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Posted by Terri Nevins on January 19, 2000 at 09:49:18:

In Reply to: Wife of ADD Husband posted by Victoria on January 18, 2000 at 11:13:12:

: Help! I am worn out dealing with ADD-I try to understand and try to accommodate and compromise-try to
: keep a sense of humor-try to "not sweat the small stuff" but it seems to be all one way. I am tired of job changes and moving-tired of conversations that last for a few seconds before he literally leaves the room-I am tired, just plain tired- any other spouses?

I am not an ADD spouse, but am the spouse with ADD. However, I have gained some insight that may be helpful to you. I have struggled my whole life to get better at just about everything. I have all the tapes and books on organization, housekeeping, etc. It's pretty sad when you know how things are suppose to be done, but you just can't seem to do it. A year ago, a friend approached me and told me in a nice way that she thought I was ADD. I think she was afraid that I would be upset, but I wasn't, because it fit and I never would of thought of it. You couldn't imagine how happy my husband and I were to hear this news. Finally a reason for all this. Just knowing is half the battle, actually knowing and accepting is half the battle. Getting back to your needs with your husband, he needs to realize and accept that he is ADD. Through all this, my husband and I for the first time understand where the other is coming from. Understanding on both sides is critical to a relationship. I understand how difficult and frustrating it has been for my husband and through continually working on new ways to combat this, I have been able to make many gains in the areas that have been most frustrating to my husband. It hasn't been easy. I have seven children, the oldest is mildly autistic and a very imature 17 year old, the youngest is 18 months and I have 1 diagnosed and two others being watched for ADD. I guess what I'm trying to impress upon you is that there is hope for your husband. He first will need to be willing to do something about it. You need to understand that life as an ADD person is (from my own experience, a nightmare)very difficult especially someone who is now an adult and had been struggling with this their entire life. Just as you need to reach out to him with understanding, he is going to have to understand how this has impacted you. I have watched my husband sink into his own little world for years knowing how unhappy he was living in this situation and not understanding why his wife couldn't follow the simple directions he gave. My side of this was feeling like a complete idiot who couldn't do a thing right and knowing that this was all my fault and I couldn't fix it. I have lived in fear for most of our married life that all my mistakes would send him out the door and if it weren't for the fact that I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and the fact that someone cared enough to bring this ADD to my attention even though she had no idea how I would react, our marriage would be on it's last limb. There has never been more hope for us. We go on dates regularly and although there is still much to be worked on, we are both happier than we've been in a very long time. A year later, I am still working hard at improving, but have done much better controlling my impulses (mainly to spend money) Just being aware of where my weaknesses lie, and there are many, I have been able to keep some control. There is hope. It is so sad to see lives destroyed by this, because it can be helped. I understand your plea for help, and if I can help your husband at all to understand what he can do to help himself and his family, my e-mail address is [email protected] I realize I have rambled on, but I really want to help other people work through this. I believe we are all here to help one another and together we can.

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