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Posted by Cindy
on March 29, 2000 at 16:03:25:
In Reply to: Re: miscarriages posted by D on February 09, 2000 at 11:36:21:
I have just suffered a miscarriage 3 days ago and I am grieving. I fall asleep and then wake up in the middle of the night and sit and think and cry I feel anger, guilt, but most of all sadness.
My husband and I just got married about 3 months ago we lived together for over 6 years we did our traveling, we had our "US" time together and both felt we wanted to try to have a baby immediately after we got married and that's what we did.
I was a smoker I started smoking when I was 16 and I am now 26 , I knew I was pregnant about a week before I took a pregnancy test it was my intuition and I threw out every last cigarette at the moment that intuition set in. I used to drink a cup of coffee every morning and I even gave that up I wasn't going to do anything to hurt that little life growing inside of me.
I just turned 7 weeks and I woke up and saw that I was spotting I had called the doctor and she said it is probably one of two things, the result of having intercourse in the last 24 hrs. or the starting of a miscarriage. Well, the bleeding continued all day into the night and I awoke around 1 AM with very bad cramping and a need to go the bathroom every 5 min. I was distraught words could never describe. My husband sat next to me the whole time swearing everything would be O.K. but deep down inside I was fighting it refusing to accept that this could be happening to me.
Around 4 AM my husband laid in bed staring at the wall and I went outside and sat on my patio. By then I was in a lot of pain not only emotionally but physically. I am not a very religious person and have never honestly felt at one given moment close to God until then. I looked up and said "It was O.K. and you could take this baby from me and I will be all right" and just at that moment I felt at peace and 10 minutes later laid in bed and all my cramping went away and I fell asleep until 9:00 that next morning it really was an unbelievable experience.
It has been so painful though, I guess primarily because I never thought about miscarriage nobody in my family has ever had one or any of my close friends for that matter. The other tremendously hard thing about this situation is the things that people say to you when they are trying to make you feel better. The first day after it happened I was comforted by peoples thoughts but after a while it is so frustrating I felt like saying "If it was for the best, then why am I so miserable and it might be a blessing in disguise as you say but if you were going through this maybe you wouldn't think that." I know now if anyone I am close to ever goes through this I will tell them "I am sorry and I am here for you" and I will leave it at that.
That is my story going to these sites like this and writing this is really a healing process for me it is my "support group" Like I said I don't know many people who have gone through this so I am basically on my own because I don't know if my friends and family really know how much pain I really am in. I even wrote a poem that I will share.
It was a blessing in disguise,
There was something wrong,
There was nothing you could do,
It could have been worse,
you could further along
What could be said to make my
For me would be,
that the baby inside of me,
was a little special angel that was set free.
Thank you for listening and for anyone that comes to this site I feel for you.