posted 05-11-2003 10:54 PM            

The problem is that he just doesn't seem to put any thought into the gifts. They are nice gifts but it isn't something that I want. I always try to LISTEN to him and take notes when I hear him say that he wants something but isn't willing to spend that money on himself--and I get it for him as gift later. HE just runs up to the jewelry store last minute and picks up my gift...doesn't even have the right size! I just had a lot going on recently and it just like he didn't even CARE enough to put some thought and effort into it to make sure it was even the right size!!There are bunches of things that I want but I always put him and the kids first....I rarely treat myself to things. I think that is what hurt me so much. I just couldn't help but look disappointed when I opened it and it was the wrong size....and it wasn't something that he knew that I wanted. This happens all the time with him. Diamonds are not my best friend.....I have things in my jewelry box that I don't even wear! They are beautiful things but I can only wear so much, ya know?! I'm sorry for venting on here and I hope I don't seem unappreciative. I love my husband and I appreciate him so much. He just makes me furious (and sad) that he doesn't seem to listen and plan to give me gifts or do things for me that I LIKE. Please help.....

posted 05-11-2003 11:38 PM            

yeah, I know. Men. I swear. We are all the same. My wife of 22 years probably felt exactly the same way when I bought gifts. I was a lot like your husband.

I dunno. It's just not that big of a deal to some of us. I mean, to a lot of guys holidays are more of a chore than a celebration.

We're all about making the cash and the non-emotional things in a relationship. Guys think with their heads, ladies tend to think with their hearts. I think we are just programmed that way.

Sounds like you just may have to get to the point that you can accept things as they are.

And for the record....... my lovely bride finally had enough. Bailed out, found her another fella and down the road she went. Sort of a crummy deal after 22 years but the kids are better off and I think her new hubby is more aware of the kind of stuff that is so important to her.

Bruce.

PS - Have you talked to him about this? Does he care that it is affecting you this way? Is it one of those "if I have to say something about it then it's all wrong. He should KNOW that I care if he is my husband" sort of things? If you have not talked to him about it you at least owe it to him, in my opinion. If you have talked to him about it and he does not care then I think you may be stuck.

PSS - Is he self employed or on some kind of straight commission program at work? If so, then I can see how he would be distracted.

Good luck.

posted 05-12-2003 09:56 AM            

Hey Bruce, I do have a question for you. You mentioned that you think the new hubby is more aware of stuff that is important to her...did you realize it all along? Did she talk to you about it? I think that the issue isn't necessarily about just gifts but an overall attitude of not appreciating me and noticing my needs or wants.

posted 05-12-2003 10:55 AM            

I thought I would toss in my thoughts on this. I have found myself in the same position in each of my relationships. I don't really agree with the argument that women think with their emotions and men think with their heads. I think it all comes down to how closely each of us actually *listens* to our partners. For me, that is the key.

In your case, it sounds as if you made it known to your husband what it was that you would have liked for mother's day prior to the day actually arriving. I have done the same in my relationships and had the same result as you. I am not a woman that wears jewelery. I have my ears pierced but rarely wear earrings. I don't wear watches because I have such a screwy body chemistry that I generally have an adverse reaction to most metals. And bracelets/necklaces/anklets tend to be more of a pain then they are worth. Rings are a no-go because my fingers shrink and swell several times throughout the day which means I either fight to get the ring off when the circulation is cut off...or I spend hours searching for the ring that fell off of my finger when the swelling went away.

I have, in my relationships, actually sat down and made out a "wish list" for gifts when holidays approach. I hand the list to my S.O. and state that if he wishes to get me something for the holiday...the things on the list are what I would appreciate the most. One would think that since I have already made it clear what it is that would make me happy...the shopping part would be easy. However, sadly, the list is usually ignored completely and the gift that is given is something that will likely collect dust from lack of use.

I think, in some cases, the men tend to believe that all women have a desire to have trinkets because they are considered to be gifts that are appealing to the emotional individuals. Not all women are like that though. Some of us are much more practical and would be thrilled if the brakes were replaced on our car for our birthday! It basically comes down to the male in the relationship taking a bit of time to understand the female. Many females are just as guilty as many males in not taking the time to understand their S.O. and what makes them happy. How many times have we heard men complain about that horribly itchy, ugly, wouldn't-be-caught-dead-in-it sweater that was a gift from their wife/girlfriend? The woman may have purchased it with the intention of giving the man something that was practical and useful...not really taking into consideration that it isn't something the man would ever wear and he wouldn't see it as a useful gift. He may have wanted that new remote control car that is sitting in Radio Shack that is so richly detailed that when he looked at it he just knows that if the hood could be opened on it he would see a 351 cleveland and end up salivating.

I guess what it really comes down to is the willingness of each of us to actually *listen* to our significant other and respond accordingly. If we find ourselves with someone that is either unwilling or incapable of doing this...we eventually have to come to accept that the gifts we receive aren't likely going to be ideal.

I am sorry that your situation seems to fall into the latter category instead of the former. I wish I could offer better advice than the "sometimes we just have to accept things as they are" spheel.

Take care of you,

sprout

P.S. If it's any consolation to you...I didn't receive a single gift for Mother's Day...not even a card...from my S.O. or my children.

posted 05-12-2003 11:54 AM            

I always had the same upset - nobody ever seemed to get me the things I had indicted I wanted. I like my feet rubbed - so hubby got me one of those pain in the neck/never will use cuz it's too much work water massagers for feet, and like Sprout, I don't wear jewelry and my mom always buys me pearls or something.

So then one Christmas a few years ago, I started telling my hubby that I wanted a capacciono maker (sp) - definately one of those things that I would never buy myself. I figured that he wouldn't get it but I'd gotten used to that by then. Well low and behold - I got "3" capacciono machines that year - my hubby, my mom AND my brother each heard the message and got it for me!

It's been the family joke ever since!

And it's funny - not getting the stuff on my list has never bothered me after that - I guess because it really isn't about the present - it's about being heard. It's an acknowledgement that you mean enough to the person to listen to you.

My take on the guy thing. I think a lot of guys really resist (subconsciously) being "told what to do" - and something as simple as a list of what you'd really like somehow taps into that, even when it is they that have insisted you make the list! They also seem to lose the thrill of giving the gift if they feel you already know it's coming - so they try to get creative and surprise you! They're trying to do something special and we end up feeling unheard.

I think it boils down to that whole Mars/Venus thing.

For me - once I got the 3 coffeemakers - I just let go of any importance I had placed on getting what was on the list - in fact mostly I don't make one anymore. If there is something that I have decided I really want - I take a deep breath and go against that guilt all women seem to feel - and buy it for myself!

posted 05-12-2003 12:32 PM            

My mom doesn't usually get what she really wants, my sister says the same thing. I have also found myself in the dillema of feeling like a brat for not appreciating the thought my loved one had behind a gift or suspecting the lack of thought.... (even worse.)

Lately I've taken to telling him my favorite stores/brands. I have given him a formula that he somehow believes (happily) that his his own discovery. IE: I like a main gift (coach, jewlery, something decadent i wouldn't buy myself) I like a box of godivas, chanel perfume, then a girlie thing like bath and bodyworks or crabtree and evelyn thing. Whatever combination finances or his mood will allow will pretty much end in a successful gift giving experience for me.

In giving his gift, I have learned that what he realllly wants for his bday or father's day is peace and quiet, a nice steak and some music he's mentioned, a dvd he's not seen yet and anything technical/electronic toy type thing...throw in a nice new shirt he can wear to work and he's a happy guy.

I guess it's a matter of listening, making and learning from mistakes and most importantly lightening up and wanting what you have, rather than wishing to have what you want.

Clear as mud? Great!

posted 05-12-2003 12:41 PM            

I know what you mean about the gifts though. I think someone said that we build ourselves up w/anxiety and wishful "Oh' I can't wait to see what he's gotten me," that when we get some silly gift that we could definitely do w/out, it's a huge let down. I'm learning to expect nothing, that way even when I get something of NO use...It's the thought that he's gotten me something that makes me smile. That is more than alot of men do at all. So, I know you got something you didn't want but...AT least you have a good man who remembered to get you something.

posted 05-12-2003 03:49 PM            

Love is a many splendored thing. --The Common Weal (Wheel)

Grand-Maw, what strange eyes you have, and such big teeth! --Little Red Riding Hood

Eye See...Eye Dentity!

Mother’s Day and other holidays, as gift-getting-giving, involves a "Return Love" that buy and large cannot be fulfilled.

Human beings at heart are basically cannibalistic, parasitic, devouring, and all consuming when it comes to recongnizing the tender-necessities of our loving ways and means.

Strive as we will to be altruistic, romantic, or caring, it is a near impossibility to fulfill such personal expectations. Traditional economic displays of gifting are rooted in the origins and subsistence of life; i.e., as a Christmas birth, and as a special occasion, Mother’s Day, an archetypal participation in the yearly ordeal.

Every birth is a matter of putting your self on the line in terms of risk and survival, and the bringing of another into this world. Self-sacrifice is the key word, as a gifting of one’s self.

The be-jeweled box, the head, heart, hope, and treasure chest, is but a harboring of potential, a dowry for hard times gathered in good times.

The good provider, provisionally speaking, gifts a lifetime, as an abeyance of the wolf in sheep’s clothing, the unknown and the unexpected.

A gift is an endowment, a personalized philanthropic effort for the good of all concerned. The moral-e paradox, the confusion, is that the very nature of being human encourages and promotes self-sufficiency, self-righteousness, and indignity.

posted 05-12-2003 05:04 PM            

Yeah - I sort of realized that I was not getting the job done here. It just was not that big a deal to me. I guess I should have been more aware on these things.

Actually, it's probably best that I was not more aware. Becuase of my attitude she eventually left. Crummy for me but wonderful for the children. They don't have to listen to her complain any more.

Sorry that your discussion turned into an unpleasant event. Hope things are better now.

Supervisor at an induatrial facility? Well, I guess he has his hands full. I was self employed. I worked constantly. I think I worked all of the time because I did not want to come home to someone that was not happy. Not saying this has anything to do with your situation...... just my own reflection.

Funny, after she left I quit working so much and spent a lot of time at home taking care of chores and such. That was what she really wanted all along!

Hang in there kiddo.

Bruce

posted 05-12-2003 10:27 PM            

Sprout~ I agree with the idea of men not LISTENING to what we really want..It may actually be because of the head/heart differences. I have tried listing a "wish list" on the fridge and it was also beside the "Honey-Do list". Fat lot of good either of those did!

Short-stuff~ I love the story about the cappuccino maker and the water massagers. Really made me smile!

Missychacha~ I have tried telling my hubby about fav. brands/stores....Oh, I told him that I love the Pear Glace shower gel/body lotions from Victoria Secret....and he comes home with lots of things for me to wear. Great Fun but no shower gel! lol Your gift list for him sounds identical to mine for my hubby....Just add in some super hot sex for the grand finale and he is a happy man!

RhondaBradshaw & Chinchilla~ I am beginning to really appreciate my hubby more since it doesn't seem to be just him that acts this way.

Villagegal~ I remember telling my husband to not buy me flowers too...and he LISTENED to that! lol I felt that it was such a waste to spend all that money on flowers but suggested that he could buy me something that I could plant outside. I take great pride in my yard, but he thought I had lost my mind! He said," I can't buy you a gift that needs to be PLANTED!"

Chiron~ Wow! I never really thought of human beings as being cannibalistic, parasitic, devouring, and all consuming like that before! You are going really deep for me

Mydog~ Thanks so much, Bruce. I tell you what--the boards wouldn't be the same without your advice and wise words. Hubby won't be home until 3am so I am struggling with what to say to him in the morning. I scares me to think that he may interpret my wanting him to focus on what I want as nagging --or worse. I breaks my heart to wonder if he is happy here with me......I think it is tremendously sad that a spouse would work long hours to stay AWAY from loved ones. It seems that what happened with you happens with so many couples...you did the things that she wanted after the divorce. It does seem to me that so many other things must have been wrong with her(previous replies about your kids). Besides, WHO could NOT like such a great guy like yourself!

posted 05-13-2003 05:22 PM            

When my husband and I first got married, we got in a discussion once about gift giving and listening. He completely understood what I meant. He's a pretty nice guy. So fast forward to Christmas. I open my gift, and it's a leather biker jacket. The kind with the fringe. Now I was THIRTY YEARS OLD mind you. A little old for a biker jacket I thought. I don't even have a bike. Well, it was my fault. One time at the mall, during the year, I commented on how I had always wanted one of those jackets. I meant WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN NOT THIRTY!

What could I say? That thing cost nearly $300. So I went around all the rest of the winter in this jacket I looked like a goober in. HAHA.

Now, we made a rule. NO gift giving for any holiday. On Christmas we get something for ourselves together. Like a new lamp or a coffee table. On Valentines day, and birthdays we each get to pick a restaurant and go out to eat.

My son is the most thoughtful gift giver ever. He listens to his gf and picks what she loves. He went all over town last Valentines day looking for a specific color of lily for her. He always listens to me. He gives the best gifts. He got me a teapot and I love it. It's something I happened to mention one day that I'd love to have.

posted 05-13-2003 09:06 PM            

In my family, not only is there no listening or communication on what would be an appropriate gift for a family member, BUT A LOT OF TIMES THERE IS NOT EVEN THE COMMUNICATION OF THE GIVING OF THE GIFT! It will just be left to sit somewhere with your name on it and you hopefully find it and open it. Or in this case, a sister will be tasked with opening the gifts and “sending notice” that the grand event of giving has occurred.

Any how
There is a CD clock radio. I do not have any CD’s, but I guess that if my alarm clock ever breaks I will take this one if it is still around.
There is a belt 2 sizes too large.
Let’s see here…oh a Texas Instruments graphing calculator… a TI-89. Perfect for the kid starting high school. Too bad I graduated high school 14 years ago.
Some sweat clothes red maroon top and gray pants. Mismatched and too large.
There is a wahl clip-n-trim 2-1 trimmer? Not sure what the heck that is for … never had a mustache or a beard in my life. I guess it is for head hair too?
Some tiny little jars of jelly… this one says Honey Raspberry Crème?
Wow some black socks. I can actually use those so no complaint on that one.
And a programmable electronic name plate for a desk… not too popular where I work.
On top of the pile is an Easter basket with a couple of dusty jellybeans

Hey Soccermom, I love how you told about how you changed your giving habits toward your kids.
That is such a hopeful story. One can become a better gift giver if they make the effort. If they reflect and have an open mind.

Like Bruce said if was not a big deal to him.
But it is a big deal to you. To you the appropriateness of the gift is important. It shows caring, intimacy and appreciation. To your husband it is not a big deal it is just a gift. That is the Mars-Venus thing. It means different thing to each of you. You have every right (and even a responsibility) to tell your husband how you feel about gift in general and specific ones that he has given. That is feed back not nagging. You sound like you would do it in a loving way not a nagging way.

posted 05-14-2003 10:45 PM            

FF~ You are too funny!!!!!!! Maybe that calculator has been sitting wrapped in there since high school! Thanks for the confidence , but it just seems that no matter how I try to approach him lovingly he thinks it is a personal attack.

I would like to add that he was so worried about us being "upset" that he took the day off yesterday to try to work on our communication. He is really an extraordinary guy and I love him so much for the man that he is. Regardless, I don't know if there is anyway to try to make him comprehend something that he doesn't even realize himself. It just doesn't seem fair that we cannot figure out any other alternatives other than me just pretending to be happy with things that I don't want or need.

posted 05-15-2003 10:33 PM            

I've thought about this topic a lot since you posted it. My husband and I talked about it this afternoon. We came to the conclusion that it's the type of personality a person has. Some people are just more kind and thoughtful. I think when it comes to males, they're conditioned to be macho and cool and if they have feeling and kindness it's opressed. Not just by us but by the media and the world (in general). To be male and thoughtful is to be weak and "gay".

My husband thinks self confidence is the ticket. When men don't care what the other guys think about their masculinity, they are generally more thoughtful human beings. Us woman aren't looked at as a weeney or "gay" for being kind and thoughful.