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full blown doomsday panic attack this morning. Scary place to be.

full blown doomsday panic attack this morning. Scary place to be.

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Posted by sabine on September 11, 2000 at 13:26:33:

I usually go to the depression board, but I suffer more from anxiety, so I just found out that this board is available too.
I woke up this morning and experienced that horrible doom again. I don't get them but about 4 times a year, and have experienced them for about 4 years now.
I've been told it's a panic attack. It goes like this:
I wake up immediately feeling dismayed and kind of shocked at my life and myself. I go to get my usual cup of coffee in the kitchen and have my first cigarette while drinking coffee. I am trying to ignore it, but as I wake up I am catipulted into being literally horrified over all of my mistakes and wrong doings. This leads to physical sickness, and all I can do is stumble to the nearest couch or bed and curl up, completely surrounded by these "demons".
There is no other way out except to ride it, but it is so incredibly awful. I feel very doomed. Sometimes it lasts for hours, other times it just dissapears.
And there is no precipitation to it. It just catches me completely unawares.
This morning I saw my entire adult life as a failure with no hope of ever acheiving anything. These are the only times when I get close to feeling suicidal.
I am 26, I am being supported by my boyfriend. I am mortified of getting a real job. I am trying to get a job in a restaraunt again, but am experiencing some anxiety over it. I find myself procrastinating and being so suave about it that I don't even realize it sometimes. I am a pro at self deception, and maybe that is why I get these reality slapping attacks.
I do not have a high school diploma, I tried to go to a communtiy college over and over, but acute school phobia has made me drop out so many times that I am not allowed back. The legacy of failure only strengthens my self doubt and fear.
Some of us have had very rough upbringings and mine is one of those, but there is nothing that can be done about that, I know. I find myself telling people (not strangers of course) like my boy friend when he is frustrated with me for not being on the ball so to speak, that the reasons for my underacheivement are rooted in my past, and I do not know how to break out of the cycle. Heaven knows, I DO try. He gets very tired of hearing this. I can understand.
My mother is paranoid schizophrenic, an alcoholic (recovering now, but refuses medication for her insanity, so she is still crazy) I lived with her in a completely different world for the first ten years of my life. I believe that living in her paranoid world so early in my life has royally screwed me in my adult years. I love her dearly for being the beautiful, crazy person she is, but am sad about the afteraffects of loving, and living with someone like that. I was physically and emotionally neglected by mental illness as a child. And after I was taken out of her care, she stopped even trying, and became homeless for years. I would have to go look for her around town.
It was so horrible.

How do I get out of this pain?
Does anyone else relate to the panic attack thing?
Thanks in advance for your support.
Sabine





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