted by Danielle on July 18, 2000 at 16:10:14:

In Reply to: Who am I? posted by Me on July 18, 2000 at 01:16:24:

have this thing with food...i eat and eat and feel so guilty and discusted with myself for letting myself do it that I throw it all (or what I think is enough) up secretly in my bathroom. I've tried dieting and exercize and all that stuff...I am currently also taking Diurex as a way to feel less fat...I've also tried Dexatrim. Deep down I know I am attractive and that many girls would kill to thru magazines pointing out whose stomach I want to have and whose thighs I want to have, and not a day goes by when I stand in front of the mirror pinching the fat on my hips. Last fall I weighed about 130 lbs and was about 5'4"....I regularly started puking up my food about a month or 2 ago and I now weigh 126 lbs....I know that this is a healthy weight but I want to get down to like 115...I think that this whole thing has come from me becoming friends with a girl who moved here around the same time I remember being so self-consious about my looks...shes absolutely gorgeous and everyone loves her. I feel like all I want to be is just like her, and i find myself comparing me to her, like how many more inches do I have to lose to look like her. God I hate this...I just want to feel powerful...like I feel like if I lost that extra 10 lbs I would have the power to do anything. I dont care about what people think of me as much as I think of myself...I am doing this for me, not someone else...Is there ANYONE who is in this place? Please respond...thanks.

wow- you really sound just like me! I'm 19, 5'3 and weigh about 125 and everyone one says how i have perfect proportions and how they'd kill to have my body - and yet I still found myself last year, throwing up after pizza and ice-cream at a party. I couldn't tell my best friend - we were the "mature ones" who got the best grades and had the best relationship w/ our parents - and I knew that image would be shattered if anyone found out. I didn't really let myself believe I had a true problem - it was only every now and then like once a week. It wasn't until my college roomate(a recovered bullimic)confronted me that I realized that - no matter how little it's done - it's still a big problem. Maybe doing it off and on doesn't pose as much of a physical threat - but think of all the mental damage. There was a time in my life when I would NEVER think about doing that - it wasn't an option - and after you do, it's just so easy to fall back on it - even if you don't throw up regularly - just "falling back on it" means it still has its hold on you. I just had to say: 1)I'm beautiful the way I am and who the hell am I trying to impress w/ being 10 or 15 pounds less 2)If I can't even tell people it's obviously not something that's okay 3)It won't just go away - you have to commit to changing the way you think about food and everything else in general. I still have my days where I'm like- okay I can eat this if afterwards.... but I have to remember these things and remember that this is not a healthy backup plan. I'm trying to concentrate on being healthy and fit and not some "perfect" model (A big help - finding out that all those pictures of models are SERIOSLY airbrushed - a lot of them in person would look exactly like you - you probably look better than a lot of them). So don't feel like you have to be some perfect ideal - becaue you'll never feel like you are - you could drop 20 and still see things that are wrong - and then the health issue IS a big problem. So definatley conquer it now while your body can still go on relatively uninjured.

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