posted 08-22-2002 07:18 AM            

Now, to the serious business.....for all of you spouses, are there any support groups in your areas? Too many times we as professionals and patients fail to give the proper consideration to the stress put on the caregiver. Not to make excuses for them, but it would seem that in a male caregiver's case it's hurt the one you love, do it yourself, or hurt the one you love (by NOT doing it yourself). There is a caregivers board, you might want to check them out, although I doubt they have ANYONE like Davy and Bee over ther

Cozy,
Your hubby may be frustrated, but a tantrum is a tantrum (otherwise known as poor impulse control and anger management). What if one of those flying objects had hit you?!? As for yourself, you are not obligated to suffer his little fits because "You're the reason..." You did not ask for your condition and you cannot CHANGE your condition. Don't fall into the trap of becoming a marthyr. The truth is that some people use that as a means of controlling the rest of the household.

As for hubby, is there anything creative you guys can try that doesn't involve penetration (sorry folks I'm 'living single' in the Bible Belt)? Actually, romance novels are little more than porno in a pretty cover. You could get some ideas there. At any rate, unfortunately, what I think you guys need most is counseling. He sounds like he doesn't want to talk to YOU, maybe he'll open up with some one else. He might even consider going on his own to address his sense of frustration and anger.

Well, so long for now. Davy this has been helpful, informative (not to mention educational ) and I bet someone's love life has been given a lift

Take care and God's blessings to all

[This message has been edited by emeraldbee (edited 08-22-2002).]

[This message has been edited by emeraldbee (edited 08-22-2002).]

posted 08-22-2002 10:12 AM            

I had actualy forgot about this topic, went on holiday when only just started,then when I came back it had disapeared for a while and has now resurfaced, GOOD ....

Lori,
Three years is such a l o n g time
In your relationship with your husband is it not possible to broach this subject??? As I am quite sure you are aware there are sooooo many way's of pleasing and satisfying a woman. Why when he had this spasm did he not revert to giving rather than receiving.
Has he had surgery as yet?
In saying the above,I really don't think there is an excuse for hubby not to be giving you far more attention than you are getting, which is almost non- existant.
Let us know how you get on Lori.

Cozy,

I am absolutely astounded by your husbands behaviour, I would expect behavior like that from a two year old, then again NOT.. (I don't mean to be offensive)
I find your situation sooooooo very sad.
Like others have suggested, I would like to think that your hubby would take responsibility for his unjust reaction and his actions and get some help from an Anger Management Councillor or whatever.
Please do not allow yourself to be used as a door mat
and let us know how you get on.

Looking4relief,

Like you my recent surgery has made a great difference to me, there IS hope out there,eh

Emeraldbee,

How are you doing?

Like I said above,my recent surgery has made ALL the difference to me.
Prior to surgery I just couldn't get the bloody thing to stay up because of the numbness.On penetration I would be ok for a while, then it was if my brain recognised that there was hardly any sensation and the message was sent down to make it go down.

However, Elaine(My Wfe) has had problems with Rheumatoid Arthritis for a number of years now,with her hip or shoulder popping out, or pain in almost every joint in her body and you learn through time what you can and cannot do,what positions are more comfortable or if she was in the mood but in too much pain there was always my tongue or fingers, coupled with kisses,caresses and snuggling up, it worked.

I was reliant on Viagra prior to surgery which worked but left me with a bit of a headache. I would take a 50mg pill(Found out this was best way)cruch it up to a paste in my mouth and wash it down with some coke.
It came on quicker 20 mins and would last for 4 hrs if I didn't ejaculate.

After surgery, I got it all back so am happy.
In saying that, Elaine still has her problems so there will be times when our desires will not coincide, so it's time for cuddles and snuggling up.
In our case we have worked it out by being selfless rather than selfish.

Hope some of this helps.
The description of the Viagra was for the benefit of our male posters, just taking it in pill form whole, can be disapointing
For my Female friends with numbness etc you can get Viacreme from the internet(Female cream that works by rubbing under the clitoris, and once rubbed,works similar to viagra for men,in that it gives the vaginal area a massive surge of blood thus making it more sensitive and receptive)

take care

to ALL

Davy

posted 08-22-2002 10:38 AM            

Thank you for your warm reply. We have been thru it all, doctors, surgery, PT, tests and everthing else. The pain is so bad it has taught him to protect his lower half at all costs so the pain doesn't spike. Sex is no longer an issue. Sheesh, we're only 40!

Davy

When that happened 3 years ago, he curled up into the fetal positition and was in agony. He couldn't feel his legs and his lower back was killing him. That kinda ruined the moment. The doc also told him to avoid at all costs his back muscles tensing up. He is in different degrees of pain 99% of the time and when he has no pain, he is greatful and just relaxes. We haven't even mentioned sex in about 2 years. He's so consumed with his pain, he don't think about much else.

posted 08-22-2002 06:21 PM            

This is obviously a very dificult time for you and your hubby, I feel for you both soooo much.To be only in your 40's and for hubby to be in so much pain that no performance whatsoever is the order of the day, is I would imagine so hard.
What is the long term outlook for hubby????

You take care Lori

:heart: to you and yours

posted 08-24-2002 07:57 PM            

Just posting again after hubby's cervy--he's doing well--I was trying for a giggle on this post- but as I said earlier I am no Phyliss Diller--Not a singer(nor have the body for it) okay I will quit with the humor---seriously, as long as I have my hubby to talk with, laugh with, and look into his eyes. THAT'S ALL I NEED--
Love to all

posted 08-25-2002 09:49 AM            

Like ACF38 say's women buy sex toy's and men like to use them,I think.

Men DO like to use them,particularly if like me they were having trouble maintaining an erection.Viagra as I said helped tremendously and I am grateful since my surgery that the need for viagra has diminished.

Still have some left, but will use them for that bit EXTRA boost

I think that you have to sit down and talk all of this through, from a male perspective if I couldn't for one reason or another have intercourse I would certainly be able to satisfy my parner in all other manners.And I would WANT too.Just because I was unable to get an erection dosn't mean that I would turn myself off to my Partners/Wife's needs..

Being left with the option of paralysis and being wheelchair bound dosen't mean to say you turn off to the emotional and physical want's and needs of the person you LOVE. to do that would I think ultimately lead to a seperation/divorce.

Do you think he is trying to push you in that direction Lori??????

to ALL

Davy

posted 08-25-2002 05:07 PM            

You are now 40 right! You have not had sex in 3 years, exept for the occasional peck on the cheek every two weeks.
Three years ago you were 37 right! When did your husbands accident happen and did you have an active sex life prior to it?

If you did,was your husband inventive,that is,did he try and please you in ways other than having intercourse.

If he did, then what is the problem now for goodness sake.You are his wife,he loves you, he wants you by his side. You have put up with this for three years of your life without having a return sex wise in your investment and yet when you bought a sex toy as a joke he freaked,and stated he would feel insulted if you were to use that.

I am sorry Lori, buy to be blunt I think you and your husband need to talk with a doctor,sex councillor regarding this.
From my perspective,I see your husband as being very selfish indeed.

Yes, we know he has had an accident and we feel sorry for him,Yes we know he may end up in a wheelchair and again we feel sorry for him.
We know he is in pain and again we feel sorry for him, but life seems to have stopped for him when it comes to thinking about his wife,YOU and for that we feel sorry for YOU.

What have you been through these past three years,oh nothing eh it is said and I agree that it is harder for the carer partner.

If he can't have sex he should stop feeling sorry for himself and learn to live with his disability's and limitations and come out of the dark ages and learn that women are very sensuous creatures and having sex with them (not intercourse)helps make them feel secure and loved in their relationships.
It IS a need not just a want.

Why should he feel insulted if you WERE to USE a vibrator on yourself(especially if he dosn't want to do it for you)to give yourself some relief. He MUST feel secure in his love for you and you for him for you to have put up with this for the past 3 years surely. And he Must realise that this could be a life long thing, disregarding miracles as you say, and that there MUST be a copromise/decision to be made sooner rather than later.

I couldn't live like that,I am sure there are many who couldn't,regardless of how much we love our partners, there should be more contact than you are getting.

I feel for you,((((((((hugs))))))))

Davy

posted 08-26-2002 02:23 AM            

Your Husband needs to lighten up and relax alittle, Yes i know he has his problems, But so have you.

I think he as got him self in a rut BIG TIME! And is akward about being passionate again..

I too suffer with fused lower back. And big time sciatica..

Could he not take a mucsle relaxer pryer to trying sex with you . I works wonders and also it will relax him mind wise..

What davy as advised you is a wealth of knowledge and some VERY good ideas..

I hope i have not offended you hun, But you need some closness..No matter how much you love him, A peck on the cheek will not be enough for ever! And he needs to stop being selfish, And except some of these ideas on board..

posted 08-26-2002 02:40 AM            

------------------
A Friend!

posted 08-26-2002 11:53 AM            

Thank you all for your input's as Belle said,too many people suffer in silence and it is great we have this board to air our feelings and to give each other ideas.

I hope you husband takes some of these ideas on board Lori,like Pebbles suggested, I am sure he loves you,but part of love is in the giving not in the taking and as everyone knows who is married or who has a long term partner you have to be Selfless and not Selfish in our Love

Belle,

I am quite sure that the future is going to be good to you, the numbness, I pray will go, and then "WHAT AN ORGASM"

The Viacreme really works,just ask Elaine It can be found just by entering it in your search feature and has been said to work for women as Viagra works for Men.As I said, I know it works,Elaine has vouched for it.

to ALL

Davy (((((((((( Hugs to you all))))))))))))

posted 08-26-2002 03:18 PM            

I've been reading through your posts and find them very moving. And so kind and helpful!!

Affectionate thoughts

posted 08-26-2002 05:04 PM            

Soooooooo Goooood to hear from you

I hope that man of yours is looking after you down in Normandy way!!!

Only jesting, how are you? your husband and daughter.I hope you and your daughter have recovered from your latest surgeries and that you are relatively pain free?I truly hope that,that is not just wishful thinking on my part.

to you my dear friend and to your family,

Davy

posted 08-27-2002 02:05 AM            

Prayers to all,
Lori

posted 11-10-2002 07:47 AM            

this IMHO is a very serious subject, I dont think you can just live without it...not just sex, but the intimate part of a relationship. Listen if your hubby can't...he should be able to enjoy intimate times with you, no matter what. even if he watches you, use one of your toys.

I have been getting worse since july, when this post started, and I have had to slow down, but we do what we can
best of luck to you all

posted 11-10-2002 04:09 PM            

As you said Bee, this is a serious subject which affects most if not all of us and your suggestion of hubby watching is a good one.He can join in by lightly caressing and gently kissing

to you both and ALL,

Davy

posted 11-11-2002 11:52 AM            

how are you feeling? hope well. how is elaine? give her a hug for me, tell that girl to get on your puter...start by showing her this thread, she might just push you out of the chair!I also find from all the meds. I am on I have a very low sex drive, but I know that doesn't mean hubby does, and I know that so yes, we have to get inventive.

I think the hardest part for him is not seeing me ALL the way through if you know what I mean. But sometimes, just the close love I feel is enough. somedays I hurt too much to think of that for myself.

I am in love with a hot blooded Italian, and I dont forget it. He is my rock, keeps me steady. he deserves alot from me, and not just in the bedroom, but that is definatly one part of it. kinda a real nice part of it too

Keep this thread going I would love to hear more opinions on this subject.

posted 11-11-2002 09:08 PM            

Sex has definitely decreased since my back RE-injury, but we were pretty active to begin with. We just have had to limit some positioning that hurts and go easy on the...well...let's just say we haven't had to buy new support boards in a while.

My husband and I reunited after 1.5 weeks on the day after my discography; needless to say he was feeling a little needy. As one gal said earlier, we "handled" it. I tend to give in because I don't think I pay as much attention to him as I used to and I feel badly about that. He doesn't ask as much anymore and he always just lets things drop if I'm hurting. He's a good man.

As for the medical scene. Funny that was brought up. Several days after I had my IDET hubby and I went out with my friend who had set up the procedure for me (a nurse). We were discussing the procedure and the post procedure education and I mentioned the fact that sex was not ever discussed during the teaching. In fact, the nurse for the procedure (a male) was teasing with the doc and myself (I'm a nurse and I knew the doc so I was not at all embarrassed or belittled by the conversation) about my question of how to shave my legs if I couldn't bend over. (BTW, the answer was: "Does your husband shave his face? Then he can shave your legs." HEY...not a bad idea). The nurse said no one had ever asked that question before. Honestly, is that really a weird question so that NO ONE would have asked it? Obviously, if folks are afraid to ask about shaving, they certainly are more afraid to ask about sex.

Fortunately, I'd already read a bit about sex with back injuries and positioning to decrease pain. One of my better back books, "Your Aching Back: A Doctor's Guide to Relief" (by Augustus White, III) has a whole section that covers back injury/pain and sexual positions for both men and women. He talks about how little medical professionals address these issues.

Davy, great serious topic.

posted 11-18-2002 02:53 PM            

Also, I'm not gonna be rude enough to ask your age, but loss of estrogen (as occurs in menopause) is a very common cause of vaginal dryness and pain. Many women going through menopause complain about this. I may ask my boss (Ob/Gyn) about this tomorrow - if I can remember!! I'll write it down and at least try to get back to you within a week.

posted 11-19-2002 07:40 PM            

Bee, I have said to Elaine to get her backside onto the puter chair and write.. She loves to look in but thinks that she doesn't have anything to contribute.. Do you believe that,, The amount of pain she has and the inventivness that she has is amazing

She say's she will write soon though, dont want to pressure her so will leave it be and she WILL do it in her own time. She is looking over my shoulder as I write this and suggests to Judy that she might want to try Viacreme (The Female equivalent of Viagra) as it has anasthetic type qualities.

I can't remember if I wrote about it before but will mention again that you can get it by order on the internet.. It comes in small tubes and on squeezing it looks like clear KY Jelly.. As said it has anasthetic type qualities and is very good as a lubricant.. It comes with full instructions, but for the uninitiated the Man puts a drop on the end of his finger and gently rubs about a quarter of an inch below the clitoris for about 10 mins... After that the stuff takes effect by giving off heat and tingling sensations which are very good indeed Elaine say's.

Another application it is good for is anal penetration Judy.. Sorry did I make you blush there It may be beneficial for you if your vagina continues to be too sore, but obviously it depends on your preferences.

I do not mean to be offensive nor to embarass anyone, if I have done then I appologise unreservedly but my aim is to tell it the way it is in an true and adult fashion.

As for sleeping in seperate beds.. Elaine and I sleep in seperate beds due to her having had an operation on both feet due to her ongoing Rheumatoid Arthritis.. couldn't have me bumbing against them... This doesn't affect the way we feel about each other nor does it interfere with our sex life, it is for the time being just the way it is.

I have heard quite a lot of people say they feel quilty about not being able tp have an active sex life due to pain, numbness or whatever... Please try not to appologise as in my opinion it is far better to talk openly about it with your partners and get it out into the open. That way each of our partners understands the limitations that we may have and then together I am sure each of you can work out a way with your partners to go some way to maintaining a partly active sex life. The point is, as Bee said each of us has to be adventurous and there is more to sex than intercourse.. There is holding,carressing,cuddling, kissing, licking... Get the message

I will bid you all a good evening, time here 00:38 am getting tired, off to give Elaine a Kiss and Cuddle then off to bed seperately, well we will just have to wait and see after the Kiss and Cuddle eh!!!

for now friends,

to ALL,

Davy

------------------
Had C6 Vertebrectomy,ACDF with Decompression,Titanium Plate and Screws (MRI Compatible) 7th Aug 2002
Own bone from (R) Iliac Crest.
Doing Great!!!
But still with some Numbness

posted 11-20-2002 06:35 PM            

I hope you have a very restfull sleep and have lovely sweet dreams.

Your Husband sounds a very good man indeed, and I am quite sure that his saying you are his Queen is not just words, I suspect it is from his heart.

to you nad yours Judy,

Davy

posted 12-17-2002 11:38 AM            

We change, even those without back problems or surgeries, we all change,...we grow, we get old, we develop aches and pains, we change our minds, the things we once enjoyed are now annoying to us,...it is life. If you cannot change with the ones you love, if you cannot enter into and create a new love, if you continue to expect things and people and events to be what they once were, -- you will be sadly disappointed and very alone.

Old fashioned or not, this needs talking about. With him, more importantly, than us. Try role reversal and imagine instead of thinking how your needs are not being met -- think of how he is feeling knowing he is not pleasing you. He may feel like a failure, he may feel embarassed, he may feel emasculated, he may be fearful or apprehensive, he may feel angry, or depressed. If on top of all this you add the burden of your unmet sexual needs, you may just serve to add to his frustrations.

Have you considered talking with him, about HIS needs? Try it because chances are he'll be more receptive to FIRST talking about what he would like, how he feels, what makes him feel good and aroused and inspired...it's a place to start and grow from. FROM there, a comfort level can be created to delve into your needs. I'm not suggesting your needs get squashed, I'm just suggesting you reverse the order in which you are approaching this.

He sounds like a very gentle, patient, loving man, and it would be ashame to avoid discussing this very important issue, or ashame to attack it, or put him on the defensive,... it sounds like you have a great family and it is deserving of some giving attention.