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 Huge age difference, don't know how to tell my dad without him freaking.
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fate13 Member  Posts: 28 |
posted 02-18-2003 02:45 PM
  
I'm 18 and my boyfriend is 33. I've been with him for almost 3 months now and it's been the greatest three months of my life. It been kind of a fate thing. We are so much alike...it's scary. I love him so much I can't describe it. I want to marry him someday, but I know my dad will freak if he finds out we are together. I don't want to mess anything up. My biggest fear right now is loosing him. I'd die.  IP: Logged |
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Chezz Senior Member Posts: 162 |
posted 02-18-2003 05:38 PM
The longer you wait to tell your dad, the more upset he'll be when you finally do tell him. While 15 years is a big difference, a lot of people say age should not be a factor as long as both parties are mature. Things that should be in his favor for your dad to accept him is if he has a good job, never been in trouble with the law, respectful, isn't interested in just sex, and so on. If he possesses most of these qualities, maybe your dad won't quite go ballistic as you think he will. The sooner the better. Good luck. IP: Logged |
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lilihob Senior Member Posts: 184 |
posted 02-18-2003 06:13 PM
when i was 21 i fell in love with a 36 yr old man. my parents, understandably, freaked. my dad especially. they believed he was too old for me, probably didn't really love me, was just using me for sex. my mum, being a very wise woman, told my dad that the more he opposed me, the more we'd cling to each other, and that would end up driving me into this mans arms. so my parents decided to make it clear that they didn't approve but didn't interfere. then i got sick(long story). my b/f supported me, took me to my hospital appointments, kept his fulltime job and generally respected me and my family. he proved himself to my dad, and when we got married, my dad happily gave me away. we have had 8 wonderful years together, and when our 1st daughter was born, my husband told me he now understood my father. you need to behave in a grownup fashion to your dad. show him you are an adult woman in a committed relationship. sneaking around will only convince him that your guy is a bad influence. it will take time but if you make it clear that you love and respect your dad, BUT your relationship with this man is non-negotiable. your dad will learn to accept him. no matter what, your guy must always treat your father with politeness and respect. you can do this! good luck! IP: Logged |
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nicola_76_uk Senior Member Posts: 109 |
posted 02-19-2003 06:26 AM
The two previous posters have given you excellent advice. There's not much else to say. I completely agree with the sooner you tell your parents the better. Sneaking around will only make you and your guy look bad. Take care and good luck! Nic IP: Logged |
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ilovesunshine Veteran  Posts: 322 |
posted 02-21-2003 03:06 PM
Well I'm 25 and I am friends with a 45 year old man. He is interested in me and he has been very nice to me. I was going through a rough time and he has helped me alot. But I want to know, does age really matter in a relationship?? IP: Logged |
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the advocate unregistered |
posted 02-21-2003 03:34 PM
Does age really matter is a tough question. There are some very real biological consequences to getting seriously involved with someone so much older. This applies to both men and women. ilovesunshine, I guess you need to think about where each of you will be in 20 years. You will be 45, and he'll be 65. That's a huge difference. Think of your average 50 year old, and then think of the average 70 year old. A typical 30 year old simply is in a much different physical state that the average 50 year old. (assuming both are healthy) For me, personally, I just don't look at women 10 or 15 years older as potential long term partners. I don't think I could ever really love them in that way. There are many reasons for this, but to each their own. Also, that's not to say that I don't find older women attractive, because many are. IP: Logged |
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lilihob Senior Member Posts: 184 |
posted 02-21-2003 09:41 PM
here goes; big age differences only work if you're on the same page biologically. by that i mean wanting to reproduce or not. i have a 15yr age gap with my husband and it works cos i wanted to settle down and have my kids. a younger man and older woman can run into problems cos he wants to enjoy his youth and her biological clock is tick, tick, ticking! but that can apply to a same age couple. as to the difference between a 70 and 50 yr old physically, my grandmother is 78 and looks fantastic/is in amazing condition, while my poor mom is half-crippled with arthritis at 55. basically any long term relationship has only a 50/50 chance of "making it" and the more you have in common the better; age social status race/background education likes/dislikes hobbies looks the thing is people break these dumb rules all the time and are massively happy, and people who seem to have everything going for them, break up! so, go for the one you feel will make you happy and hope! IP: Logged |
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Merrida Senior Veteran Posts: 1188 |
posted 02-21-2003 09:44 PM
Well not everyone is hung up on thinking their partners should never change physically, that they'll always somehow look like they did the day you met them or married them, and are unwilling to accept the very real fact that people change. If that is your primary concern then obviously, scope out the high schools so you can always be top dog. However, with regards to your question, you're grown up, and you are a legal adult. It isn't your job to cater to your parents wishes. If you want to be treated like an adult, move out, get your own apartment and date who you wish, and your folks will either learn to come around over time, or you will lead an adult life without their acceptance but you can request they be pleasant and cordial. I'm not so sure why you're worried or what you think will happen if your dad "freaks," -- what is it that you are afraid of? What will he do? Kick you out? You're 18 and you're ready to be on your own, you're all grown up. Afraid of his judgment? Believe me this won't be the last time you'll make a decision the parents won't approve of. They're grown ups too and they will learn to deal with it...it may just take some time. You have to choose, on the other hand, to either run your life around your parent's feelings and their wishes, or lead your own life making your own choices and live with what comes with making your own choices and that includes the benefits and repercussions. IP: Logged |
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the advocate unregistered |
posted 02-22-2003 12:47 AM
Merrida, principally, you're correct in her being a legal adult. But how many 18 year olds are really mature enough to be dating someone so much older, and seemingly so serious about it? My guess is not many at all. Fate, it's no slam on you, but it tends to be the reality. Also, I'd be one upset dude if my daughter was dating a guy that probably wasn't too much younger than I was. Especially at such a young age. Most fathers in their right mind would be VERY skeptical of such a thing. Not because they're possessive, close minded ass**les that don't care about their daughter's well being. But because they DO care. Yeah, she could get a full time job, get an apartment, and date whomever she wants. Her parents really wouldn't have much say at that point. Fate, my general advice (not really knowing you) would be that this is a time in your life where it might be more healthy to be dating people more your age. I'd also suggest that there's really no hurry to get into a serious relationship right now. If you're like most 18 year olds, you have a lot of discovering to do between now and 25. Also, what's up with this 33 year old guy? Yeah love is supposed to be blind. I know, I know. But really, what's the story here. Is this lust or love? What do you guys talk about? If he went to college, he's been OUT for 11 years. You've been out of high school for 1 year max. Good luck, but just be careful. IP: Logged |
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Merrida Senior Veteran Posts: 1188 |
posted 02-23-2003 09:28 AM
I didn't imply her choice was correct, healthy, lasting, or real, nor did I imply that her parents might be wrong. In fact I agree. As a parent I not only wouldn't approve, but I'd like to think I'd raise my daughter to make wiser choices. So their protective defensiveness may have to due more with how they feel this reflects on their parenting abilities. Regardless, being a legal adult, if she wishes to be treated as one she needs to act like one which means being on her own if she wants to be grown up. But you can't have it both ways: I want to date this older guy and do what I want, but live with mom and dad.... Fish or cut bait. ------------------ Thoughts don't make us who we are -- Actions do. IP: Logged |
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badgirl Senior Member Posts: 238 |
posted 02-23-2003 12:01 PM
fate13, I am sure you are very happy with this man right now, but give it a little more time things may change and then they may not. I would tell my parents. Honsety is the best policy, as the old saying goes. The advice I gave my daughter is when she considers dating someone older, what do you have in common? I was totally against this, but I can't control her feelings. Although she is just now starting to date and have feelings, she thinks she is mature enough to date older guys (even though girls are a lot maturer than boys), this blew my mind. So this one guy she wanted to date was 18. I do not let her car date so I let him come to the house, sit with her at the ballgames, but this fizzled out as time went by, boy was I glad. I think it was excitement of an older guy liking her, the experience they possess, etc. But I am glad my daughter confided in me to let me know she was interested in older boys so I could advise her. Fate-13, I know the situation I told you about is different, but I was giving you an example. I will let you know, as a parent, I am not for the wide age gap. But you will have to learn this on your own. Just give yourself time and enjoy, but be careful, birth control wise, if there is sex involved. Also, I found it very hard to talk to my dad about these things when I was your age, so I would usually tell my mom and let her tell dad. But if you can talk to them both, then sit them both down at the same time, pick a time when everyone is in a good mood and tell them. Let them meet him. Tell them his good qualities and why you like him so much. Badgirl [This message has been edited by badgirl (edited 02-23-2003).] IP: Logged |
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ilovesunshine Veteran Posts: 322 |
posted 02-24-2003 10:35 AM
Well, not only is he so much older than me, but I've only known him for 2 months. He told me that he is interested in me, but I want to have a friendship first just to get to know each other better. People tell me that age doesn't mean anything in a relationship and also other people told me I'm too young for him which I feel that I am. I have never had a relationship with anyone this is my first time. I don't really know what they're all about. IP: Logged |
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the advocate unregistered |
posted 02-24-2003 09:25 PM
Well, how do you feel about being 30 when he's 50? It's your call. I think age DOES matter for a lot of reasons. Also, you say you just want to be friends for now, but you also said that this is your first relationship. What do you mean by that? It seems contradictory, doesn't it? IP: Logged |
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charby15 Veteran Posts: 394 |
posted 02-25-2003 12:20 PM
Personally I would really wonder about this guy. And if i brought home a 33 year old BF when i was 18 my dad would have chaced him away with his 22!!! I just can't see what a 33 year old grown man and a young nieve 18 year old have in common. I have a couple questions if you don't mind me asking. I just want a better idea of whats going on. 1.) Do you live in a small town? My best friend moved over to the seattle area from a very small town in Eastern WA. She was a very smart and mature girl, but she was very nieve in alot of ways too. She dated this older man who was in his mid 30's. He sweet talked her like you wouldn't beleive. He lied to her about who he really is. She was so blinded by how sweet he was she couldn't see the real him. Once he had her he changed. He borrowed like $800 from her then turned on her. Became possesive. He controlled everything. Good thing she had a friend that cared for her since she was so far from home. I made her stand up to him. Well she found out he was on parole and not a good guy. She never got her money back, she thought her life was worth $800 cause he threatened to kill me and her cause i was the cause of her leaving him. She moved. changed her number cut her hair and got a new car!!! and guess what he still found her again!! Moral is....Some older men thrive on young inocent girls. What can a 33 year old possibaly see in an 18 year old girl. You have so much growing up to do. Whatever you do don't lie to your parents, always let them know what is going on in your life cause if something does go wrong with this guy they will know what to watch for. If your dad does freak out it is only cause he loves you and KNOWS whats best, even if you don't think so. IP: Logged |
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ilovesunshine Veteran Posts: 322 |
posted 02-25-2003 12:47 PM
Well the age difference does bother me a little. This is the first time that anyone has ever felt this strong about me before. Guys never liked me and I have never been into a relationship with anyone before. I had always wanted a boyfriend. I don't really know what relationships are all about. IP: Logged |
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ilovesunshine Veteran Posts: 322 |
posted 02-25-2003 12:48 PM
Well I lived in a small town in Maryland. I was having problems with my car and I met him he was able to help me. Yes I do have alot of growing up to do. I want to be able to experience a relationship someday. No I am very honest with my parents. IP: Logged |
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charby15 Veteran Posts: 394 |
posted 02-25-2003 12:58 PM
Well i just read your situation and although it is similar to the origional poster your ages are different. You are 25 she is 18. Think of all the changing and growing you did in the time frame from when you were 18 until now. At your age you have a way more clearer idea of what you want in life. You are probably settled and ready to get married or start a family where she has so much more to do to get to that point. If you are inlove with a 45 y/o man and he loves you back then go for it. My post was intended for the origional poster. An 18 y/o no matter what they say doesn't really truely know what they want in life. She said she wants to marry him someday after 3 months. I just think she has more to worry about then some older guy that is already settled most likely. IP: Logged |
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Lady^ Senior Veteran Posts: 1043 |
posted 02-25-2003 02:02 PM
fate13, if this guy is treating you right and making you happy then you should not let your parents break you up. The relationship may or may not work out...you may or may not end up marrying this guy. But you only live once and it's your choice and your life. Do you still live with your folks? If so then I can understand why you're scared to tell them as they may give you an ultimatum...."stop seeing him as long as you're living under my roof...blah blah". They have every right to do this so be prepared for it. If you live on your own then you truly do own your life now and you need to do what makes you happy. IP: Logged |
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fate13 Member Posts: 28 |
posted 02-25-2003 02:25 PM
Hello Everyone!! Well, I told my dad and he was very cool about it!!  I am very happy now and I want to thank all of you for the advice. You are all so kind.Thank You!! charby15: Yes I do live in a small town, but he doesn't. We met because I was on a web site because I was looking for a band to play with. I'm a bass player and he's a guitar player. Anyway, he responded to my ad. I talked to him on the phone and I remembered thinking how nice he was. Later that week I went to his place to try out. It went really well, we seemed to connect in music and everything else. We had the same hopes, dreams and experiences. We waited a while before we hooked up. (we are both very shy and the band) Then one day it got to the point where neither of us could deny it. He kissed me and that was it. He's the greatest guy I have ever met. I love him so much!!! But anyway, it has been about 4 months now and it has been flawless. It feels like fate!! It was just meant to be. Thanks again to everyone. IP: Logged |
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qtpie2003 Senior Member Posts: 132 |
posted 02-25-2003 03:06 PM
Fate- I can't say one way or the other if I think that the age difference is to large and would be the "end all" of the relationship. No one can say this because who knows...he "MAY" just be the man for you and if he is then you are EXTREMELY lucky I'm glad that everything worked out for you and I wish you the best of luck! It's not always easy to find love in this world and your truly blessed if you have found the "real" thing. God Bless you both! IP: Logged |
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N2golf Senior Veteran Posts: 548 |
posted 02-26-2003 09:23 PM
I'm just curious- what does a 33 year old man have in common with an 18 year old girl? If my daughter was 18 seeing a 33 year old man, you bet ya I would have ALOT of questions and I wouldn't like it at all! IP: Logged |
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fate13 Member Posts: 28 |
posted 02-26-2003 11:00 PM
We have everything in common...I mean everything. Music, hobbies, experiences, personality, dreams...etc. Plus, not to sound conceited, but I am very mature for my age. I had to grow up really quick when my mom left.(difficult subject.) It's kind of hard to explain since no one knows me. I just needed a little help. Thanks again to everyone! Oh, I would like to add... You can't put numbers to love. IP: Logged |
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the advocate unregistered |
posted 02-26-2003 11:08 PM
I'm with you N2golf. Also, I've never really heard an 18 year old say they weren't "very mature" for their age. They all think that. But let me tell you, I'm a 28 year old guy, and the match would be called a "no contest" if I was dating an 18 year old. Seriously. IP: Logged |
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fate13 Member Posts: 28 |
posted 02-26-2003 11:24 PM
I wish all of you who think this is wrong, could see us together and see how perfect it is. It would make things easier if you actually knew me. People are so quick to judge. Not all 18 year old girls are the same. IP: Logged |
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ilovesunshine Veteran Posts: 322 |
posted 02-27-2003 11:39 AM
OK I have asked a few people if age does matter in a relationship and they tell me that it's better to have one with an older guy because they are more mature. I know this is up to me to decide but someone please tell me why age does matter? IP: Logged |
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eternitybc Member Posts: 56 |
posted 03-04-2003 06:09 PM
Sunshine age=experience. Period. The older you are , the more you've lived, and the more you know about. Also, the closer to wrinkles/bladness/etc you are, but if you arent after looks, who cares. If you like this guy great. Just be aware he'll die before you. You may have to take care of him in his old age. When you're 50, he'll be 75, and you may want to go out and have fun still, but he'll be too tired. Just keep in mind your differences. IP: Logged |
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ilovesunshine Veteran Posts: 322 |
posted 03-06-2003 11:42 AM
OK thank you for your advice. IP: Logged |
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chippie Veteran Posts: 493 |
posted 03-07-2003 09:00 AM
I read somewhere if you felt that you couldn't live with out someone or felt that they were perfect or would flip out if they paid attention to another girl/guy that it wasn't true love, more like infatuation. You are 18 he's 33, date, hang out, be careful and enjoy each other but don't rush into marriage for crying out loud! At 23 I married a man 10 years older than me and I feel I missed out on quite a bit in the three years that our marriage lasted. Three years that i could've used to explore and play and experience! IP: Logged |
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fate13 Member Posts: 28 |
posted 03-09-2003 09:21 PM
Hello Everyone! Everything has been great so far. No problems with anything. I'm not going to rush into marriage, but I would love to marry him someday. I don't mind the age difference at all. He is 15 years older but you couldn't tell that by looking at him. I would love to take care of him in his old age. He might end up taking care of me if I get my mom's disease. She's 45 and in a nursing home. It's been tough, but I am glad I have found true love. Actually, it found me. Well, thanks to everyone and there comments!!  [This message has been edited by fate13 (edited 03-09-2003).] IP: Logged |
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Sinnrah Senior Veteran Posts: 1934 |
posted 03-09-2003 10:56 PM
Just curious as to if the ages difference was reversed. A younger guy w/ an older woman? Say 21 and 31? Sinnrah IP: Logged |
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ilovesunshine Veteran Posts: 322 |
posted 03-10-2003 09:35 AM
That's what I'm doing. Having a friendship first, hanging out together then see how everything goes. I don't want to rush into anything. IP: Logged |
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rob71 Member Posts: 29 |
posted 03-17-2003 02:19 AM
I was 30 and my ex was 20 at the time we started dating. Her parents freaked until they met me and realized my intentions were pure. Just make sure his are. I am not currently with the girl anymore but still talk to her parents all the time. You should tell your dad try to convince him to trust in your judgement then invite him to dinner so your dad can see the real him. It worked for me and my ex. Good luck, Rob IP: Logged |
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BP43 Member Posts: 74 |
posted 03-18-2003 03:45 PM
ok i have a question.. how come its right for you guys to have big age differences?? i mean I am 14 and I like this guy thats 18 and he likes me but we cant go out because of age... I mean its the same thing being older... I just don't get it? IP: Logged |
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