posted 06-25-2003 09:23 AM            

(bear with me, this is sorta long)

First of all - kudos to you for making that decision! Not enough parents stop to consider the effects of their actions on their children. I think it's all part of the ME culture. You know - that whole mentality of "I" deserve it, "I" want it and my kids will just have to accept it and adjust.

From what you say, though, it doesn't sound like your 5 year old would object at this point to you having a boyfriend. However, she is, after all, ONLY 5. Not capable of making those adult decisions or projecting their long-term impact on her life. You are in a much better position to do that.

Second... Your 5 year old sounds very sweet and affectionate. While those are wonderful things, it also sounds like she's a bit over-concerned with "taking care" of you. You have suffered a great deal (all of you), and I would imagine there have been some pretty highly emotional and stressful days. It's often very scary for young kids to see their mom (or dad) crying and reacting in highly emotional or unusual ways - it shakes their almost "god-like" view they have of their parents. It's scary for them to think that this person they are dependent on for everything, up to and including their lives, might not actually be as unshakeable as they have always believed. So, then it becomes very important for them to have you "back to normal" very quickly so they can feel safe and secure again. I would suggest sitting down and having a short talk with your 5 year old. Maybe tell her that she doesn't need to worry about mommy, that mommy is a grown up and that sometimes when grownups are sad and hurt, they cry (or whatever) too, but that it goes away. And, that even though mommy will cry or feel lonely sometimes, mommy is a grown-up and doesn't need anyone to fix it for her, because that's what all grownups feel sometimes. Remind her that you will be there for her and that you will help her fix her owies, because she is still little and still needs help with that. Then, just occasionally, remind her that, while it's sweet, she doesn't need to take care of you - that it's your job as the mommy to take care of her.

I'm hoping that you aren't sharing with your young children information about your adult feelings of betrayal, lonliness, sadness, pain, anger, and all those other things that are tied up with separation and loss, as this could give them the impression that you need or want their help and comfort, and that would be confusing your roles. I'm hoping that you have friends that you can talk to about those things that are more in the adult realm.

When my daughter was little, soon after my divorce, she would come up and hug me and ask if I was sad. If I was sad, I'd say yes. If she asked "why?" or "Howcome, mommy?" there were times I was VERY tempted to tell her I was sad because I was lonely, or sad because I didn't really have any friends, or because I didn't get paid as much as I was expecting. I think everyone wants a little sympathy when they are sad - but since I believe it's not appropriate to seek that sympathy from my child, I would say something like, "well, honey I'm sad because everyone has sad feelings sometimes. It's okay though and I'll only be sad for a little while." Usually that's all she needed, she just wanted reassurance so she could feel secure. I think it's healthy for our kids to see us dealing with our feelings openly and honestly and capably, but I don't think they necessarilly need to know all the reasons or particulars involved.

I know I sound preachy sometimes..I don't mean to.

Best of luck and wishes for you, my dear. Hang in there. You are obviously a very devoted and thoughtful mommy and - even if you toss my advice, thoughts, opinions out the window, I'm sure you will find a way to handle this hurdle in the best way for you and your kids.

posted 06-26-2003 02:41 PM            

My son was 6 when I married my husband. I kept the relationship away from him for over 4 months (and I knew that he was the one!) I took things slow though--introduced him as my friend, wasn't overly affectionate in front of him and still always made sure that he was my #1. Really hard to balance but it worked wonderfully. From the moment that he proposed, we always included my son on the outings (family oriented things). I feel that it wasn't just important for ME and my son but for my husband to get used to the realities of having a son (bad times and all!). Sort of a test for all of us. That was almost 7 years ago and we have 2 more children. It has been a blessing for all of us...in fact, most people that didn't know us before never know that we haven't ALWAYS been together. Just a thought for you for IF & WHEN you decide to try dating again.