warning: very nontypical FD preachy response.
warning: very nontypical FD preachy response.
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Posted by FD
on August 28, 2000 at 22:55:09:
In Reply to: Re: I'm more than a little confused (longish), super longish response posted by DBC on August 27, 2000 at 20:44:01:
: : I'm not entirely sure you don't have grounds for divorce, although I'm not a lawyer, nor do I think you should divorce her just because she gave you an STD.
: >>>>Not my complaint. My problem is that appears that she was not upfront about the STD she contacted from her ex.
>>Fine. So you are upset that she wasn't honest about her past without actually knowing if she EVEN KNEW WHAT SHE HAD. But you are willing to divorce her over this. Ok, your call.
: Also, that said, men are also carriers of herpes and can carry symptoms for years without having an outbreak. Meaning, basically, that the previous girlfriend could have had it and you could never have had an outbreak....although from your story it seems that it WAS your wife who gave it to you.
: >>>>The literature seems rather specific about a 7-10 day incubation period. However, I'm not a physician. It seems EXTREMELY unlikely that the prior sexual contact was the cause.
>>Herpes is constant in your body no matter when you contract it, even if you don't show symptoms or have an outbreak. 7 to 10 days is generally applicable only when actually having an outbreak. I believe i said i agreed with you, it probably WAS your wife, but it COULD HAVE BEEN your previous encounter. Have you ever had a cold sore in your lifetime? Herpes lies dormant in just about every human on the planet, outbreak or no.
: : As for your situation now: I contracted herpes from my husband. My best friend contracted herpes from her fiancee. I stayed with my partner, she dumped hers. I think to make it through something like this your relationship has to be relatively strong to begin with, and it sounds like yours was already on shakey ground.
: >>>>You make a very important point. Not only was it a little shakey, but you're dealing with different cultures as well.
: In my case, my husband had been carrying it, and he had not been in an active sexual relationship with anyone in a long time...he had NO clue he had it, and it was a rather nasty suprise for both of us.
: >>>>If this had been the case with us, I would not complain.
>>she may have really NOT had a clue she was still carrying anything. She didn't owe you an explanation for something she thought was "cured" or gone. Hard to know you have to tell someone if you don't even know you still carry it around and haven't had an outbreak in years.
: With my friend, her fiancee had been sleeping around quite a bit and knew he had it, and gave it to her anyway...very similar to your situation.
: >>>>I'm not saying that she knew she had it, I'm saying that I just don;'t know what to make of her story. An infection that they gave pills for where there were sores on his penis that went away---sounds like genital herpes.
>>sure does sound like it to you and me... but that doesn't mean she had any idea that's what it was. you are assuming way to much about her knowledge of the disease. As for what to make of her story, why do you trust her so little to begin with?? To assume she blatantly kept it from you...knowing now that you will probably divorce her over this dishonesty...well, that would be pretty stupid wouldn't it??
: : It's a shame, that your wife did not tell you. But in her defense: she may not have understood what she had or that she would have given it to you...most people do not fully understand herpes, how it's contracted, or that YOU ALWAYS CARRY IT once you contract it.
: >>>>Doctors make mistakes. They sometimes do not catch everything. Someone who sleeps around may transmit a bacterial infection that is cleared up---but may also transmit herpes as well. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOLD THE WHOLE STORY!
>>YES YOU SHOULD HAVE. BUT YOU WEREN'T. LIFE GOES ON. Talk to your wife, communicate for chrissakes, don't just run away and use this as an excuse to divorce her. If you married her and it was a mistake, admit it for that and NOT for the fact that she (most likely unknowingly) gave you an STD.
: You said that she is from Russia, and who knows how much information is given freely there about STD's...in the US, where we hear about AIDS and HIV every day, even WE don't know much about herpes, and people who get it are often likened to lepers because there is a complete lack of information about it. In another country, they may not give out a lot of information. And if it was her husband that had it, he may have been the only one who actually got tested and was diagnosed and given info. Once her outbreak was over, she may have just thought it was completely gone.
: >>>>She was tested and, she says, pronounced cured. Cured of what, I have no idea.
>>She was pronounced cured and you are still pissed she didn't tell you upfront that she had something years ago that she was cured of. That's like saying "I had the flu 10 years ago, but I was cured, just wanted to let you know before we got married"...she had NO IDEA she was going to give it to you.
: : I sympathize with you completely, and can understand where your feeling of betrayal and lack of trust have come from. But if this is your only issue in this marriage, maybe if you open communication about the fact that you now have herpes, and that SHE STILL DOES, you might be able to work through this. If has added insult to injury with other problems in your marriage and your relationship is completely not worth salvaging, I am truly sorry for your loss.
: >>>>Right now, I do not know what to think. She can survive returning to Russia (if she wishes) but the children would be the ones to suffer. However, do I sacrifice my life for kids that aren't mine? I wish I were Solomon.
>>You obviously don't love her. If she can survive the trip back, she can take her children back to a place where she can survive with them. They lived without your chickenhearted kind of love long before their mother met you. They will be fine without you. Rather they live witht he mother who loves them than the man who hates their mother for an innane reason who would rather run than fight.
: : Good luck.
: >>>>Thanks. I need it.
>> yes you do. you are a sad case.