posted 08-21-2003 04:47 PM            

I have a 6 year old nephew, and from the time he was born to now he has had a traumatic life.
He was conceived unexpectedly and my brother wanted to do the "right" thing by marrying the mother because her parents were catholic and she already had one child out of wedlock.
It was the wrong thing. They fought constantly and my nephews mother loved to drink and scream. My brother was the oppisite, calm and quiet and shy.

My nephew did ok, he started talking at a year old, but one night my brother and his wife got into a terrible argument, (screaming match, who knows what my nephew saw that night.)My brother left as he couldnt take anymore.
After this my nephew stopped talking for almost 2 years.

Now, my brother is dovorced from that woman and happily married again to a woman with 2 children.
The problem is, my nephew started school and things are going horribly.

He is very impatient and hyper. He is mean and disrespectfull and angry, and he has little social skills.
Everyone sees him as the bad kid.
He gets no discipline at his mother house during the week or attention. He pretty much gets up early and goes outside to play, and doesnt come in until dark, with no supervision all day. He is very self reliant.

My mom and I however, know him like no one else and know what he went through.
He can be the sweetest kid if he is in one constant environment with one set of rules.
Too bad this environment is not availible.
His parents go back and forth over issues concering everything from money, to his schooling.

My brother pays child support, plus extra that he doesnt even have to give her, and his mother still complains.
She even says stuff to my nephew about it.

My brother has insurance on him, but his mother still wants them to take him to every doctors appointment and pay the copay.

His mom tells him to tel my brothers wife(of 3 years) that he doesnt have to listen to her because she isnt his mother and that he doestn have to do anything they say because he will tell his mom.

My nephew went through kindergarden last year and did not excel. My brother and his wife would work with him on the weekends and he would learn alot, but his mother wouldnt do anything with him during the week.
He doesnt know hiw whole alphebet and when he writes he often writes letters backwards.
Even the letters in his name.
He also has a very bad memory when it comes to acedemics.

We beleive he has some sort of learning disability, maybe dislexic.
The problem is...his mom will NOT get him any help.
My brother tries to talk to her and she says that it is from him being premature.
My brother went to the school to find out when conference was so he could talk with the teacher about it, and he found that he was not even on my nephews emergency card. His mother had put his stepfather as his father on the card and they told my brother he couldnt change it because she filled out the card, not him.
They went to the attorney and he says that they cant do anything because the mother has all the rights, and unless she is doing something abusive they wont get far in court.

My nephew is two weeks into his REPEATED year of kindergarten and he says he hates it because it is boring and not fun.

I think he just doesnt understand what they are trying to teach him and he doesnt have any friends because of his lack of social skills.

He is actually shy and has low self esteem. Sometimes he will say things like, "I dont like my head, its ugly."
or i will tell him to take off his shirt to go swimming and he says, "nooo, everybody will look at me, and im fat." (he is nooot fat.)

I am completely upset and at a loss for what to do.
I cant watch my first born nephew, my baby, have his life screwd up because his mother isnt mature enough to grow up and take care of her kid.

I dont know what else to do.

I was thinking about going to his school myself but I dont even know if I would be able to talk to his teacher because im not a parent.

It is breaking my heart.

posted 08-21-2003 07:41 PM            

Something VERY traumatic happened "that night" (if not more often) for your nephew to stop talking for two years.
He is obviously very troubled and unhappy and needs serious help. He may having learning disabilities or dyslexia, yes, but his emotional needs are certainly not being met by his mother.
In fact, all the 'good' stuff that he gets weekends probably promptly gets "undone" the minute he goes back to his mother's house.
She sounds destructive and toxic.

A lot of damage had been done and will continue to get worse unless your brother seriously intervenes.

If this child gets no discipline, supervision, or attention from his mother, (your words!) this is ABUSE and reason enough for your brother to file for full custody of him.

It is outrageous (and actually dangerously neglectful) that the mother didn't even put your brother's name on the school emergency card.

The attorney is WRONG here. An abusive, neglectful mother does NOT "have all the rights".

Your brother should find another ( good) lawyer... File for full custody.....Your nephew's performance at school, his angry, anti-social behaviors, his anxiety and fear and low self-esteem, his mother's neglect and inattention are all evidence that his home environment is truly hurting him.

A custody case is never easy especially if the primary custodian is the mother, but I think friends, other family members, all his teachers at school, his doctors etc. would all be able to help your brother "win" if he wants to save this kid!

zuzu xxx

posted 08-22-2003 01:20 AM            

Actually his mother has a 9 year old daughter and another baby on the way.

My brother works full time so even if he got my nephew full time he would be in daycare alot.
However, he and his wife have been talking about it lately.
My nephew was staying at an after school ymca but he hated it. So, his mom is now keeping him home after school.
My brother and his wife think my nephew and his 9 year old sister may be staying home alone after school some days also, thats another reason they went to the attorney.

I am really at my wits end because, even though my brother loves his son, he avoids confrontation with his mother as much as possible because he is just so tired of "dealing with it".
He always ends up in mediation, which leads no where because all the stuff they know about how the mother is, is considered heresay.

zuzu,
you hit the nail on the gead when you said:

*** all the 'good' stuff that he gets weekends probably promptly gets "undone" the minute he goes back to his mother's house. ***

I feel like my mother and I are the only ones that really really want to help him. My mom cant even do anything because florida doesnt consider granparents rights anymore when the parents are involved.
Its rediculous.

I guess the child welfare system allows people to abuse and kill their kids right under their noses, why should they help when it comes to a child like my nephew?

thank you for the support guys.
I am going to go to his school first and see how far I get.=)

posted 08-22-2003 09:57 AM            

You might want to write the teacher a letter explaining
what is going on - you know she must be aware of
your nephews problems. Teachers are required by
law to report to the Department of Human Resources
any suspected cases of neglect and abuse. If you
write to the teacher you will begin a paper trail,
it shouldn't matter if you are the aunt or grand-
mother, anyone can report suspected abuse and neglect.
Letting a 6 year old and 9 year old stay alone after
school is neglect and should be investigated.

I know every state pleads not enough funding to
fully operate their child abuse and neglect program,
don't let this stop you - write to the teacher,
if that yields no results, write or call the local
DHR, if that gets no results continue to request
that your nephew's homelife be investigated. Keep
copies of all of your requests. Eventually the
squeaky wheel will get some action.

posted 08-22-2003 02:35 PM            

and you are right, it is a as much my brothers fault.
That is why i am so upset.

I feel like I am the only one willing to stand up for my nephew.
I am quiet and shy and hate confrontation as much as my brother does but i refuse to let my nephews life get ruined by other people immaturity and stupidity.

I found the website for his school last night, and I emailed his counselor, physcologist, and social worker.
We will see where this takes me.=)