posted 10-24-2003 08:48 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by dd50:
I'm in a bit of a shock, hurt and angry tonight

that he believes he married me only for the SEX!

Man, did THAT hurt! That was a shocking revelation, and very hurtful ... I was angry, in shock and very, very hurt.

Hugs,
Dee

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At this point the fact that anything shocks you about him is well confusing to me.

1) You already knew he didn't love you
2) He leers
3) He hurts you & abandons you.

Please help me understand how you could be shocked, hurt, angry at ANYTHING he has to say?

posted 10-24-2003 02:51 PM            

And because I still love him and am bonded, as it's suppose to be in marriage ... and that's not easy to break. Or maybe I AM just crazy!

posted 10-24-2003 03:23 PM            

In your first post you wrote how hurtful it was that he stared at younger women, then went on to imply that he had a problem with younger women, possibly even a pedophile or an incestous attachement to his daughter(the post about him dancing too close to her and not to you). You really got us all going there, raised all of our radars.

Then you post that he says he is not in love with you anymore, his love has changed because you are too different. "That is his excuse", is actually what he wrote. That is not an excuse, that is a statement of his feelings.

Through out the entire thread has been an underlying implication that he is not a very moral or trustworthy person. I know you have discussed these feelings with other people, you have mentioned his ex-sister-in-law and the ex-wife. Could you have tried discussing him with your current sister-in-law and that is why she doesn't seem friendly. From the sound of things she always has plenty of company at her house and that doesn't make her seem too unfriendly, is she friendly to most people except you?

You mentioned that you had no family or friends that you could turn to if you should decide to leave him. Why not? You mentioned some sons in reference to your sister-in-law. Do you have any sisters, aunts, cousins? Why could your sons not help? Have you alienated yourself from your sons? Have you alienated yourself from your friends? Have you alienated yourself from the rest of your family? If you have, what happened there?

The reason I asked if you had a hidden agenda with the beginning of this post is you tried to get us all on your side, he was so terrible, so untrustworthy, possibly a pedophile, disrepectful of you and now you want to go to counseling to save this marriage? A marriage to a person that has told you he doesn't love you, told you that you are too different.

Have you been too needy and demanding? Only you know the answers to those questions. Only you know why you couldn't get any help from family or friends, only you know why you want to try to save a marriage that you implied was not so good.

If you are willing to continue to try to save the marriage then I feel like you have done him a dis-service by trying to convince us how bad he is, if he is as bad as you have described, what do you want to save?

posted 10-25-2003 09:54 AM            

Well ... to tell the truth, I'm as confused as YOU are, only much more so!

On the one hand ... I DO love this man ... but on the other hand, I know I'm not all that happy with him, and don't feel truly loved.

I believe the combination of him trying to convince me that everything is my fault, and doubt in myself as a person, makes for a very confused mind!

Let me answer your questions:

Everything I've said IS true .... and he DOES hurt me by looking at women constantly. He CAN be insensitive and hurtful (cold and cutting), just as his father was, and his brother's are.... and also his sisters. It's a part of the family.

I understand that 'we're too different' was his statement of what he thinks is wrong ... but what really bothers me and hurts me ... is that all though I have my faults in this marriage ... Jim does NOT see anything he does as so wrong. The last marriage counselor we saw even noticed this. He tends to say, 'yeah I know I SHOULD change that, or work on that', but then he doesn't. He said that Jim doesn't seem to want to 'go outside of his comfort zone' to work on himself of the marriage. Lazy was a word that was used.

So I guess the fact that he's seemingly falling out of love with me (same thing happened in his first marriage) because there has been pressure to work on things and put some effort into it, just makes me really angry and hurt ... because HE can't deal with the responsibility of a relationship (marriage), then he's blaming ME for the problems ... that's very unfair! I guess I wish I could get him to see that it's not just ME .. but some of both of us, and if I'm willing to put my heart on the line and work on us, why isn't he? He did love me once ... and he's even told me over and over, how much different I am than all the women in his life before me ... that I'm much more loving and emotional and spiritual. What was THAT?

The other night we were talking ... and we got into some deep areas, and he stated that maybe he didn't even know what love was ... or what marriage is suppose to be .. and maybe with me, he married me only for the sex ... in the beginning, and the same for his first wife. It seems that he's ok with dating and casual sex .. but when push comes to shove, when you need the REAL stamina to hold it together, he just doesn't want to bother, doesn't want to budge.

NOTE: he was NOT happy talking .. he never is, whenever I talk to him about US, he's very irritable and angry.

As for the other things:

No, I've not discussed this with his current sister-in-law, if you knew here, you'd understand. The only reason she has lots of people at the house has nothing to do with HER, it's men who are working on the race cars and snowmobiles ... men who are friends of her husband. The girls are her son's girlfriends. .. but as for Jim's own son and daughter, and several other family members, they agree that she's very unfriendly and a back stabber. She will be nice to your face, shall I say 'civil'.. but talk badly about you behind your back, she doesn't have many friends because of this. She is NOT friendly to most people, no ... they are there because of her husband.

I said I had no family or friends that I could get help from, as in staying with them, not that I had NO family or friends. I have 3 sisters, one is raising her grandchild and has a suicidle daughter, who is in and out of hospitals and has NO emotions to help me right now... there's no way I could stay with her, she's under way too much strain now. My 2nd sister is in another state, and we do talk on the phone, but she's on disability and is very sick. My 3rd sister is enstranged from me and we do not talk.

As for other family, we've never been close ... and that goes for most of my sisters, not just me.

I have 2 close friends and several casual friends, but both of them are having many many problems of their own, and all though we talk on the phone, there's no way they can help me. As for my church and casual friends, when I married Jim ... I was just about forgotten! Except for a few who have contacted me once in a while .. but they only want to keep it on a casual relationship.

I haven't alienated anybody and my sons are very close to me emotionally. One son is very sick with cfs, and on disability (CFS runs in our family), and talks to me when either of us can afford the call .. but he's in Seattle, and I'm in NY state ... so we can't see each other. My oldest son does help me when he can, but he's saving to move to NYC in the spring ... which is good he'll be close to me, but he can only send me money every once in a while ... actually he's going to be sending me some soon, but not allot .. not enough to get started in an apartment, a room maybe, but that's all ... but I've applied for disability myself, and it's been 5 months, and I should be hearing something soon ... so it kind of messed me up. I can't leave here and live on my own without an income, but if I attempt to work it will mess up my chances of SSI ... but I can't sit and wait forever either, and that's the ONLY way we can separate ... if I either recieve SSI or work. I'm between a rock and a hard place!

I can't really explain why I'm still fighting for this marriage ... except I took my vows very seriously, and for life. I know he's told me he doesn't love me anymore, and maybe I'm stubborn ... but it's for a good cause. I don't understand how he can say he DOES love me one week, and say he doesn't the other ... I just feel if he could attempt counseling once more, he could perhaps 'learn' how everybody has to work on marriage and work on marriage to be good ... it doesn't just 'happen' the way he thinks it does. He thinks if it's a different woman, it will work .. but what he's not looking at is he's had the same problems with all of the women in his life .. even the young girl that was suppose to be 'his fantasy come true'.

She ended up leaving him for another older man! He just doesn't understand that many couples have the same problems as we do ... not all of them, but many of them ... and if they really love each other, they work it out. He also told me the other night, that most likely because he never recieved the proper love as a child, that maybe he just doesn't know what love is ... I believe that .. but he can LEARN if he wanted to take the time to ... I just don't think he does.

"Sigh"

What it all boils down to is how long I want to drag this out ... and keep trying. At this point, I do agree we should separate but not divorce. He will agree to that he says ... and I'd like to live apart for one year, possibly go to counseling if he will, and see how things are at the end of that year. I may be at the place where I don't want to be with HIM, or visa versa ... but at least I feel living apart takes the pressure off us ... and the counseling will tell if there's ANY chance for us. Prayer will help also.

OK .. I'm done typing .. my fingers are hurting!

Hope this clears things up .... keep in touch.

Hugs,
Dee

posted 10-25-2003 05:06 PM            

OK ... Jim and I have decided to separate for one year, to give us both time, space and a stress free enviroment ... so we can both get counseling and I can work on myself (making myself happy), and he said he'd consider counseling for himself and for us together, unless of course, I end up moving closer to NYC to be near my son ... then we will go separately.

I'm not 100% sure he WILL go, I can only pray that he does. As for me, I want to lose weight (for ME), get therapy, work on my self-esteem and eat better, take vitamins and try to build myself up physically and emotionally ... who knows, at the end of the year, I may feel completely different about things.

The only problem now is deciding how to do this, because I'm waiting for SSI's decision, and I'm not sure how much longer that will take ... and if I move out, I have to support myself somehow, Jim is giving me 400 a month, but I can't live on that alone. If I work, (which I'm not even sure I can) I screw up SSI.

So, it's a hard situation all around ... and we're not sure what to do?

But at least we talked today .. while eating a hot fudge sundae together .. after eating at McDonalds and Jim being in a GOOD mood for once, and joking with me.

I have LOADS of crap still in my head ... and heart, and I really need therapy bad ... but for today it was nice to laugh.

Just wanted to let you guys know what's going on.

P.S. What would you do in my situation about waiting for SSI vs trying to work to support myself so I can leave?