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Posted by Sorry so many letters missing in message-Grandma Peg on August 31, 2000 at 14:52:08:

In Reply to: Re: my husband posted by GROW-UP, for God's sake..and yur kid's sake-Grandma Peg on August 31, 2000 at 14:37:36:

: : I need to vent. Since my 4 year old son was diagnosed with Autism 2 years ago I have no marriage. I also have
: : a 9 year old daughter (mild ADHD). I work Monday thru Thursday, 9 hours a day and spend every spare
: : moment I have doing research to help my son. My son 2 years ago was very severe, only three words, no eye
: : contact, walked on his toes, terrible behavior, hit his head, spinned in circles, played with no one, was in his own
: : world most of the time and didn't even know who I was. I was devistated at first and than became determined to
: : get my son back. My husband (who would do nothing to help just left everything up to me. Well now my son is
: : back (still not normal and is behind) in our world. He talks all the time, loves to play with other children, better
: : eye contact, no bad behavior, no longer walks on his toes, he is saying 6 to 7 word sentences, knows his color,
: : shapes and so much more. He know longer goes into his own world and truly is a different child. I am so thankful
: : to have him back and here those words every day "Mommy, I love you". He is truly a mommy's boy. My son has
: : done so many things that helped him like, vitamin therapy, secretin, gf/cf diet, one on one therapy in the home
: : for a year and a half, chelation, speech therapy, o.t therapy and his early childhood school. I have traveled
: : around to some conferences (DAN conf.) to learn as much as possble. I always do it all alone because my
: : husband is to lazy and has not patience. I could tell you a story that would take me hours to type on all the work
: : I have done for my son with no help. I have been to counseling twice and this has helped but my husband will
: : not. He will do whatever I tell him to do but when it comes to research, doctors. appt. etc. he does nothing. All
: : he ever does is tell me how he is going to change and help me more because he knows that all of my sons'
: : gains are because of me. I also try to have time for my daughter so she is not left out (like girl scouts and
: : church activities). I love my children so much that it hurts and they truly are my life. I never knew how much life
: : meant to me until I had children. My husband is so far behind on what to do for my son that it makes me sick.
: : He is all talk and no show. I have no respect for him anymore and don't believe anything he says because he
: : never follows through. We had our tenth anniversary last Friday and it meant nothing to me. The only reason I
: : stay with him is because of my children. I know that is terrible but I have lost all respect for him. He tells me that
: : nobody would every want me because I am to obsessed with my children. I know he loves his kids but he is not
: : as dedicated as I am.

: : The really bad thing is that I miss having sex and romance in my life. I am truly a romantic person and wish
: : sometimes I could find someone to just have an affair with that would love me for me. I know if I was single that
: : I could get dates but the minute they found out I had a child with Autism they would probably run and with me it
: : is a package deal. I brought these children into this world and I am responsible for there future. Most of the time
: : I just fantasize about a relationship and that helps. I went to my 20 year class reunion a few weeks ago and my
: : husband did tell me that out of my class (over 400 classmates) I was one of the hottest women there. I put on
: : my tight red dress, did my hair just perfect, hoping he would not be able to keep his hands off of me but it did
: : not work. Instead all of my old classmates would not leave me alone. I was even dancing with other people.
: : One guy (whom I did not know but his wife graduated with me) ask my husband if he could dance with me
: : because he just loved blondes. My husband said sure and I did because this guy was cute. I had a few drinks
: : and was pretty loosened up and was trying everything to get my husband's attention and it did work a little but
: : when we left to go home, it was over. I was hoping he would just grab me in his arms and give me that romantic
: : kiss, than pull me in the back seat like we were kids again but No. Sometimes I think he is just to layed back and
: : I am to wild for him. He tells me he misses sex but it is hard to get interested anymore for me (unless I have a
: : few drinks) when I have lost all respect for him.

: : I know my life is over as far as romance/sex goes now but I do have my children and should not complain. It's
: : just that sometimes when there sleeping and everything is quiet I miss my love life. I am determined that my son
: : will be able to take care of himself someday and I do not know what I will do when he is gone because by than I
: : will hate my husband and will probably leave him. I will than be single at 51 years of age. I want to leave my
: : husband but I will not until my son has graduated from high school and able to take care of himself (which will
: : happen).

: : I love that song by Kenny Rogers (buy me a rose -I think that is what it's called) because that it truly me.

: : Just wondering if anyone else feels this way.

: REPLY; Of course, when one parent is gung ho and the other isn't, it can lead to this self centered all aloneness feeling but that's all it is. Those who are acting as these poster say they are are all actintg out a dependency co-dependency cycle. The help you need is found in that kind of counseling, Not the kind which says 'and how do yuu FEEL about the way the other is behaving'.. This IS an obsessive pre-occupation, with seeking answers for our kids And then implementing them. The other person who is not receptive to the info for whatever the reason is not to blame for your alone-ness, your aloofness is to blame. And the immaturity of both is to blame. If the partner who seems disinterested in doing as much as you want them to on the Child's behalf is receptive to instructions, then do that, someone has to be the manager, but do it kindly by asking them to do parts of the help. Remember, you're not the only one to get depressed over the idea of autism on Your child, they are too only they are displaying it differently. One key may be to convince them that this is not a disaster but an opportunity to be the biggest influence and help to their own kids. And give them thanks for their efforts...even if you don't receive any thanks from Anyone...That's Maturity. Those of us who are wrapped up in this effort are expressing the same grief, etc., as them - in this 'obsessive and somewhat exclusionary way..but we may need to turn some of our energy into helping others around us who feel helpless and who have a different way. But to cite the downhill turn of events in your private lives to Their 'dysfunction' isn't real truthful because obsessing is also dysfunctional and in a way, it's placing the blame on the kids and their disorder. A mature person does what they can to help others help themselves by guiding them out of their blues. You wont accomplish anything by pretending that you...we...are behaving normally and they're not. We're all behaving in what's normal for us, both sides. You may be using this crisis, as they may also, as an excuse for your own lack of real intuitive feelings in your partners behalf. That is not only an immature attitude, it's a selfish one. So, get off or out of your mindset and look around. Were all hurting, don't compound it by being immoral too. Grow up. Yeh, been there done that...Gradma Peg Oh, yes, although this is mentioned last, it's the most important and will help you get outside yourself, get acquainted with God and His words for guidance. God Blesses those who bless Him.

Supposd to be saying 'acting out'...tried to amend the words in this version, don't know where those letters get to as it looked okey before submit. Grandma Peg

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