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In Reply to: We lost our son Christopher Kyle to "SIDS" posted by Michelle on January 01, 19100 at 03:16:17:
: It happened way back in 1988.......It's now the year 2000........I'm just now feeling ok enough to talk about it without falling apart.........Didn't go to any support groups,etc....but maybe I should have.
: A divorce almost resulted......but didn't; hubby and I worked things out.......am now on Prozac.......think it is helping me.........I still think about him. I still think about how he might look at 11 years old now........how different things would be in the family if he were alive and here with us............
: I still keep "kicking" myself in the butt thinking that if only I were to have checked on him around 4 or 5 am......or if we still had him in his bassinett sleeping next to our bed......where I could be very close and attentive to his every move......that he'd still be alive today....... I had the monitors on....one next to his bassinette in his room, one next to our bed........!!!!!! I didn't hear him that night.
: I was so over exhausted from no sleep for days and days......had no help from the family.....even though I do have some family around......they just didn't care.......Even forgot where I parked the car at the mall one night when I was going to buy him a new carseat.....thought the car was actually stolen!!!!!!! It wasn't.
: It was a very warm September night, September 21, 1988.
: I had given him a nice warm bath.....he always enjoyed his bath......it calmed him so too......he cried a whole lot.....almost always when he was awake....think he had belly troubles......forget the name of that ailment........tried peppermint water.....no go.....seemed anytime he was awake he was crying.....screaming! The 2 week doctor check up didn't reveal anything abnormal........
: But when he got a bath he loved it........then I took him upstairs to his bassinette......wrapped him up in his crocheted blanket; put him on his side......put the music on the radio........(this seemed to help too)......and he went to sleep.....I had him propped good on his side.....I wanted no chance of him flipping over........I put the baby monitors on......and we all went to bed.........I distinctly remember getting up at 2 am.....I looked at the clock......I always look at the clock......I suppose he'd actually slept for a couple hours! When I got up at 2..I flipped his light on......I peeked in on him. I saw his first smile! But little did I know it would also be his LAST smile.....
: .....He looked fine....I went back to bed.....
: Next thing I remember waking up at like 7 am.....and a panicky feeling began inside me: I thought "He didn't wake up for his 4am feeding!!!!" The monitor was quiet. No crying. I was half asleep; but I jumped out of bed....ran the 7 feet to his room. As I looked at him.....he was face down in the bed, and I walked closer and thought "Oh, you little stinker, I have to turn you over or you'll suffocate!" He didn't look blue or anything....just a little pale......and still. Very still. Too still. As I picked him up I could feel the life gone from him.....he was limp. cool. And bluish marks on his forehead starting......My heart began pumping like crazy.....but still trying to remain calm enough to think straight.......I think there was enough adrenalin in me that I could've pulled a truck by myself that day.
: It was such a crazy situation at that moment; but I thought of the CPR course I had taken a few years ago......and attempted to revive him.....but was too panicky....I asked my husband to do it......while I called 911......It seemed like hours till they got there, but it was only about 11 minutes........I had ran outside in my nightgown, I didn't give a crap what I had on, I was trying to meet them at the curb with the baby........my husband was crying hysterically as I was ..........and our 4 year old son amidst all this too.......God only knows what was going through his little mind........we told him later that day that God needed an angel......It was the most awful day of our lives.........he couldn't be revived. I remember feeling so numb and shattered for weeks on end......I could barely lift the iron to iron a skirt.....it was as if time stood still; it's like your whole world fell apart; I know that having our 4 year old Andrew was a huge help to us in mending. We had to be strong for him......We couldn't just keep crying night and day. If it wasn't for him, I don't know how much longer the agony would have gone on........
: And I keep thinking if I had bought a brand new bassinette with a good, firm mattress, that he'd be alive today. The one I got for him was bought from thrift store; had a foam rubber mattress. We weren't rolling in money, so that's why I got what I got. Do they make the new ones with a firm mattress these days?
: The pain is bearable these days......but I still.....miss him so bad....and feel so responsible for him not being here. I told my husband about the bassinette and the mattress and he was in agreement about me being the blame....but our love overcame this somehow....and we're still married now; it's been 14 years so far.
: I thought back then that I was going crazy....that I'd never ever ever ever be able to cope with life again. But guess what. I did and I am.......Life has to go on. No matter what happened. Trying to keep yourself as busy as possible really really helps! When you find yourself just sitting alone or with nothing to do, FIND something to do! Play some happy music! Go for a walk! Talk to a neighbor or a friend! I did do a vast amount of crying. Crying alllllllllll the time.Seeing other babies in public.....breaking into tears......seeing his old car seat in the attic....your heart sinks.....his old swing in the attic.....we asked the coronor for a lock of his hair which he gave us....and I'm so so glad for this little "piece" of our son that we still have.......plus I had taken a bunch of pictures ever since he was brought home......I'm so happy that I took those pictures......as the hospital didn't take any of him for some reason. So now....They called it SIDS, but I truly feel he suffocated on the mattress!....I feel that life is bearable now for us.....but Christopher Kyle will never be replaced. Ever. -------Michelle
Michelle, I am currently looking for a bassinette for my first baby. I am not due until March, but I want everything to be ready, to be perfect and not 'last minute.' I was so terribly saddened by your story. My heart goes out to you.
It wasn't your fault. I hope you know that by now. This SIDS thing happens all of the time. It happened to my cousin and he was revived. He has some learning disabilities now. I don't think they ever knew how long he went without oxygen.
My uncle happened to ask one of his other children to please go check on the baby. He had been napping for almost an hour. My other little cousin, only 7 or so then, found him and acted fast. She brought the baby to my uncle who was able to revive him.
The baby had to wear a monitor for 1 1/2 years after that. The monitor went off when the child stopped breathing. This monitor was triggered several times with false alarms, but also, several times the paramedics had to be called.
I think that when things like this happen to people, it really does happen for a reason. There may be another mommy out there who just lost her baby and reads your story only to feel a little better afterwards. As for me, I know to look for a bassinette with a firm mattress regardless of whether that was the true cause behind Christopher's unfortunate passing. I had never even thought of it before and was looking for a used bassinette on the online auctions.
I am sorry for your loss. I think it will be hard to move our baby from his or her bassinette to his or her new bed, but it has to be done sometime, doesn't it? Yes.
I think you are a strong person to be able to share this with so many people. I hope it was a wonderful healing experience for you. Take care and God bless you and your entire family.
Andrea
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