Re: bulimia and infertility
Re: bulimia and infertility
[ Back to Messages
Posted by julie
on July 03, 2000 at 15:29:32:
In Reply to: Re: bulimia and infertility posted by kristen on June 23, 2000 at 01:18:02:
: Julie (and Lori),
: I am overwhelmed with emotion as I sit here having never been on a message board yet advised tonight to use it to "seek understanding"...You see I am a 31 yrs old who has suffered for 18 years with bulimia and anorexia as well as three years of infertility. Two years ago I made the commitment with my husband, my family, friends, and church, that I would get my eating disorder
: in control. Furthermore, my doctor refused to treat my infertiltity until I gained 30 lbs., stopped taking laxatives, purging, not eating, etc. for ONE YEAR. Well, I did it!! I gained the weight and have 100% stopped acting on the eating disorder (although emotionally it is tough!). Anyways, that brings me to today...my doctor and I spent the last three months preparing my body for clomid. My husband and I were thrilled at the potential to bring a baby into this world with the help of a drug. It is all we think about... Until we got the phone call from my doctor a few days ago saying that she doesn't feel comfortable prescibing clomid to me because of my eating disorder history and doesn't want to take the risk. We are heartbroken now. I guess I come to you for experiencial advice on what risks she is thinking of??? Where can I turn now for the chance to take clomid?
: I appreciate your messages. It is nice to know someone else is going thru the same thing as I. I would love to hear your advice! Thanks and good luck to you both! Kristen
: : : Julie: I was so happy to see that you read my response and in turn responded to me. Besides living with the hell of infertility, I can never forget the hell of anorexia/bulimia. Although my husband understands how painful the infertility is, he can never in a million years even begin to comprehend the torment I lived with for most of my life. You are wrong however, I am not strong at all. I feel like I'm constantly being tested in my life and I dont have the strength to fight anymore. I believe that finally recovering from the 18 year battle of eating disorders should have been the beginning of the rest of my life. Instead, a hell worse than I've ever known has now replaced the eating disorders. I am furious about this and dont understand why I'm being punished so, and when, If ever, I'm entitled to a normal life. My husband cant really understand this, as he did not even know me when I was really binging. I'm sure that you can understand and I thank you for listening. Lori
: : : : THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR RESONDING:
: : : : It was so wonderful and uplifting to hear from another recovered/survivor of this disease (the American Culture). I finally came out with my BIG DARK SECRET when the doctor told me I needed a cat scan due to my low estrogen level and lack of symptoms or causes! I thought, "This isn't right and it has to Me (purging)." My husband is what helped me finally purge myself of the secret. Since, I have treated myself as kindly as possible, yet I still seem to fight other demons everyday, and the baby situation is one of them. You are right, bulimia was its own sentence and I am through serving.
: : : : I don't think the doctors are ever right because each person is different and "it's only medicine not magic." What do they mean, eggs age? I doubt, because I remember how fertile I was before I became anorexic and then bulimic. (Heavy periods and 21 day cycles.)
: : : : I am so sorry for your losses but I sense in your voice that you are strong. You will survive and get what you want and need.
: : : : I don't care about answers. I just wanted someone to relate to and my wish was answered!
: : : : Thanks,
: : : : Julie
: : Dear Lori,
: : Just the fact that you have overcome bulimia proves that you are strong. I never ever ever thought that I could and every time I feel like I am being challenged or that I am weak or that I am really just no good, I remember that I have achieved something I never thought I could. I used to think that I would still be purging at 60! I know this probably sounds absurd because as eating disordered women usually have seen at least 5-10 counselors in their life span but....Have you thought about seeing someone? Or is there someone you saw in the past who could help you now? If not, I would fully consider this option. It's often therapeutic just to have someone to use as a mirror and sounding board. It would be great if you could hook up with a therapist who can help you get to the root of it all (negative patterns of thinking and acting and where they come from.)
: : I, too, often think that I am being punished for harming myself but we do the best we can do at any given time. And if we don't, we can choose to change what we are doing when we recognize a negative pattern.(I sound like a self affirmation book.) Anyway, I don't know what else is going on in your life that is making you feel tormented but I hope you can reach out for help.
: : In the mean time, I am here, and I hear you.
: : Julie
Sorry it has taken so long for me to respond. I kind of gave up after a while of no one responding and the board it getting really full of other questions.
I really don't know where to tell you to turn. I would seek out another doctor. MY doctor knows that I had an eating disorder and had no problem prescribing Clomid, however it did not work. I haven't even responded to taking Provera for a bleed. (once I did. the second time I did not.) I get my estradiol level checked this month (estrogen) to see if my weight gain has helped at all. It was weird because one month after ceasing binging and purging, I had a period and I felt the ovulation only one week prior (had the sticky egg white discharge and all) but nothing since!!! My current doctor is not a specialist and I may return to the infertility doctor but her wants me to take HCG shots which is an aggressive method and can cause multiple births. My current doc says my lining is Atrophic meaning it is thinned out so I am also concerned that I may not hold a pregnancy. I have been taking and estrogen cream (natural) and Black cohosh, an herb that is supposed to build the uterine lining. I would like to return to normal naturally, if at all possible.
It is kind unfair for your doctor to have you gain weight (which is such a mental risk for us ed's) and try so hard to get better and then say, "sorry I just don't feel comfortable." I would definitely ask "WHY???" I have never heard of risks between the two (ed and clomid). Then, get a second opinion and a third if necessary. You are entitled to it!!!!!
I hope you are still out there. I am actually going to look at the Eating Disorder message board now for the first time ever.