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jroeglin Senior Member  Posts: 224 |
posted 04-21-2002 03:18 PM
  
I have a question. My boyfriend is currently in the process of trying to stay clean. It seems that everytime he tries to get clean, he can't. He went into rehab for about two weeks, and he was clean for a little while after he got out, but then he started using again. He has started going to meetings, but sometimes his urge to use is stronger then his urge to go to a meeting. It seems that it is hardest for him in the morning, so I told him that when he gets up everyday, to go straight to a meeting, then after a while, his first thoughts in the morning will not be of using, but of going to a meeting. Easier said then done I know. So, my question is, for those of you who have stopped using heroin, how did you do it? I know it is probably a struggle every day still, but, how bad were your cravings? I have heard of people that have stopped using heroin, and never looked back. But, then I have heard of people who have quit for years, and then one day started using agin. So, any answers or thoughts you may have would be very appreciated. Thankyou  IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran  Posts: 431 |
posted 04-21-2002 04:07 PM
He made need to find a longer program. I attended a 10 day detox facitlity and then I entered a recovery home where you can live for up to 9 months to learn how to live life without using. The people that detoxed with me at the detox and never carried though all relapsed. There is no quick fix. You have to do the work. It is important that our day is filled. We went from doing nothing but obsessing over our drug and then acting on that obsession. We forgot how to fill our days with active positive activities. Meetings are not enough. They are important but, they are only part of recovery. I did what ever I could to get my drugs and now I will do whatever I can to stay clean. You have to identify when you are craving and why and then counteract it. If he is craving in the morning, he has to change his routine so that he is up and gone to be busy at that time. You must want recovery so bad that you will do anything for it.....or you will slip. IP: Logged |
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jroeglin Senior Member Posts: 224 |
posted 04-22-2002 08:31 PM
Thats what I thought. As silly as it sounds, I keep telling him that he needs to find a hobby! He is going to start working out, so maybe that will help. Let me try and understand this. Say my boyfriend craves bad in the morning. So, say he starts going to meetings or doing something else in the morning, will he then crave throughout the whole day? Or, if he gets through the morning, will it get easier? I know these questions are repetitive, and Iam not asking them exactly how I would like to, but I don't really know how. I guess I don't really even need to know the "answers" or whatever. It's up to him right? Not me. IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran Posts: 431 |
posted 04-22-2002 08:40 PM
I can only speak from personal experience but, I found that I had thoughts of using most of the day but, I had strong cravings at about 7 to 8 pm. I decided that I would attend evening meetings which begin at 7 and end at 8. I found that it got me over the bad cravings. As the days go on I find that I don't think about drugs throughout that day and that I have less and less cravings. I found that if I got over the inital strong cravings I could make it through the night. I now do not think about using at all through the day and occasionally have cravings in the evening. I attend a meeting and I am fine. The cravings lessen and lessen as time goes on. It does get better. Other people might find thier experiences different, that was mine. IP: Logged |
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Claudius Member Posts: 46 |
posted 04-22-2002 10:33 PM
Squirrel-1 is right. Whatever method you use, it takes a very loooooong time. Sorry but no short cuts on this one. What I had to do was literally hold my breath through the rough spots. As many people have said, the fundamentals is the DESIRE to get clean...start a new life. One thing that he needs to understand very clearly is that the feelings WILL PASS...and that he needs to be patient with himself. Good luck. IP: Logged |
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jroeglin Senior Member Posts: 224 |
posted 04-23-2002 07:55 PM
Thankyou!Thankyou!Thankyou! I believe that with time, he can "beat" these intense cravings that he has. Each day gets easier right? Ok. One day at a time. Thankyou again for your responses. IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran Posts: 431 |
posted 04-24-2002 05:40 PM
Yes, it does get easier in time.I have had days in the past when I had to go hour by hour and minute by minute. Whatever it took to get through the day. I would say I am not going to get high this hour and then I would make it to the next hour and I would do the same until I got through the day. I now have occasional cravings but, not on a daily basis. IP: Logged |
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HumbleMan10248 Senior Member Posts: 133 |
posted 05-03-2002 01:36 AM
Jr i have the very same problem a your boyfrind right at he moment it seems me and him are at the same stage of our so called recovery cos as far as heroin goes im still v much struggling cos i dont undestand what you do when you get the cravings how do you deal with it how do u deal with boredom??? i mean i go to bed a recovered addict i wake up the very next morning craving like %$%#% and next thing u know im in a trance and have already scored and then i say damn NOT AGAIN!!!! and yes without a shadow of ao doubt the mornings are the worst but u c check this out - the irony is the other day i made sure i went to bed v late so i woke up in the afternoon like 4 pm so most ofteh day had gone but Lord no teh cravinsg were still there and i ended up scoring at midnight that day after fighting the cravings till 11:30 pm then i gave up and went and scored so even trying to aleviate the boredom and do things during the morning does not help!!!!!!!! damn it! pleas help!!!! ------------------ IP: Logged |
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jroeglin Senior Member Posts: 224 |
posted 05-03-2002 11:51 PM
Wow. That's exactly what my b/f says. He wants to be clean, and it's like he fights it through out the day, but then something happens, and BAM he has used again. He says that it's like he becomes another person and he can't control it. Like you said, he goes to bed a recovering addict, and he wakes up a crazed lunatic doing everything he can to score. Since Iam not a heroin addict, I try to put myself into a place where I can somewhat identify with him on my own level. And, that is cigarettes. Now, Iam not comparing the two, but I do know that I have tried quitting twice, only to start back up 3 days later. (and those 3 days were hell) So, when I put it into a perspective that I can understand like nicotine addiction, I think I can kind of get it. How can I expect him to quit using a substance as strong as heroin, when I can't even put down my cigarette? Now, cigarette withdrawal isn't even close to heroin withdrawal, but, are the cravings the same after you quit? Cuz I know how BAD my cravings were for cigarettes. I thought about smoking every hour on the hour until I couldn't take it anymore and just gave up. Is that what he is up against? Cuz that's harder then hell. I know what addiction is like, and I THINK that it is probably the same for everything. What happens to your body is different, but the actual cravings you get are pretty much the same. (IMO) That is scarey as hell. This totally and completely sucks. IP: Logged |
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HumbleMan10248 Senior Member Posts: 133 |
posted 05-04-2002 09:53 PM
jr u made me smile when u talked about your nicotine addiction to be honest cigartaes are more addictive then heroin! in terms of the cravings but in term of withdrawal no nicotene is no where near the pain of withdrawal from heroin ...ok to be honest heroin cravings are prob the same as how u feel when u gave up cigs so hope that helps to undertsand how your b/f and i feel...just that with heroin it becomes a part of yoru life it gets under your skin ...ummmm ok theres a saying - Men think about sex every 3.8 seconds BUT Men think about heroin every 1.1 seconds ... hope tht makes u understand the cravinsg of aheroin addict!!! IP: Logged |
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HumbleMan10248 Senior Member Posts: 133 |
posted 05-04-2002 09:59 PM
jr you said- " I thought about smoking every hour on the hour until I couldn't take it anymore and just gave up. Is that what he is up against? Cuz that's harder then hell" oh no for us H addicts its every second...remeber aboove the 1.1 second dilemma!!!! IP: Logged |
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jroeglin Senior Member Posts: 224 |
posted 05-07-2002 07:01 PM
Ok. That's what I need to think about when I get angry at him for not being able to quit on MY timeline. Even though he has told me in the past that he thinks about heroin constantly, I never really understood it. I think Iam beginning to now. In comparing it to cigarettes, the cravings are terrible. It's like I know that smoking is killing me slowly, and when I get up in the morning I can't breathe, and when I have to sneeze, it's like I can't get enough air to actually get a good one out <g> but I still continue to smoke. Alot of times I will tell myself that the pack I have is the last pack that I will ever have, but, the next day there Iam at the gas station buying another one. So, the only difference is that my drug of choice is legal, and I won't OD on it quickly, i'll OD slowly. So, when I put heroin into the place of cigarettes, and add on the fact that coming off heroin is like basically dying, that really is a scarey, awful thing. There are times when my boyfriend says that he would RATHER give up everything and be locked up for 3 months to get the heroin out of his system, and out of his mind. Then, start all over in his life without heroin cravings dictating what he does 24 hours a day. I dunno. A part of me thinks that is ridiculous because he would be giving up everything that he has worked for (school, 2 jobs, etc) but then again, what's more important? His life or his job? So, I dunno. Day by day I guess. IP: Logged |
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HumbleMan10248 Senior Member Posts: 133 |
posted 05-07-2002 09:14 PM
jr even though it is hrd your b/f cant give up ...at least he must try and try hard it may take a long time but if he stays positive he will be able to gett off heroin everyone else has scroll up and read the messages in term of advice tell him what the other members have advised telll him to go to rehab also intersteingly cos he mentioned locking himslef away for 3 months well instead of doing thattell him to go on holiday for a couple of months where he just cnat score thats another way to give him some recovery time such that when he returns he would of had asuficcent break an trust em if he can stay off heroin for just 3 months he will stay off heroin forever God willing i know this from experince in oter freinds of mine who have kicked also about your nicotine habit have youtried hypnosis it is menat to wokr by teh ay im a nicotine addict as well a recovering heroin addict so i know how u feel but i have double the trouble humble IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran Posts: 431 |
posted 05-07-2002 10:34 PM
Your recovery is more important than anything. There is always jobs and school, however this is no dress rehearsal, this is the only life we have. People die from H everyday. When I went into the detox and then the recovery home, I gave up everything. My job as a Head nurse in a Geriactric facility. I almost lost my house. I had to let my younger son go live with his father. I walked away from everything. Well, I got a new job, I got my home back ,and my children are home. Miracles happen in recovery. Plus, I am clean and sober. You have nothing if you are living like an animal. I don't want to sound harsh but, if he is saying that he can't get help right now because of his school and jobs he is still in denial and does not want to get help, right now. What could be more important than getting your soul back, you must want recovery more than ANYTHING to succeed. IP: Logged |
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jroeglin Senior Member Posts: 224 |
posted 05-09-2002 12:19 AM
I totally understand what your saying about him not wanting to give everthing up sounds like he is not serious about his recovery. I agree. It's like some days he seems so positive, but other days.... He did try inpatient rehab about a month ago, but he went right back to using. So, I dunno. He faces the threat of prison EVERY week when he goes into see his parole officer, but that doesn't seem to scare him enough. Since he has done time before, he know's what he's in for. He asked his Parole officer to lock him up for a while, but she wouldn't do it. She sent him to rehab instead. He is doing better in the sense that he can go days without using, but then it's like on that 3rd day, he hits a wall. If he could just get past that stage, maybe his spirits would be lifted a little and then he would feel better about himself. I dunno. But what I do know is that he CAN do this. Whatever it takes to get him clean, Iam all for it. If that means him taking months off of work, so be it. If it means him doing rehab again (but this time for a longer amount of time) so be it. The jail thing Iam not thrilled about, but if that's what HE thinks he needs to get clean, then so be it. I just want him to get to the point where even though his cravings are still there, he know's that he can survive the day, and the next day, without using. He gets so close, but not close enough. IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran Posts: 431 |
posted 05-09-2002 02:33 PM
I stayed in my addiction because I was scared to be clean. I had been an addicted for so long that I forgot what it was like to be clean. Being high was all I knew. We hate the drugs but we can't say no.The problem with H is you get so sick when you don't use that you have to use to get up and get going. It is physically addictive. I know how he feels, you want to stop but, you don't. Trust me I am not judging, I was addicted for 1/2 my life. I guess I see younger people and I just wish I could shake them until they get it. Get Clean now. I never got to the point where I was on the street, however, that was only because I was a nurse and I had alot of people that I worked with that helped me. I had a boyfriend and children that helped me. They finally realized that they were not helping me and I started to feel the consequences of my addiction and I didn't like it. I think sometimes addicts wish something would happen to us like jail, as we know that we are powerless over our addiction so, we hope some life crisis will take us somewhere where we can get clean. IP: Logged |
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jroeglin Senior Member Posts: 224 |
posted 05-09-2002 09:02 PM
Squirrel, when you said that your boyfriend helped you, how did you mean? I mean, since you are a recovering addict yourself, can you tell me what worked for you in regards to your boyfriend? I have pretty much been asking my b/f daily how he is doing, how he's feeling, etc. In your opinion, would I be better off not saying anything at all? I don't want him to feel "coddled" or that if he uses, that it's ok with me. But then again, I don't want to be a jerk and act like I don't care either. Do you know what I mean? I guess what I am asking is, how did your boyfriend handle your addiction, and what did he so that it worked best for YOU ? IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran Posts: 431 |
posted 05-14-2002 12:57 PM
I was asked that by some one else on this forum. Read my response to a post to Squirrel from Aideen. I tried to explain it as best I could as my head was a little foggy that day(had some bad cravings). If you would like me to clarify anything please feel free to respond. IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 05-14-2002 04:40 PM
Hi J-I just picked up something from your last post...you ask your b/f every day how he's doing.From my own experience my b/f wouldn't like that-he would get irritated that I am homing in on his feelings so much. I'm sure your b/f knows you care.Rather,perhaps tell him, you love him and believe in him. I think, the way to support them is to not expect anything from them and be there for them when they need to talk without judging them. Break down their problems or feelings to show them, things are manageable and normal. Don't know if this helps....how are you doing yourself? IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran Posts: 431 |
posted 05-14-2002 08:17 PM
Aideen, I agree. That would send me out the door. Addiction is so self shaming that we can't deal with emotions. For someone to ask us how we are feeling when we are so ashamed of the way we feel, we lash out. Anger is the one emotion that we can identify. Do people really want to hear how we our feeling???? Like failures, sick, guilty, full of shame, less than, despairment, small.....I could go on and on. To ask an addict how they feel may not be a good thing to do. IP: Logged |
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jroeglin Senior Member Posts: 224 |
posted 05-14-2002 08:21 PM
I hate that I was asking him every day if he was using or not, so I stopped. I was sick of it because I knew that he was sick of it, and I hated what I sounded like. (I don't want to be a nagging mother because Iam not a nag, and I am definitely not his mother) So, I gave him three choices. I told him that if he made an ACTUAL attempt at quitting, I would stand by him no matter what. But, if he said he was going to try and quit just to make me happy, and if I notice as I have in the past that he isn't making ANY effort, then we would be done completely without any chance of reconciliation. Or if he didn't want to quit right now, then he could tell me that and we would go our seperate ways, but we would be civil to each other (we work together so it's not like I wouldn't have to see him)All I ask from him right now is honesty. His addiction is a terrible thing, but I know myself, and I know that if he were to be honest with me about WHAT he is actually thinking and feeling, I wouldn't question why Iam putting myself through this. But, if he continues to lie about things as he has done in the past, I can't deal with that, and I won't deal with that. He has to want to quit, and before I always thought that he did. But lately it seems that he just says that to make me "happy". So, I gave him his three options, and I absolutely meant them. If he has no intentions of quitting, then he needs to let me move on. To say that he wants to be done, and then to turn around and spend all the money that he made over the weekend on heroin, is ridiculous and I won't tolderate that anymore. (Especially since he has not paid a bill in this house in a long time) So, for the time being, I can tell he is making an effort. He is actually starting to get "dope sick" and even though I hate seeing him in so much agony, I am glad that he is giving it another shot. I know that he is in alot of pain right now, and I don't know what he is going through, but, it's not like he is new to this. He has gone through this before. So, I hate to be such a hard a*s, but I have to do what is good for me too. So, I hope to God that he makes the effort that I know that he can make to beat this. That is all I ask. He expects things from me, so I expect things from him. I understand that addiction is a disease, and I try to be as understanding as I know how to be in a situation that I really know nothing about. But, there comes a time when you either put up or shut up. If he wants to be clean, he needs to make an effort. Period. If he doesn't, then I need to move on, and he needs to let me. But, other then that, I am good. How are all of you? IP: Logged |
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OssyKitty Member Posts: 51 |
posted 05-16-2002 04:19 PM
J- Here is my attempt at some tough love. I hope I can express the love as well as the tough. J, do you believe that his not using is going to solve your problems? It won't. Do you think if he doesn't use today you will be able to trust him tomorrow? You won't. Do you think if he is clean, he will pay the bills, help around the house or love you in the perfect way you need him to? He won't. You know why? Because it is not his job to make you happy. Whether or not you like it, you are powerless to change him. It is not your job to encourage and support him. It is not your job to cure him with love. It is not your job to keep his secrets. You were not put on this earth to take care of him. Try focusing your energy somewhere you do have power, over your life. If you want a better life, then you have to change YOUR life. Make a new friend, get a hobby, take a class at the local comunity college, build a birdhouse, try posting just one sharing where you don't use the words he or him, anything different then what you are doing. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You don't have to do the right thing, just something different. You deserve a healthy and happy life. If you keep the focus on you and not on the addict, you may find that you believe that. I do. Keep coming back, IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran Posts: 431 |
posted 05-16-2002 05:15 PM
I believe that too, Shelley. Excellent post. Soooo Trueeee. IP: Logged |
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jroeglin Senior Member Posts: 224 |
posted 05-16-2002 08:24 PM
very true, and I know you are so right. I think every day Iam getting closer to that. It's not like we didn't have problems before this, and I know that I have issues that I need to deal with on my own. And you are so right when you say that if he is clean today, will I beable to trust him tomorrow. (Damn, I was actually trying to type a post without saying he or him) I need to look out for me, and the only person that is going to make me happy is me. I know- I know- I know. It's just hard and I am so ANGRY. I need to learn to let that go. Thanks IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran Posts: 431 |
posted 05-16-2002 11:54 PM
You are in the same situation Colin, my boyfriend was. His life began to revolve around me and my drug use. He lost his identity and his wants and it all became about me. I took hom hostage. I know how hard it was for him to walk away from me, at that time I had tried to overdose once and I think he thought the same thing as you, that I would die, however he needed to take his life back. He walked away with fear in his heart that I would take my life. I didn't. I watched out my window and I sat there and cried. That was the first time in 17 some years that I realized where my addiction had put me. My youngest son had went to stay with his dad. My oldest son refused to talk to me. I just watched the last person in my life walk out the door. I fell to the floor and cried like I have never cried before. It was heart wrenching. I was all alone in my sickness. I was alone in my despair. I was all alone. I cried so hard I couldn't see the numbers on my phone pad but, I phoned a detox as I knew at that point in life I had two options get clean, or die. I had lost every reason to live. I wanted those reasons back. I had phoned detox before and had always been told there would be a 10 to 14 day wait. This time through the tears I prayed to God, I said God please get me a bed because I am so scared and if I don't get in I will be dead by the morning. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried. I phoned the detox and I begged her please help me, if you don't I will die. She said come on in, now. I have never told this story before and it is really hard to talk about it now but, why I do is that sometimes we have to make decisions that hurt and know in our heart we did what was best. I know when my boyfriend walked out that door he was hurting but, he did what he knew was the right thing, in turn, I did what I knew was the right thing. I learned one of the things crucial to getting clean is being HUMBLE. IP: Logged |
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jroeglin Senior Member Posts: 224 |
posted 05-18-2002 02:15 PM
That had to be hard to say, and I thankyou for it. As of right now, my boyfriend is with his father trying to kick. I feel so relieved that finally someone else is aware of what he is going through besides me. I talked to him this morning, and even though he is sick right now, I know that he is feeling positive that he has another chance. Of course, only time will tell. I told him that I love him to death, but I can't go through this anymore. I told him that when he leaves his dad's house, if he chooses to use again, I won't let him come home. I think that he is realizing that I completely mean it. And I do mean it. It's his choice now. Iam staying out of it. Now that his dad is somewhat aware, I don't feel that I am the one who has to take care of him anymore. It's wierd cuz he has such strong feelings for his dad, he is so afraid of letting him down. He told me that he know's that while he is with him, he won't use because his dad will NOT allow it. And, if he does, and his dad kicks him out, he know's he can't come here. So, we'll see how strong he is. Thank you again to all of you who have helped me through this. You have done so much for me. IP: Logged |
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Squirrel-1 Veteran Posts: 431 |
posted 05-18-2002 05:29 PM
Your boyfriend must feel relieved, though. The more people you confess your secret to the more people will be there to help. I hope that he continues. I work part-time in the recovery home where I got clean so, I am getting use of putting my life on the table. It feels good.I was tried of hiding and feeling different and shameful. I don't care anymore. It is a fact of my life. It is what I am. I hope you stay strong, for you and for him. I can imagine that it is nice not to bear the burden alone. I hope he makes it. I will pray for him, as detoxing is very hard. Keep us posted. IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 05-18-2002 08:14 PM
Hi J-I know where you're at and it is very hard. I still am finding it hard without my boyfriend and called over last night to him.He is doing really well but it made me realise my own problems of letting go...I felt bad cause I wanted him to need me, depend on me! That is my part of this problem and I am learning to deal with it slowly. You did the best thing you could for yourself and therefore, your boyfriend too. Mine is grateful that I understand and give him the space to deal with his own life before he can give me any form of committment. It is hard but at the same time, I realise it is so good for me. Don't be scared that he won't come back - he will and he will be himself and happy. I now get more negative again but I'm fighting it as I know. it's my own sickness calling! Squirrel - your post made me really feel your pain. Though you feel guilt, you also must feel pride at how you managed to pull out of that deep misery and survive. It's so hard for all involved but we only grow from our experiences. Shelly - your words are so true and very well written. It's hard to always control the way we think and learn a new thinking pattern but I'm determined to do it! Thanks to all of you for your honesty. We all can learn so much from each other... J - write whenever you need to...you are getting there and it will get easier. You don't need to feel guilty, thinking you abandoned him when he needed you.He needs to do this bit alone and always knows that you love him. IP: Logged |
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