posted 10-07-2002 01:58 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Blastoff9600:
Greenberry, would you say masturbation is wrong because it is a sexual outlet that is outside the marriage?

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Yes, it's cheating. If you're married, then you've promised that each of you will try to fulfill each other's sexual needs. If you're having sex and your spouse isn't involved, that's cheating. It's makes no difference that you're alone.

posted 10-07-2002 02:51 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by someguyinhis20s:
Yes, it's cheating. If you're married, then you've promised that each of you will try to fulfill each other's sexual needs. If you're having sex and your spouse isn't involved, that's cheating. It's makes no difference that you're alone.

[This message has been edited by someguyinhis20s (edited 10-07-2002).]

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posted 10-07-2002 02:58 PM            

Not everyone is as cool as you Blastoff! My eyes ARE open to the "real world", and I for one am sick of the "real world" where everything goes, as long as it feels good and "nobody gets hurt"! You have every right to run your life however you see fit, but I just have to ask, how does looking at pornography improve your marriage? How does sending your husband off to strip clubs help YOUR sex life? Do you feel that it is necessary to tolerate and accept material that degrades women and cheapens the sexual act in order to keep your husband?

posted 10-07-2002 03:28 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by kama2080:
That's a very unrealistic point of view..If I'm not in the mood for sex, I would rather my man masturbate then try to pressure me into sex or worse, go and find it elsewhere. At some point, there is going to be a time when you or your partner wants to have sex and the other does not. What then?

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posted 10-07-2002 04:14 PM            

I cant beleive someone beleives masturbating is cheating....man oh man you must never be away from you partner. A person shouldnt be expected to hold everything in because their partner is unavailable. That is just plain silly and can cause undue stress on the body. My hubby is in the Air Force so he is gone quite a bit. Well we both masturbate when away from each other. Matter of fact it is good for men to masturbate because it keeps the sperm fresh. I know funny thing to bring up but for those that have ever had to go through infertility you learn a bit. Guys that masturbate tend to have better control for sex and better sperm quality. This is going to sound cold but Someguyinhis20's I hope you never have to give a semen sample because low and behold you have to masturbate for that. And with your strict beliefs it will be an interesting experience for you.

Anyway masturbating is in no way cheating. I am very committed to my hubby and have been throughout our marriage. Masturbating just helps get through the times he isnt here or he is too tired. Also great stress reliever.

posted 10-07-2002 10:22 PM            

If you really think that your partner should never be excited by anyone but you and should never ever seek sexual release "outside" of the relationship, then you're just not being realistic. What, is your partner expected to be isolated from all outside ideas and images? Do you and your romantic partner live under rocks that you don't see images of other people and get turned on by them? Do you really, truly, honestly think that even if they say they are, that your parnter isn't thinking about someone else? Or masturbating? Gahd, you sound just like you're out of "1984" or something. Trying to control your partners thoughts is entirely, truly, without qualification, grounds for ending the relationship. And that's what you're advocating by saying they should never be excited or turned on by anything but you. Next thing you'll be telling them how to dress and what friends they can have and how often they can see their own mothers. It's also selfish. I'm sure you have fantasies and masturbate, but I just bet you somehow justify that.

Oh, and for the record, that "anything goes" mentality Greenberry mentioned? That's called, oh what is the word? Oh, yeah, freedom, I knew it was something like that. Guess what? Nobody but me gets to say what I do, and if "nobody's getting hurt" then who the heck cares?

posted 10-07-2002 10:48 PM            

This IS America, and people are free to do whatever they want to do as long as it is legal. That concept leads to the fact that I am free to think that some things some people do are WRONG. What is so hypocritical about thinking someone is engaging is an activity that is wrong, even while acknowledging that they are free to continue doing that activity?

posted 10-08-2002 11:14 AM            

Did you even bother reading what I wrote cause it sounds like you totally missed the point of what I was saying? You're talking about whether a person gets turned on by someone other than their spouse. I'm talking about whether they're doing so deliberately. Those are two very distinct ideas. It's perfectly normal for a person to get aroused by people other than their spouse. A person can't suddenly condition themselves to only be sexually aroused by their partner. That goes against human nature. But there's a big difference between that and me deciding to go to a strip club. In the former, I wasn't looking to get aroused, it just happened as a result of the situation I was in. But in the latter, I decided to get turned on by someone else. Do you see the difference?

As for dictating to my wife what she should think, I don't know where you got that from. I would never presume to tell my wife what she should think. I'd leave that up to her. But what does it say about our commitment to one another if she decides to masturbate while imagining she's having sex with another man? It wouldn't bother you if your spouse was pretending to have sex with someone else? It would bother me and I'd expect it to bother her if I did the same thing. Sex is in the mind, not just the bed.

As for the issue of freedom, that comes down to what your understanding of a relationship is. Whatever restrictions a person has in a relationship have to be self-imposed. In other words, I won't go to strip clubs, not because my wife told me not to, but because I on my own decided not to. Now maybe some people out there have spouses who won't mind in which case no harm is done. But personally, I wouldn't go even if my wife were OK with it. It's disrespectful to her and even if she didn't feel insulted, I would feel like I was being unfaithful. If my fantasized about other men, I would prefer not to know about it.

If my wife were away on business, yes I would wait. Getting married means you make certain concessions. It sounds like you want it both ways. You want to commit to someone sexually but leave the door open to think about someone else. Sorry, but I think commitment should be reflected in not only what you do but what you don't do. It may be old-fashioned, it may be unrealistic, but I think once you open the door where you say it's OK to fantasize about others, then it's very easy to take the next step and say, "well she's not here so I'll go to a strip club". Pretty soon you take it the next level and sleep with someone else excusing yourself because you're wife is out of town and you need some satisfaction.

posted 10-08-2002 11:31 AM            

Where were you 5 years ago! LOL

posted 10-08-2002 12:07 PM            

I really have to ask you what does it matter what ANYONE else think about if your right or wrong?? We are not the people you have to worry about, it is your wife you have to please.

I think you are incredibly lucky to find a lady who will fulfill and enjoy all the things you mentioned that you do TOGETHER. That is something you should be proud of cause it seems like you really love each other.

I guess what I want to ask is if your need to view porn and take pics of other women is greater than your need for your wife?? I suspect, it really is not, and I would guess that it might be a touchy topic in the future if you don't stop, which "could" potentially ruin your marriage. Within herself she is probably thinking OMG, I give and share with him all these things and activities and I am STILL not enough. I have to say I totally can understand what she is saying.

You say
""We could stay married and be reasonably happy, but it wouldn't be the same as it once was, when we felt like we were soulmates. I want SOOOOO much for it to be the same as it once was. But I don't know how.""

What do you mean when you say that you want it to be the same as it once was??? At one time did she not mind if you done these things???

I think the only answer here is to make compromises. She don't like you taking pics of women's asses and watching porn alone and you want her to like it. Ok, maybe if you agree not to take the pics she will agree to lighten up on the porn alone issue.

What ya gotta realize is that she says she isn't about to MAKE you do anything that will make you resent her later but yet your expecting her to accept something she is not comfortable with, and it is no different...do u think she will not resent you later if you continue regardless of how it bothers her??

You might not be totally happy with that compromising idea...but really...When you find someone you are that compatable with, isn't it worth a bit of compromise and self control to make that person feel good and secure in the marriage??

posted 10-08-2002 01:21 PM            

I'm not going to copy and paste your posts here, but you mention more than once "my wife" meaning your wife. I thought from all your other posts you weren't married? And if you are married, why are you posting questions about whether you made a mistake with someone a long time ago and how you supposedly haven't found anyone yet?

posted 10-08-2002 02:21 PM            

5 years ago I was at a bar watching strippers.

Kidding.

SouthernCaliforniaGirl,

posted 10-08-2002 04:26 PM            

In a marriage, things change a lot. The views that you go into marriage with are not necessarily the same views that you will have in 5 or 10 years.

If your sex life is so great, and you are so in love with your wife, then why are you questioning what you should do? If it is something that she is not comfortable with, and making her feel insecure then don't do it.

posted 10-08-2002 05:40 PM            

Suppose I were married. My wife and I get into an argument. I lose my temper and I start beating her. Later on, a friend of mine confronts me and tells me that I shouldn't hit my wife. The catch is he's single and he's never been married. By your logic, he has less credibility than someone who's married or has been married. Give me a break! You don't have to be married or have been married to comment about values, fidelity, respect, and honesty which is what this thread comes down to. These are not things exclusive to marriage and married people act like you have to be part of the club before you can criticize. I think that's the most flawed reasoning I've ever heard of. I wonder if a wife beater ever used that when he got arrested. "Oh officer, you're single so you can't comment. If you were married then I'd attach more credibility to what you're telling me." Please.

"You don't know it feels to be me." It's a good song, but a lame excuse to hide behind.

posted 10-09-2002 08:41 AM            

Justaguydi,

I, along with a few other people I imagine, are still waiting for an explanation on your "stealth" pictures of women's butts. If you're hanging around outside women's homes and taking voyeuristic pics of them you're defiantely in the wrong and I don't blame your wife for being upset. Please correct me if I'm in the wrong.
Maybe there's a sort of agreement you and your wife can come to but if you're engaging in activity that you know hurts and upsets her, then why continue it?

Take care everybody.