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Re: I'm more than a little confused (longish), super longish response

Re: I'm more than a little confused (longish), super longish response

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Posted by DBC on August 27, 2000 at 20:44:01:

In Reply to: Re: I'm more than a little confused (longish), super longish response posted by FD on August 26, 2000 at 21:33:05:

: I'm not entirely sure you don't have grounds for divorce, although I'm not a lawyer, nor do I think you should divorce her just because she gave you an STD.
>>>>Not my complaint. My problem is that appears that she was not upfront about the STD she contacted from her ex.

Also, that said, men are also carriers of herpes and can carry symptoms for years without having an outbreak. Meaning, basically, that the previous girlfriend could have had it and you could never have had an outbreak....although from your story it seems that it WAS your wife who gave it to you.
>>>>The literature seems rather specific about a 7-10 day incubation period. However, I'm not a physician. It seems EXTREMELY unlikely that the prior sexual contact was the cause.

: As for your situation now: I contracted herpes from my husband. My best friend contracted herpes from her fiancee. I stayed with my partner, she dumped hers. I think to make it through something like this your relationship has to be relatively strong to begin with, and it sounds like yours was already on shakey ground.
>>>>You make a very important point. Not only was it a little shakey, but you're dealing with different cultures as well.

In my case, my husband had been carrying it, and he had not been in an active sexual relationship with anyone in a long time...he had NO clue he had it, and it was a rather nasty suprise for both of us.
>>>>If this had been the case with us, I would not complain.

With my friend, her fiancee had been sleeping around quite a bit and knew he had it, and gave it to her anyway...very similar to your situation.
>>>>I'm not saying that she knew she had it, I'm saying that I just don;'t know what to make of her story. An infection that they gave pills for where there were sores on his penis that went away---sounds like genital herpes.

: It's a shame, that your wife did not tell you. But in her defense: she may not have understood what she had or that she would have given it to you...most people do not fully understand herpes, how it's contracted, or that YOU ALWAYS CARRY IT once you contract it.
>>>>Doctors make mistakes. They sometimes do not catch everything. Someone who sleeps around may transmit a bacterial infection that is cleared up---but may also transmit herpes as well. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOLD THE WHOLE STORY!

You said that she is from Russia, and who knows how much information is given freely there about STD's...in the US, where we hear about AIDS and HIV every day, even WE don't know much about herpes, and people who get it are often likened to lepers because there is a complete lack of information about it. In another country, they may not give out a lot of information. And if it was her husband that had it, he may have been the only one who actually got tested and was diagnosed and given info. Once her outbreak was over, she may have just thought it was completely gone.
>>>>She was tested and, she says, pronounced cured. Cured of what, I have no idea.

: I sympathize with you completely, and can understand where your feeling of betrayal and lack of trust have come from. But if this is your only issue in this marriage, maybe if you open communication about the fact that you now have herpes, and that SHE STILL DOES, you might be able to work through this. If has added insult to injury with other problems in your marriage and your relationship is completely not worth salvaging, I am truly sorry for your loss.
>>>>Right now, I do not know what to think. She can survive returning to Russia (if she wishes) but the children would be the ones to suffer. However, do I sacrifice my life for kids that aren't mine? I wish I were Solomon.

: Good luck.
>>>>Thanks. I need it.




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