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Re: can someone help me??

Re: can someone help me??

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Posted by Kathrin on October 16, 2000 at 16:19:15:

In Reply to: can someone help me?? posted by tRACY on October 16, 2000 at 11:03:11:

Hey Tracy
I can sort of relate to your problmes... i hvae been afraid of all kinds of diseases since I was about 12 or so, sometimes driving my parents crazy, or almost crazy, by always asking them for reassurance, sometimes even waking them at night with some weird question if something I felt "could be dangerous"....

Ok first of all some hope... well I need to tell you a little bit about my story first, a short summary... when I was 18 I became anorexic, and I sort of got over that, but then followed a time when i was really depressed and felt so stuck, and yes, i wouldn't go out with friends anymore because I was always scared of... yes, as you say, SOMEthing... what was it? Maybe it was about breaking my routine... I would be so scared for example if I couldn't have my coffee at a regular time, because during my anorexia my pulse rate had gotten so low that i felt i needed coffee to speed it up... and even though that was a lot better by that time I had that fixed belief that if I didn't have my coffee in the evening, my heart might become too slow during the night... also I was always afraid something might be "too much", like I was too weak, physically, even after I wasn't anymore... plus I had all kinds of compulsions that made me feel stuck with my routine too.. so I lived day by day just feeling, how will I ever get out of this? I am so stuck how can it ever get better...
Well now for the hope, it did get better... when I was20 I could hardly believe i was the same person, I had a brand new plan (to go to the US for a while - I am from Europe) and got all excited about it. Of course I was nervous... what about all my anxieties, what if the long trip was too much, what if I couldn't stick to my routine there - coffeee, shower at night, etc....??? But I did it. I got there. I spent the summer in San Francisco, I ran down the hills with the dog of my host family, feeling SO light and SO free, and would I ever EVER have thought this was possible again, for me... and I went back the next summer, having saved up money for a year, spending 4 months, really on my own this time, living in the weirdest crummy hotel rooms, just that kind of freedom that I had always dreamed of...
I am not going to say more fearful times never came back. There hvae been a lot of ups and downs. But hey, one thing, I study here now (in SF), i git a scholarship.. and guess what, I study psychology...

Which brings me to your next question, should you get help... I am in therapy now on campus, yes it is free and I am not sure if you have that opportunity? But in any case, it could be really really helpful. Look, they are not going to think you are 'crazy". They might maybe give you a diagnosis, i don't know, maybe not even tell you, probably some kind of anxiety disorder, which I think I have too, even though I am not even really sure... but nobody is going to NOT help you because they might think you are "crazy" (what is normal anyway???? good question, huh?). Therapy or counseling IS for people who have difficulties, who experience distress. If your situation is distressing for you, and it really does seem to be, you should seriously think about getting help (and not drag along as long as I did...).
You can email me if you want to kk_kitkat@hotmail.com

Good luck to you in any case, and never forget, all this doesn';t mean you are inferior or can't be happy or anything like that. It is mostly about experiencing certain fears and then expecting them to come back again, because we now know they are possible (I am working on a book on that!!!)...

Kathrin


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