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Posted by Carri on October 23, 1999 at 15:28:10:

In Reply to: My girlfriend smokes pot. posted by boyfriend on October 20, 1999 at 10:50:57:

: I'm 31, my girlfriend is 35, we've been going out for over 6 months. She has smoked pot on and off for most of her life.
: It concerns me a lot. I am concerned about her health. We both love each other very much and have talked about getting married and having a family together.
: I don't want my future wife to be a pot head, and I also don't want her to suffer from health problems related to her smoking in the future.
: I also don't like not knowing whenever I see her if she is stoned or not, or how stoned she is. I don't want to have serious/romantic discussions with her when she is stoned, but I don't always know, so I tend to assume she is, which can ruin our evening.
: I don't want to lose her, nor does she want to lose me. She has broken up with me a couple times over this, only to come back realizing how stupid it was to lose me because she wanted to smoke pot.

: Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

: Thank You.

I know you are really asking for a way to help your girl friend.

I have been in years of recovery...lets just say mine was from co-dependent behaviour. Truthfully, "it is never about the other person".
Addicts always are sorry! They want to change. NOT.
They just want you to get off their backs and stay in a co-dependent relationship with them so they can feel like they are a truly functioning person...but they love their addiction more than people. She loves marijauna more than need to accept the truth about her as she is.
We can only choose for ourselves, not other people.

My advice is if you love her, move on. Don't demean her further by trying to get her to change or enable her by believing her lies...all addicts are liars. They cannot help but lie to cover their problem. She has not been sick of her selfishness yet. She would rather have pot than you or a healthy baby. Pot is not healthy for her or a baby.
But she likes what she is doing.

This is her it yours? YOU have a choice to make, not her. This is about you.
It is about what you want in a wife and mother of your accepts people as they are and lets them go to learn their own lessons.

We should want to change out of our own conscience, not out of complaints from another
flawed human being. Relationships do not work when they are based on trying to remake another person or ourselves in the image of the desire of the other. So, I think one needs to look at one's self to change one's own direction to make it more in harmony with our own inner selves, which includes letting some people we have collected go out of our lives.

Your lady friend is not selfless enough yet to be a good mom. She is pretty immature still. She may never value herslf or others as much as motherhood and marriage requires. There are plenty of other ladies worth loving. You deserve one as selfless as you...not that I assume you are perfect, but you seem willing to grow up. She does not seem that way. I know all kinds of addicts, and people with addictive behaviour. Unless they come to terms with themselves from inside their own heart, they never change. They have to want to be clean and responsible more than they ever wanted anything else. I don't hear this in your friend.

The most loving thing we can do for addicts is leave them alone with their drug/whatever. Some day they might even get sick of it and grow up.
Their problem is about them. We cannot help them in this process except by accepting the truth and letting go of them. Period.

Which stirs up our OWN inner problem...why do we choose emotionally unavailable types to begin with, going against our true values!?!? All we have control over is fixing ourselves. Work on this and you will be amazed how your life changes for the better. I promise.
Be authentically who you are.
My prayers are with you!

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