If I Died, I'd Feel Better
If I Died, I'd Feel Better
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Posted by John
on January 12, 2000 at 05:28:55:
I live in Hawaii and know that there cant be that many places here that can help me. It is my last hope that someone out there can give me some hope to deal with what I am going throug.
I used to lead a very active life in sports and used to do a lot of street fighting as well as matial arts training. As a result, at the young age of 42, I have found myself to be living a life of constant mind racking, wearing pain. I have had two knee surgeries and am being schduled for my third as I speak. I am worn out. Yeah, if I could do things different, I would have become a computer geek or something (what I am trying to become now).
I have tried to go to the doctors (orthopedic specialists) and after the surgeries, they said that the pain that I am going through will be with me for the rest of my life. That there is nothing that they can do for me anymore. That they don't want to prescribe pain killers because they are afraid that I will become addicted to them. So insted they have prescribed stuff like motrin, ibuprofrin (sp?), and meclofenamate. The problem is that when I take these, they are either too weak or they make me vomit. When I ask them for a refill on pain killers, they make me feel like I am a low life scum (have been on them for about four years now). I am married and work very hard to provide for my family. I hold an upper management position in a company that I will not name. Yet I am made to feel less than human when I ask for help.
The doctors say that I may get addicted but to tell you the truth, I have long since asked myself the question; "which is more important. quality or quantity of life"?? I have all but lost hope. I have tried acupunture (150.00 per session), magnetic therapy, physical therapy, ointments, vitamins, lost over 50 lbs (a friend told me that my being 250 lbs was the problem), ,electric stimulation, meditation, and a host of other things. At best, they work for a time but are either too expensive or last for such a short time that it makes it impractical to continue.
I used to joke with friends when they asked how I was doing that, "I'd feel better if I was dead". Now I am not so sure that I was far from the truth. I have no where else to turn. The pain just saps every bit of energy I have and makes me just want to curl up and die. I am a warrior but this thing just wears you down. Every day....
I have been reading about pain clinics on the bulletin board and am very new to this. Can they help me? What can I expect if I go there? As it is, i have resorted to drinking to help cope with the pain in my knees, hands feet and neck. Is there anyone out there with advise for someone in the Hawaiian Islands?? It has taken a lot for me to just write this (pride), but I cant take much more. I dont want to do anything illegal or anything stupid. I just want relief. ANYBODY??????