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Posted by Sarah on May 31, 2000 at 14:28:29:

In Reply to: Re: spouse with ADD tip-seaker posted by Patty on May 27, 2000 at 13:02:51:

: my beau is in the first stage of seeking professional help and being diagnosed/then treated with a # of things, one being ADD. i've read quite a bit about it...and i'm wondering if anyone who's non-ADD with an ADD-spouse has some specific tips regarding how to most effectively and lovingly handle the constant changing/cancellations of plans and impulsivity (both with the spending and inappropriate remarks) while he's starting to learn about himself/slowly get treatment/make positive changes in his life. His ADD and emotional problems have time and time again nearly destroyed our relationship despite how much we love one another and want to be together. We are both trying our best...I have the big answers...I'm looking more for simple advice on things like--is it best to let him 'forget' or 'get distracted' from the plans he's made with me and mess them up by taking a hands off approach...or can one lovingly find subtle ways to 'remind' him of things he's scheduled (since he has such trouble keeping track of his schedule) like saying or leaving a message 'i'm looking forward to seeing you saturday...blah blah'. And with the impulsivity...often I can let it roll off me and find responses that are mellow or humorous, but sometimes it's like fielding torpedos all day long and really exhausting. Why does it matter? because it's when he acts on this stuff that he constantly gets himself into trouble and ruins our relationship because he can't handle the situations he finds himself in and our relationship becomes the victim of his problems. Anyway, I realize that's a long post, but in the 3 books I've read nowhere does it give specific tips on good ways to deal with that stuff. Anything would be appreciated. Obviously it's a fine line because I'm not interested in running his life or telling him what to do, I'm interested in sharing with him and caring about him/myself/us and allowing our relationship to thrive despite the process he's going through. Oh, also, since he ends conversations about emotional stuff abruptly--any tips for how to deal with that? thanks..
: My son, brother, & I have ADD. Taking Adderall has turned our lives around to where we can function well in areas we were unable to hyper-focus in before & therefore handle well. My son was getting sloppy about taking his Adderall recently. His grades went down, he forgot & lost things, & multi-task functioning was out the window. I took some advice & allowed reality discipline to be his teacher. Big mistake. His truck got a flat, he left it to get a tire jack because he forgot to put it back in the truck, (he also forgot he had a bad tire) when he returned it was vandalized. When the police came he went to show his licsence & had misplaced his wallet, he was stressed & stuttering a bit (typical when under pressure without med.), he couldn't answer all of the policemans questions. I knew the answers & tried to help but the policeman accused me of being a protective mom! (Goodness! I'm the one who called in the first place!) Things are straightened out, but little reality discipline mistakes sure blossemed for us. Suggestion: Adderall med. is non-intrusive & deals with many symptoms effectively. Also, a routine of jotting down plans on a calender on the wall is vital for me; otherwise if I am distracted by something I could miss things very important to me. One more thing - now that I understand ADD & am taking a good med, I've found this condition has turned around to be a real asset & no longer a roadblock.

I do not have ADD, but I am married to a man that has ADHD. Basically, to have a happy marriage with somone with ADD or ADHD you pretty much have to be opposites in personality. I am the easygoing, laid back, resposible, patient,nurturing caregiver and my husband is the tactless, adventurous impatient, outgoing impulsive one. Even though we differ in personality, we compliment one another, and each of us have similar goals for the future. I have often said, and my hubby agrees, that if he were matched with his female equivalent, they'd kill eachother. My husband is the breadwinner in our family, and even though I have a college degree, I stay home with our children and care for the house hold, meaning getting bills paid on time, organizing social functions, etc. Mostly because when my husband was in charge of things like bill paying, he'd set them down somewhere and either lose it or forget to pay, so I took over and everything works out great. His impulsivity has been a problem for me, mostly because he has no tact. If somone is irritating or angering him, he says exactly what he's thinking when he thinks it not giving thought to how it could effect others in the long run. This has been a problem especially with my family and friends. We've argued about this and unfortunalty he views this attribute as a positive one. Basically, being married to someone with ADD or ADHD takes mauch patience an understanding and an ability to steer them in the right direction to keep focused without becoming frustrated or angery. It's hard sometimes, but I think the pay off in the end is well worth it. We don't fight very often, because he knows that even though he's the verbal one, I am the one in charge! (hee hee hee) My husband is the most loving, intelligent person I've ever known and even though he can be a total pain in the ass, his positive qualities far outweigh the negative. So even though it's frustrating, if you think you can have a happy, fulfilling, lifetime partnership with this man, go for it. But if it is an unhappy realtionship with no communication and you fight a lot, it's probably not a good situation to raise your son in. If he sees you in a happy functioning relationship, his probability of finding the same relationship is high. We often imitate our parents, whether we like to acknowledge this or not. Godd luck to you.

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