posted 08-15-2003 08:32 PM            

Recently she has a new found sense of self-confidence, which I am really happy about. She can buy what she calls "normal" clothes now and generally feels great after being self conscious for so long.

We recently got Internet access again after canceling it six years ago. We cancelled it the last time because I caught her having cybersex and phonesex with guys, a problem, which we obviously worked through.

Lately she has been hanging out in a particular IRC (Internet Relay Chat) channel where people from around our state gather and chat. I didn't have a problem with this until I saw my phone bill. It seemed she was also calling a few of these people, most of which were guys. And she seemed to talk to one guy a lot. So I asked her if anything was going on, and she basically told me they were friends. I told her I was a bit uncomfortable with her calling people I have never met, and she said I would eventually meet them. Okay so far.

Then a female chat friend came to town to stay with family. So they spent the week doing things around town. Then came the weekend and they went out. They went out all day/part of the night on Friday and then again Saturday evening (and she was dressed to kill ... not the usual nice outfit with jeans ... it was a black dress .. a really nice expensive outfit). Hours passed and she finally called at three in the morning to say she was sleeping on this friend's couch until she sobered up. This is completely unlike her and I wasn't happy with it. As it turns out it was her friend's idea to have her call and let me know she was okay, otherwise I wouldn't have known anything until she came home at seven o'clock that morning. We had a talk about that and she apologized, even though I don't think she was truly sorry. She sort of explained it away that she never gets to have any fun or some such crap like that. Keep in mind I am always trying to get her to go out and have fun like that with me. Needless to say I was a little hurt, but I thought it was a one-time thing.

In the weeks that followed she spent more and more time on IRC. In fact she spent about 90% of her free time there leaving the 10% for me. I thought it was just a phase and would pass. Then she started going out and meeting some of the people that were local to us at least once a week, again cutting into our time even more. When I objected to the amount of time she spent she said, "you can go too", but most of these things seem to occur at a moments notice which left no time to get a sitter.

About two weeks ago she told me she wanted to go visit this female chat friend, who lives in another city, for the weekend. She said she was going to take our daughter on the trip and go to the beach and do other touristy type things with her friend and her friend's daughter. I told her that I wasn't completely happy about the trip because it was again cutting out our time together. Before she left I told her that whatever she did I did not want her leaving my daughter with a total stranger while her and her friend went out. I explained that I don't know either of them, she has only met her once, and other than that she only chats with her online. I went on to say that if she planned on going out she needed to leave my daughter with me at home rather than leave her with a stranger. She said she would never do that and I should give her some credit. She called when she arrived to let me know that they were okay and said she would call again after the following days events. She called about five o'clock the next day and told me all about the things that they had done and I talked to my daughter and she seemed like she was having a good time so I felt a little better about everything. I asked my wife to call me sometime later because I was in the middle of making dinner for the other kiddos. She said she might not be able to because they might take the girls to see a movie. I told just to call me when she got our daughter to bed and she said she would. Once ten o'clock rolled around and I became a little worried so I called the number that she gave me. Her chat friend's husband and I asked for my wife and he said they were still out. I asked him if he knew about what time he expected his wife, my wife, and the girls to get home. He said the girls were there with him and my wife and his were out on the town. I was furious! She completely and totally lied to me. My wife called at three o'clock in the morning and I told her how upset I was. She said she had not planned on going out and it was a last minute decision. She offered a half ass apology and that was the end of that conversation. I found out that they went out and met some more of the people from IRC that were in that city, including the guy she spent so many hours talking to.

When she got back I told her we had to talk and I again asked her if there was anything between her and this guy. She said he was a jerk and there was nothing. I asked her to put herself in my shoes and look at the situation, and I told her from the outside looking in it looked as if she was being unfaithful. She denied it, got mad at me for suggesting such a thing, and she said she would make more time for "us". Well, it still hasn't happened.

Over the past week we talked about the situation and I asked her if it would be okay to set up some boundaries cause I thought our relationship was going down the drain. I asked her not to call that guy anymore, not to see guys from IRC unless it was a group setting, and to stop going out so much with other people and make time for us to go out or whatever. She said she thought that it was unfair that I ask such things because these people are her friends. So I asked her why I couldn't join in the fun and get to know some of her friends either by meeting them or chatting on IRC with her. She said that they were her friends and she needed to have her own friends and a hobby that was her own, something apart from our marriage. She then said that I would just be getting on IRC to "spy" on her. All I wanted to say is "who is this woman and what have you done with my wife?". She concluded that I was being irrational.

Well, I came to find out through a friend of a friend that she did NOT cheat on me. The friend of a friend information is very reliable so I'll just leave it at that. I know for a fact that nothing happened.

We both agreed that we needed to seek out marriage counseling, and I said in the meanwhile I would appreciate it if she wouldn't do all the things she's been doing (going out all the time, meeting "guy friends" for lunch, and calling other guys on the telephone). She reluctantly agreed. So it sounds like we are on the right track.

Her is the kicker. The friend of a friend tells me that she is planning to meet some guy for lunch next week her in town. Now this angered me, because I would like to see what a marriage counselor has to say about our situation before she runs off and does something she said she wouldn't do ... again!

So now the dilemma, should I tell her that I know and ask her not to go (she'll accuse me of spying), show up at lunch and bust her at her own game, or let it slide?

I can't believe my marriage is being ruined by something as stupid as chat.... *sigh*

Also, what does everyone think ... am I way off base here?!?!? What should I do?

posted 08-15-2003 09:11 PM            

Question: Was the cyber sex and phone sex before she lost the weight or after?

posted 08-15-2003 10:58 PM            

Your wife goes and loses a ton of weight and looks great again and that's wonderful. But to you she always looked great. She repays your years of love and loyalty by hanging out in chat rooms, running up your phone bill talking to other men, and staying out at all hours of the night while she shoves the child off on someone else.

Yes, a marriage can be ruined by something as "stupid" as chat. It happens all the time because some people end up taking it way too far. Get rid of the internet (again) and set some guidelines with your wife. Don't let her walk all over you like she is.

posted 08-16-2003 08:47 AM            

Hugs to you. You deserve them.

posted 08-17-2003 04:46 PM            

It sounds to me like marriage counseling is a step in the right direction.. Another step in the right direction might be cancelling your internet service until you can get the wrinkles in your marriage ironed out.. If you can, that is..

From the way I understood it, she was engaging in sexual behavior with people online before she lost weight.. Now that she has lost the weight, she's taken it to the next level.. She's not ashamed to meet people anymore & she probably feels attractive for the first time in years.. Is that an excuse? No..

I personally find it reprehensible that she would take your daughter with her to meet strangers and then leave her in the care of a strange man while she went out partying.. That's both irresponsible and wrong.. Who knows what kind of man this guy was? Or what might have happened to your daughter on that particular outing.. Maybe I'm suspicious, but there are a lot of freaks in this world..

I would be very curious to know whether or not your wife has a job.. And if so, whether she pays for the high priced phone calls and internet related bills.. If not, I think it's time that you stood up for yourself and your marriage & either told her that she needs to a.) get a job or b.) learn to live without the internet and long distance phone calls..

I'm certainly not sexist by any stretch of the imagination, but what's going on in your marriage and what your wife is doing right now can only be considered wrong and suspicious..

posted 08-18-2003 12:48 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by roni624:
Thomas....I am so sorry to hear this. You sound like very understanding and lenient husband. It seems with this new look your wife aquired she has also aquired a new attitude to life and has left you behind. I know my husband would NEVER let me meet chat people (man or woman) more less go out of town to see one I barely know. I cannot believe she is doing this. You must love her very much to have put up with this much so far. Counseling would help if she agrees to practice the advice given in counseling. I know if my husband was doing this to me I would give him one chance to shape up and if continued (especially when lying becomes a factor) I would ask him to leave. This is something I would not want my children seeing...more less be used as a cover for this kind of behavior. That is great she has lost her weight and feels likea new woman but the only man she should be showing off to is her husband..you. It is one thing to go out and grab attention with your looks but she is enjoying this a little too much. I have made friends over the internet but it stays internet only. My husband has access to all my mail and I show him everything that is going on because I want him to be a part of it. I could stand to lose some weight but when I do I want to stand by my husband and make him happy to be with me. I do tlk to men on these boards but it is only on topics and does not go beyond that. I pray for you and your family and I hope a change for the better comes out of this mess. Good luck to you, Thomas-Roni

Question: Was the cyber sex and phone sex before she lost the weight or after?

[This message has been edited by roni624 (edited 08-15-2003).]

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posted 08-18-2003 12:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by poreoilyme:
You didn't say HOW she lost weight, so this may be a temporary phase during which she will do lasting damage to her relationship with you, if she regains the weight, which most people in fact do. Have you ever seen The Awakening?

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posted 08-18-2003 12:57 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Creeping Crud:

I would be very curious to know whether or not your wife has a job.. And if so, whether she pays for the high priced phone calls and internet related bills.. If not, I think it's time that you stood up for yourself and your marriage & either told her that she needs to a.) get a job or b.) learn to live without the internet and long distance phone calls..

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posted 08-18-2003 01:10 PM            

After talking with her I really do get the feeling she is naive. She thinks all these guys want to be her friend. But hey, it takes a guy to know a guy, and I think they want her for a more intimate relationship (most at least). In fact, one of her chat friends already proved my point on this when he came on to her the other night when they were chatting. When she refused his advances then he started acting like a jerk and such.

Does she really think most of these people would travel over 20+ miles (and one guy would rearrange his travel plans) just to have lunch with a "friend" that they haven't known long and have no romantic interest in?

Of coure not ... they want her.

posted 08-18-2003 07:24 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by roni624:
You mentioned she did the whole cyber sex thing before her weight loss. What was her excuse for it? Could there be something missing in your marriage that she is failing to tell you?

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posted 08-19-2003 07:36 AM            

I myself am nigh-on lacking the "friends out of the relationship" thing because I am shy and don't know that many people but I do try and I also have some me-time and spoil myself - if helps to feel independent and self-confdent because otherwise you end up feeling like you depend on the other partner to "be someone".

Your wife has obviously not had any of that for a long time, due to her low self esteem - I can understand that she feels the need to "catch up" on lost time now but she has to realise how hurtful this all is to you!

You don't have to cheat on someone to make them feel unloved and betrayed - if you spend ALL your spare time with others and treat your partner like they are not there then the hurt is just as bad!

I really hope you can help her to understand that, while you understand her need to be independent and have her own itnerests and friends, this freedom should not mean excluding YOU from her life almost completey!

I myself met my ex-husband on the Net, and he got more and more hooked and kept "Living" on the net, he spent so much time on there eithrr doing his website (he had had that since before we met, but he had never spent quite that much time on it), posting on message boards (his own, those of Net buddies), chatting to the same people on IRC or on ICQ, or chatting to others on a music-related forum.

I felt hurt and neglected and it all just contributed to me losing the last of the feelings I had left for him, less than 2 years into the doomed marriage

That alone would not have led me to leave him (there were temper issues as well) but it just added to the problems, as did his reaction when I asked him to spend more time with me ("The website was there before you!").

Red

posted 09-10-2003 12:32 PM            

She went to the doctor and she was diagnosed with "aggravated deep depression". The doc also said there is a good chance she might be bipolar as she has a lot of those traits as well, but they have to take a wait and see approach to really know for sure.

She will be moving into her own apartment at the end of the month. She tells me that she still loves me and wants to be with me, but that she just needs some time alone. She followed that up with "I don't want a divorce and I believe that we will work it out". She also said she doesn't want to date other people and wants to remain monogamous.

Obviously I was disappointed, but I thought that maybe this might give her what she needs and she would eventually come back. Since then I have learned that she has been telling her chat friends that she doesn't want to be married anymore and I believe that she might have found someone online that she wants to have a relationship with. I'm not sure if she is telling her chat friends the truth since she has told them other things that just aren't true. I think she has painted a picture that she is a lonely victim of being married.

At this point I don't know if she is lying to me or to her chat friends, but I guess I'll know soon enough. I really don't think I could take her back if she was unfaithful to me, but I have no guarantee that she will be honest with me anyway. I will definitely leave her alone, mostly because I am so confused that I think talking to her without her initiating the contact will drive her farther away. I guess it is all up to her at this point.

posted 09-10-2003 02:32 PM            

Sounds like a mid life crisis to me.
You are a faithful man. A good man.