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Creeping Crud Veteran  Posts: 438 |
posted 04-24-2001 11:44 AM
  
I don't really know how to address this topic tastefully, but being new to fibromyalgia & in pain all the time has put a damper on my love life. My fiance' has been patient with me so far, but I know the lack of intimacy is unfair to both of us & putting a strain on our relationship. Even though he doesn't say anything, I can see it in his eyes. Most of the time, I can't even bear him hugging me. Is there any way to get around this or are we destined to lives without physical love? ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Copper Senior Veteran Posts: 568 |
posted 04-24-2001 01:57 PM
Hi CreepingCrud, perhaps it would help for you two to see a couple's counselor. There are many injuries and illnesses that prevent people from engaging in 'traditional' modes of intimacy. However, a good couple's counselor SHOULD be able to direct you towards less painful techniques, as well as helping you form more compatible expectations of each other. Good luck! ------------------ IP: Logged |
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Allen Veteran Posts: 396 |
posted 04-24-2001 07:05 PM
Hi CC: love-making may be more difficult for those of us with Fibro, but it also helps the overall morale. The Arthritis Foundation has a section on this in their book, Your Personal Guide to Living Well with Fibro. You may have a local chapter of the AF in your area that sells and loans helpful books and pamphlets(their material on arthritis deals with many of the same issues). Not sure of their web site, but your search engine probably does(I use Dog Pile). Al IP: Logged |
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robste Senior Member  Posts: 245 |
posted 04-24-2001 08:44 PM
CC, thanks for bringing up this issue...not many people talk about it. My husband tries to be understanding too, but you can only be so understanding. Most days, all I want to do is get through the day then go to sleep. Counseling may be a good idea if there is no intimacy at all. Hang in there. IP: Logged |
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kim Senior Veteran Posts: 1485 |
posted 04-25-2001 12:50 PM
CC, We have the same problem, sometimes. It's hard to do but, we manage to get the dead done. I found that when I got pregnant I felt better then I had in a long time. We have a 2 year old. We also have four others that are 17 to 23 years. All of the older ones are in college or out on therir own. Both of us have fms. I think everyone gave you great advice. Has your fiance read the board and info. sites? Take care and good luck. Kim  IP: Logged |
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Creeping Crud Veteran Posts: 438 |
posted 04-25-2001 01:38 PM
Kim - He really doesn't have any desire to read the board or educate himself about FMS. In fact, he still seems to think that I'm going to wake up one morning & be magically healed. I'm hoping that it's just a phase. Maybe the heart of the matter is that I'm just feeling guilty about not being the person that I used to be & getting frustrated with his lack of empathy. I understand that it's hard for him to accept the fact that something's wrong with me, but it's not as if I'm jumping for joy either. cioc - I really love the suggestion about massages, but I doubt that he will. In the 6 years we've been together, I've only gotten one massage from him. Don't get me wrong, he's not a horrible person or anything, it's just that he's a tad on the selfish side. I don't mean to make him sound like a complete jerk or anything - after all, we're friends first and foremost. Maybe I'm just worried that he can't handle this or that I can't handle this without his support. It's times like these that I wish I hadn't quit smoking. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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kim Senior Veteran Posts: 1485 |
posted 04-26-2001 09:04 PM
CC, Don't EVER feel guilty! You didn't ask for this. If he does not understand now and is not sympathetic to your needs. Then as a Mom, I would say you need to really think about marraige. This is not something you can do alone and it can be really debilitating at times. You need his complete support. When I was 24 I married a very selfish man. I didn't know how until I got really sick. Well, he found many others to satisfy his all needs. I got a divorce and found that one of my best friends would become my greatest supporter and Love. You need to be selfish for yourself and take care of you first. My husband and I both have FMS and CFS as well as many other problems and we have a 2 year old and 4 older boys 23 years down to 17. I wish you well and take good care, Kim PS: We have used edible oils for years and other fun things. IP: Logged |
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TY Member Posts: 34 |
posted 04-27-2001 06:06 AM
CC- I definitely understand what you are going through. When I was first diagnosed with fibro my husband understood what I was going through with the pain because he has osteoarthritis. After a year or so things began to change between us because the pain got so bad and the doctors were having a hard time coming up with the right kind of meds that would help me. He really couldn't accept the fact that I could no longer go for long walks (HIKES), camping in cool weather, etc. He apparently thought everything would be under control in a short period of time. CC- I'm not a believer in divorce--marriage should be something that a person should try to hold onto. I have to be honest with you though, I have been married several times and the marriage I am talking about was my last one that ended almost 5 years ago. There was alot of stress in that marriage because of step-children (one out and married, one still at home) and my husband being on the road all of the time. My ex probably did the best thing he could have ever done in his life without ever realizing it--wanting out of the marriage and going back to his ex-wife eliminated alot of the stress that kept the pain raging. Yes, I loved the man and would have stayed with him to the end, but it would have been alot more painful than it is now. It has taken a while for me to store that love back in my memories, but it is not gone. I have had to move on with my life. I have a three year adopted daughter that I have to raise, I have been off of disability for 2 years, working fulltime, I go to college full time, and up until a month ago was off of all meds for two years. (I have let stress get out of control again, but I'll win the fight before long). You have to do what will help you in the long run. Yes, my husband ended up being selfish too. I'll be thinking about you and hope things work out for you soon. TY IP: Logged |
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Creeping Crud Veteran Posts: 438 |
posted 04-27-2001 02:18 PM
Unfortunately, he's not a big believer in foreplay. If I were naked, he would take it as a signal that it were time to "stick it in", pardon my crudeness. In fact, he used to complain about taking 45 minutes for a sexual experience because it required waaaay to much effort on his part (when I was the one pleasing him, not the other way around) & that was before I had fibromyalgia. If I started by giving him a massage, chances are he'd either fall asleep or expect that was enough to get me in the mood. What it boils down to is that he's not the type of person who accepts education or change very well. We had quite a few prefibromyalgia sexual problems that I tried to talk to him about to no avail. And now, it's an even bigger issue because when it comes right down to it, I would rather try to live without sex than have it be a painful experience. I'm just not a selfish person, but I guess if there ever were a time to be, it's now. I'm sure it'll be a long, slow frustrating process, but I'll eventually get used to this disease and its limitations & he'll either have to or move on. Until then, I'll keep wishing that I hadn't quit smoking ------------------ IP: Logged |
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robste Senior Member Posts: 245 |
posted 04-27-2001 10:20 PM
Creeping, I hate to ask it, but why would you want to marry someone who is that selfish? I can see where your fiance might not completely understand your fibromyalgia and your physical pain (not many people do, because "you look fine"), but if he's not concerned about your needs at all in bed, it sounds like you could be asking for trouble if you marry this guy. I've been there, so I sort of understand your problem. IP: Logged |
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CelesteC Member Posts: 35 |
posted 04-27-2001 10:32 PM
Sorry- I just can't call you Creeping Crud, It does sound as if you and your fiance had problems even before your diagnosis of Fibro. My kids can be somewhat selfish and lacking in understanding at times but God put them in my life (for which I am thankful) however we had no choice in the matter of choosing what personality types we'd be blending as a family. Marriage is a different matter in that you do have a choice. I would really rethink my plans to marry this guy and if he's not willing to educate himself about your illness and be understanding and supportive then you are far better off without him. In other words, run, while you still have the chance. If he really loves you, he will make the necessary changes and if not, you don't need the added stress in your life. Wishing you the best. Celeste IP: Logged |
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Creeping Crud Veteran Posts: 438 |
posted 04-27-2001 10:44 PM
robste - Well, to make a long story short we have that friendship/partnership thing going for us. I kinda feel like one of those couples that's been married for 50 years, you know? As far as marrying him goes, there's a reason that we've been engaged for 6 years & still haven't gotten married (that's been my choice, not his). I hate to say that he'll change because I've known him long enough to know that he won't, but I'm hoping that he will someday be able to accept that there is something wrong with me. If not on a relationship basis, then at least on a friendship one. cioc - I agree with you as far as the stress is concerned. He's my major source of stress & he doesn't seem to understand the relationship between stress and pain. That's probably why I've been so worked up lately - too much on my mind. I know I need to make a decision, there just doesn't seem to be a right one. No matter what I do, I've got major trauma to deal with & I'm so scared that I'm not up to it. Leaving him after 6 years would be stressful, staying is stressful - can I just crawl under my bed for a while? P.S. I'd like to thank everyone who has read these posts & tried to help me through this. I'm not generally a whiny person, I just really need the emotional support right now. ------------------ IP: Logged |
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robste Senior Member Posts: 245 |
posted 04-28-2001 02:21 PM
Creeping, it sounds as if you're an intelligent person and that you realize you need to make a major decision regarding your fiance...oftentimes it's so much easier just to coast along and never make that decision, but in the long run, that will never help any of the stress. Yes, six years is a long time to "invest" in a relationship. Ask yourself this question, "do I want to live the rest of my life like this?" You can't change other people, only yourself, as I'm sure you know. Whatever decision you make, you have to do what is best for you...just remember, we're all here for you if you need to vent! So that this is fibromyalgia related...hope that you're feeling okay today! Take care, Robin IP: Logged |
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Copper Senior Veteran Posts: 568 |
posted 04-29-2001 06:29 PM
Hi again, Boy! I've been watching this thread - and, oh dear! I think I married your guy almost 21 years ago! We're still married. In the early days, I forgot about my own needs and TRIED to meet his. That rarely works, by the way. What I ended up doing, was giving him ALL my power, and losing every little bit of self-esteem I had. 21 yrs later we have a 14 year old, so I haven't thought seriously about leaving for many years. Not an option, for me, with a kid. HOWEVER - I am NO LONGER the subserviant little wimp I ultimately became in the marriage. Many years ago I stood up and made a major life choice which enabled me to take my power BACK, and tossed the 'stay or go' ball into his court. The outcome being that HE has been working diligently on changing HIS ways. I am BEGINNING to see regular glimpses of the guy I FANTASIZED [ The point of all this? We had MANY of the same issues back then - back when I was healthy, buff, and hot to HIS tastes - I've invested too much time and energy to change now, besides, through the years we've developed a peaceful love between us. We find our comfort zones in most situations if we try. But, if I had it to do again - ? The one thing that makes that a definite yes is our child. Wouldn't trade this experience for ANYTHING! But choosing to enter this without having already experienced our then future - no way! I'm afraid I'd HAVE to choose to have a life! Hopefully, some food for thought ------------------ [This message has been edited by Copper (edited 04-29-2001).] IP: Logged |
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Copper Senior Veteran Posts: 568 |
posted 04-29-2001 06:31 PM
Hi again, Boy! I've been watching this thread - and, oh dear! I think I married your guy almost 21 years ago! We're still married.
I've invested too much time and energy to change now, besides, through the years we've developed a peaceful love between us. We find our comfort zones in most situations if we try. But, if I had it to do again - ? The one thing that makes that a definite yes is our child. Wouldn't trade this experience for ANYTHING! But choosing to enter this having already experienced our then future - no way! I'm afraid I'd HAVE to choose to have a life! Hopefully, some food for thought ------------------ [This message has been edited by Copper (edited 05-01-2001).] IP: Logged |
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gracieathome Veteran Posts: 333 |
posted 05-01-2001 11:03 AM
The nicest thing for me about sex is all those yummy endorphins that it releases into your system. I have actually found it to be better than any pain medication. I think that the most important thing to remember is that communication is key. If you can get your partner to work at getting you there first it would make it that much easier for you to reciprocate. My husband is very understanding of this condition and knows that it may take more work on his part but then the reward will be worth it. Give it a shot and good luck. If you can get him to massage you with warm oil first, and make sure your environment is conducive to lovemaking with candlelight, soft music etc. it may help too. Gracie IP: Logged |
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]I was marrying (you know, the GOOD GUY inside that only I could see? I'm sure you are familiar with this guy)!