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Depression and sibling rivalry

Depression and sibling rivalry

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Posted by Laura on August 31, 2000 at 16:19:13:

First, I want to thank anyone who took the time to read this.
I'm a 16 year old high school senior and I'm incredibly depressed. But depression is only the half of it. I hate the person that I am. I don't recall being truly happy in three years. I have no one to talk to (my parents, but I could never tell them this) no friends to give me a "pick me up" when I'm feeling down. I'll come home from school and I'll just start crying. Sometimes it's over something so simple as the house being empty. I thought at first that I could handle my depression by myself. But I can't. I wish I could change my personality, but I can't. I feel so alone.
But again, my problem is not only depression. I hate who I am. I think I'm a bad person. I know I am. I can't stop feeling this way. An example is that I'm incredibly jealous of my sister. She's 3 years older than me, she's smarter than I am, she's the pretty one, the funny one, the outgoing one, the social one, the daring one...and I can't even compete anymore. I try to do good in school. I get a high GPA, I stopped smoking and doing drugs 2 years ago because I realized that I was hurting my mom more than I could ever imagine. Since then I've been an ideal daughter. I don't stay out late (or go out at all, really), I've been clean for 2 years, and I've removed myself from the circle of friends that got me involved with drugs to begin with. I've withdrawn myself from the social circle all together just so I would be tempted into smoking or drugs anymore. And I've tried really hard to get where I am today, but when I hold that up against all that my sisters done, it looks pathetic. So I envy my sister. I love my sister with all my heart, but at the same time, I hate her for being so damn good at everything. She's the "perfect" daughter, and despite everything that I've done, I don't feel that I'm good enough. She's left such hard shoes for me to fill. She's got the happy life, the great friends. I have no friends, and I don't want to envy her anymore. I've got to stop comparing myself to her. She's not the problem, I am.
The person who knew me best (before she moved) even said to me, "You've got to stop comparing yourself with your sister. You'll never get anywhere by doing that." But I really can't. Maybe it's insecurity, maybe it's just my depression kicking in, maybe it's because I'm scared that she really does overshadow me in every aspect, but I can't stop.
Anyone...I'm sorry this was so long, but help me...please.

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