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Posted by Barb on April 22, 2000 at 01:33:18:

In Reply to: Re: When is it time for a home &/or assisted living? posted by Maria on April 18, 2000 at 17:46:21:

Maria, I don't think anyone considered you to be childish about your original post. You are being a kind and loving daughter who is very concerned and worried about her parents' well-being. You are to be commended for planning to relieve your mother of some of her burden. My husband has Alzheimer's at this time and is only 57 years old. He has been having problems for about 5 years and is getting progressively worse. He has to take medications for depression and high blood pressure, as well as the Aricept for the AD. I have had to undertake all the decision making, etc. He was used to doing most of that himself, as he is a retired military officer with a master's degree. He can't remember much about our life together, especially things of the very recent past. He frequently tells me he is going to go live somewhere else because he has no "rights" and is being treated so badly here. Those kinds of things are so hard to take, even though I know he wouldn't be saying them if he was able to think like he did before. I have one daughter who is married and they have a little 2 year old daughter. My husband resents having the little one around, as I guess with all her energy she gets on his nerves. That is also hard for me, since the granddaughter is one bright point for me. Anyway, I hope things work out for you and your family. God bless all of you!

: :Thank you Carol and Teejay, for your kind words of support. After writing my post, I felt a little guilty and childish. I know my mom is completely depressed over this entire situation, and what I neglected to mention is that her health is probably worse than his. That is much of the problem, I am sure. She never has had much patience, but with her feeling so lousy all the time...well, things are pretty bleak around their home. (She has emphyzema, congenitive heart failure, non-hodgkins lymphoma (in remission at this time)and countless other little aches and pains. She is definitely competent, but as for being a person strong enough to handle a large Italian man with Alzheimer...It just isn't working out. My sister is now working on a plan to maybe have us kids split the duty of daycare, kind of like a custody thing. Weekends and such. Perhaps, that will give my mom a much needed break. Anyway, thanks again for your nice responses. After I sent my message, I was worried I was going to get a major lashing! I am glad I have a board like this to post to when I do feel MAD. Hang in there too. I feel for all of you. (((hugs))) Maria

: I agree totally with teejay.
: : Rather than to restate her words, I wish to add that your mom is obviously feeling very stressed and angry losing her husband, at seeing him so helpless, at having to do it all herself. There is respite care, and/or you or others might go into the home to dad sit or take him out for a few hours to give her breaks. Understanding might help with your mom's ability to be patient. She probably is so unhappy as this is not the life they had planned together!
: : Try to put yourself into her shoes even if you believe you would respond better.

: : Aside from that many people are being discovered to actually be low-thyroid which results in dementia or low B-12 which also results in dementia, and both are correctable. So don't settle for this til those are ruled out by an endocrinologist and get second opinions outside the medical group! I am sure my mother was low-thyroid as she had all the symptoms and my siblings would not take it seriously so she was never diagnosed. I am a middle child and not taken seriously either. She died with severe dementia and her blood pressure went lower and lower til she was gone. I wish we could have known for sure there was nothing we could do for her, but now we will never know.

: : As to timing for a home, unless you are ready to declare your mother incompetent, she will be deciding that issue. And no, your responsibility is not to take care of your dad in this circumstance and never against the wishes of your spouse. At best such a decision has to be supported by the spouse as it is very difficult to do. Your job is your children and husband.
: : I know it is a helpless feeling. Just put your mom and dad in the capable hands of God, and if your mom agrees on ways you can help then do those things as long as it does not interfere with your marriage or mothering of your children.
: : You will have done the best for your parents if you do this. They don't need you to fix their situation, they just need your loving support.
: : Lord bless you in this most difficult situation!

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