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 Can any recovering alcoholic describe the bottom of the pit?!!!
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aideen Veteran  Posts: 274 |
posted 11-21-2002 06:12 PM
  
Can any recovering alcoholic describe what was going through your mind when you eventually decided to quit drinking?! My boyfriend and I have had our ups and downs but the downs are staying longer now. Monday, a week ago, he was arrested (again) for being drunk and disorderly and I DIDN'T go and collect him. Instead he had to sit in jail and sober up. I haven't heard from him since. I have checked that he is okay (as in - alive!) by driving past his flat to see if there were signs of life. He has tried to kill himself before (about 4 years ago - before he met me) and so it does worry me at times like this. Then, my logical mind kicks in and I realise that it is his choice and there is nothing I can do about it. Now I don't feel like contacting him as I don't know in what frame of mind he would be in and I feel like, he has to make the first move now. It is still difficult not knowing what's happening but I hear so often that people finally decided enough was enough when they really believed the person they loved would leave them. I feel that by staying strong, I not only show him that I am tired of being treated like this but also make it clear to him that I won't tolerate this type of "relationship" anymore. What I would like to know is, once an alcoholic would have felt angry initially - feeling that they were let down or abandoned - what next?!!! I'm not looking for reasons to stay strong as I am quite prepared to wait as long as he needs to "wise up". I would more be interested to understand what he may be going through as this limbo is terrible. Also, I'm a little unsure of what to do once he does contact me (eg lay down what I am prepared to do, last chance, etc) as I really love this man (and I know he loves me too) and want to do whatever I can to get us through this in one loving piece. If anyone has any suggestions or advice, it would be welcome. Thanks! IP: Logged |
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Jemah Senior Veteran Posts: 573 |
posted 11-22-2002 05:35 PM
Hey girl. First of all there is nothing you can do for him. At this point you can only do for yourself. We are all different with different experiences and he will have to find his own. I know this is not encouraging but part of the healing process is accepting this and taking care of you! Hope this helps IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 11-24-2002 06:32 AM
Hi Jemah I agree with you and what you wrote made me remember that I have to decide what I want. I do believe though that inspite of what AA and Al-anon preach that an enabler can't "help" an alcoholic, we can to a certain degree by learning that's it's okay to say "no, I've had enough". I know, that the advice is always to look after yourself first and then this thinking follows naturally. If you look after yourself, you will automatically not accept to be treated as second best to a bottle. What does help, is that you hear it said by others who have been in the same situation that it's okay to feel this way, that he will realise eventually that there is no other way for someone to react, etc. I have always found that by understanding what he is going through and knowing how he feels, has helped me to do what is best both for myself and him. I get as much information as I can from this board or from books, people around me, etc and then decide. I suppose, honestly, it is always in the back of mind that he may never contact me again but then I remember all the other times I felt this way (as he has cut off from me like this before and always contacted me again anyway). It's so annoying to be in love sometimes as you are trapped until there is no hope left!!!! Thanks Jemah for the advice. IP: Logged |
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LoriMC Member  Posts: 57 |
posted 11-24-2002 07:01 AM
What's the bottom of the barrel? When you realize that you will lose (or have already lost) everything. Sometimes it takes someone losing all that is important to them until they finally wake up and see the light. Unfortunately for some it means losing their own life. You can't tell an alcoholic something - they think they know it all. Until they hit bottom, there is nothing you can say that will sink in. They need to make the decision to get help on their own. Alcohol is a poison - literally. The vast array of health problems it causes is unreal. Bottom line: you need to make a decision to live your life. You must know that you have a purpose, and one of them is not to change someone else as only God can truly do that. Yes, you can let him know that you love him and that you are willing to support him when he decides to get help for his problem. But you must understand that he is the one who needs to take the first step. I wish you all the best - God Bless. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 11-24-2002 03:13 PM
Thanks Lori for your frankness - I realised when reading it that I am afraid that it will have to go that far that he will only realise (in himself), when he has truely lost me. I am hoping that this will not be the case but I know, that it is only his decision. I'm not at the stage where I would be able to give up on him completely but it becomes harder and harder to trust him with anything when we have less and less together. I have given him as much space as I feel is humanly possible, allowing him to make his own choices and hoping that this will give him the chance to reach his bottom without us having to lose each other in the process. My head is still in a whirl about what I want for myself as my heart keeps intruding!!! Jemah made me think though that I need to change my approach for my own benefit. I have been trying to figure out how HE is feeling, so that I can work out when he might contact me - in other words, waiting....It is so hard not to when a split is thrown upon you but I will work on myself this week to stop my thoughts torturing me again. Thanks to both of you for your advice. IP: Logged |
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rebecarooni Veteran Posts: 475 |
posted 11-25-2002 11:06 AM
Aideen, stop wondering what will happen to HIM if you leave and do it. If you feel that the only way he'll seek help is if he loses you, then don't stay. You have too many good things in your life to keep waiting for him. I am sure you love each other to death but sometimes it isn't enough. And you know that I, of all people, know that too well. We are on our next to last resort... if he doesn't make it this time, it's lock down rehab and if that doesn't work he's buying me out of the house. Love isn't always enough. You and I have been through a lot with each other on the board here and I know this will probably upset you but you know how well I relate. When he is finally willing to really start trying, see if he can get a perscription for Naltrexone (ReVia). Research it on the web. It isn't a miracle cure, but it is a positive step toward a healthy future. He'll need to follow up with AA or whatever but maybe there's an idea for you. Good luck girlie. You have put up with more than any one should... He should feel blessed. [This message has been edited by rebecarooni (edited 11-25-2002).] IP: Logged |
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hzebo Senior Member Posts: 160 |
posted 11-25-2002 04:27 PM
quote: What????blah, blah, blah. You ask for advice and you dont' even listen to what people tell you, we are people with experience and any twelve step group doesn't "preach" as you said in an earlier post. If you keep having the mindset that it is "preaching", no wonder you don't stop long enough to let it sink in. chance to reach his bottom without us having to lose each other in the process.[/QUOTE] You have no control, have you not heard what people are saying? You keep trying to control the outcome, by making him "wait", and "wondering" how long you gotta give in, etc., etc. blah, blah, blah. in other words, waiting....It is so hard not to when a [/QUOTE] IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 11-25-2002 05:23 PM
Yes, Hzebo, you are harsh but it is true that I am waiting on him. I meet up with friends at the weekend for a drink or have them over. I love my work (teaching computers)and get on well with everyone there. I had my eldest son with me last weekend and we enjoyed spending some time together (usually the two boys go to their father for the weekend but he wanted to spend some time at home-other than only doing homework every night).So, I do have a life and a very happy one. Knowing something and feeling something are very different. Long before an alcoholic stops drinking, he knows, he "should" stop but still FEELS he needs it. I know, I have no control over whether he drinks or not but I do have control over how much I let this affect me (which in turn DOES affect him, whatever angle you like to look at it from - how can it not?!!). Feelings don't always follow this logic. The reason I use "preach" for the support groups is because of the strong factor (in the groups I have visited) of religion. I do agree with the steps though and I would be the first to say I'm codependent. Like alcoholism, it is a new perspective to old patterns that has to be learnt and I don't see how being so aggressive about it helps. You judge quickly without knowing a person but from their posts. For me the board is a place I can "blah, blah, blah" - this doesn't mean I'm letting my life go by without enjoying it....I just don't come on the board to tell you about all the good things in my life. That's not what the board is about for me. IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 11-25-2002 05:37 PM
Hi Rebecca-I have been thinking about the earlier posts and have realised too that I have been waiting on him that I could "react". Since realising this, I have decided what I want for me. No, you didn't upset me - Hzebo did which, I presume, was the intent - to "shock" me into reality. I know already that I have to concentrate on my own life but it's easier said than done when you love someone. Thanks for the advice though and the tip. IP: Logged |
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rebecarooni Veteran Posts: 475 |
posted 11-26-2002 08:54 AM
Hey you. It is hard to be on the receiving end of comments like that but sometimes, they are what we need. I've been given more than one reality slap here as well. It is, as we've discussed before, difficult to give up on someone we love. It's harder to love ourselves enough to do it. You can't make him change and it sounds like you have so much to offer someone who is healthy and ready for a commitment. IP: Logged |
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Jemah Senior Veteran Posts: 573 |
posted 11-26-2002 06:51 PM
Hi Aideen, I am an alcoholic and when I was abusing I didn't give a rats a$$ what my boyfriend thought. I thought HE was the one obsessed with my drinking and he was. I didn't think it was "that bad". Nothing he said or did changed my mind and I was just going to drink more and show him. I could have cared less if he left and didn't come back. I had the booze and that's all I wanted. I still held down a full time job and hid it from my family. I am a vice president of a bank and nobody knew unless they spent considerable time with me. The Lord Jesus got a hold of me and took drinking from me. You've got to see that you're not really in the mix here when it comes to his drinking. Thats why the 12 steps work. You have got to realize that he has to deny his problem to keep drinking and nothing you do will make it go away. You are not his savior so let it go! Its important for you to take care of you because you will wake up one day and the years will have passed and you basically let him hold you back. Or rather you held yourself back for him. Your taking care of yourself has nothing to do with him either so don't do it for the wrong reasons.
Take care, IP: Logged |
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rebecarooni Veteran Posts: 475 |
posted 11-27-2002 08:26 AM
Well said Jemah. Extremely. And what I mean by that is, as the significant other of an alcoholic or a codependant or what ever, we look at our beloved's problem as our problem and we have the worst time realizing that we are powerless to help or to change them. Love and support them, yes, but fix anything, no way. And I know your brain knows, but your heart is still figuring it out. [This message has been edited by rebecarooni (edited 11-27-2002).] IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 11-27-2002 04:15 PM
Thanks to you all - I'm feeling much better now and what you said, Rebecca, stuck in my head - that if I feel, he needs to lose me to stop then I should leave him. I believe, if he really felt there was a chance of losing me, he would stop. I know, this is the best thing I can do for myself and also for him. Perhaps what Hzebo said worked - I don't know. Whatever, I am thinking much clearer. I have also talked to friends about it the last few days which has really helped. One of my trainees is a recovering alcoholic and speaking to her especially has made me sure about what I want. She will be celebrating her first Christmas in 17 years with her husband sober and is really looking forward to it. Jemah, I know that my boyfriend loves me and is not doing this in any way to make me feel bad. He probably hates himself for being the person he thinks he has no choice but to be. My children are what make me strong as I protect them and think of their welfare more than my own. I am very aware of the damage any alcoholic could do to kids (as my father's behaviour did to my family -along with my mother's reactions!) and have been very determined and careful not to get them close. IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 11-27-2002 04:16 PM
I had trouble posting the original message, so below are (hopefully) edited posts of the above. [This message has been edited by aideen (edited 11-28-2002).] IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 11-27-2002 04:17 PM
number 3! [This message has been edited by aideen (edited 11-28-2002).] IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 11-27-2002 04:18 PM
number 4! [This message has been edited by aideen (edited 11-28-2002).] IP: Logged |
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aideen Veteran Posts: 274 |
posted 11-27-2002 04:20 PM
number 5! [This message has been edited by aideen (edited 11-28-2002).] IP: Logged |
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