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Old 06-20-2005, 04:59 PM   #3
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 200
cryingskies HB User
Re: I need some help

I have had nightmares since the nite it happens. I bearly ever sleep because of the nightmares. its horrible, it plays over in my mind like a horrible dream every day the whole day long, i can't block it out, i feel like im trapped by it. I have a lot of flashbacks from that nite, and there are certain things i still cant doo because it makes me remember, i havent drank since that nite because i got trashed with him and i mean i was an alcoholic back and i quit cold turkey because i know he would still be here had we all not been drinking. the last time i remember being scared yea i freak out bad., but everyone im around knows not to scare me because i swing when they do it, but a boy at work hid n a box my second day thereand when i walked back he jumped out of the box and scared me so back i started screaming and i jump so far it takes my breath away and i mena ill just shake for like an hour.....ive been diagnosed with a panic disorder that began after my best friends first death....he was n a wreck from drinkin and driving and died twice in it but was revived 3 years before he died for good, and i started having the bad panic attacks after his first deaeth and then i had got to the point where i was off all my meds and doing wonderful hadnt had a panic attack in almost 2 years and then he died and i started having them all over again. . . mostly at nite when i wake up from the nitemares. No I didnt find him..... him and his ex got n a fight that nite, i was outside talkkin with my ex and smoking a cigarette and my best friend come out sayin that dianna slapped him n the face and he wanted her to leave, well they always fought when were were partyin together so it was nothing new, but this went beyond that, we laughed at him and he got so mad he freaked ut n was screamin for dianna to leave, s he come down the driveway n her brand new car she hadnt had for 2 weeks and hadnt made the first payment on. well she come down and my ex will said chris dont let her leave so i was like ok i run down to stop her at the end of the driveway n my best friend runn and jumped on the hood of her car for some reason, well when he did that she jumped out and pushed him down, i grabbed her and started walkin across the road n she said let me get my keys, i said no, ur car isnt going anywhere and i made her walk with me, we got across the street and turned around and my best friend was n her car revvin the engine real high...and he locked the doors we couldnt get him out and he took off made it 3 miles hit a tree and was and my ex will went to lookk for him as soon as he took off, will didnt want to he kept tellin me he'd be back but i had a feeling something bad would happen, so we went, and ew drove right past him 2 times after he was wrecked and never saw him, i guess it was because god knew i would go crazy if i found my best friend like that...all the ambulances started goin past the house with cops and firetrucks and none of them had their lights 4 the cops come to the door and i was upstairs layin n will's bed alone because i was so stressed i just needed to be alone and i heard dianna scream she came runnin up to me and knealt down and she was like chrissy he's gone, and i freaked out i was like no no no he'll be back and she ended up having to hold my face n her hands and look me dead n the eye and yell at me a lot to get me tobelieve was the most horrible nite of my life, i come down hte steps n the cop is standin there going we need a number to call his family so they can come claim his body, it ****** me off so much like u dont claim his body, and they should have had more respect for him than what they did....his family came around 9 that morninng, because he died at 209 and the cops found him at like 3 and he left the house at like 205...i mean he died right away, and right before he took off he had kissed me and told me he loved me and always had and i told him that i knew and that i loved him too, because we would have been together if dianna wasnt my friedn but i couldnt hurt her like that, that was the only thing that kept us apart. . .but i dunno...his family came and his gma had me by the neck screamin in my face telling me it was my fault her baby was deadand i wasnt allowed to go to the veiwing or funeral because its my fault....i blame myself too for it, because i should have got the keys instead of tellin dianna that her car wasnt going anywhere....maybe that will help a little n letting u know if ud say i have it or not, and give u a little insight of the problem i deal with day n and day oput....and coould u please tell me what PTSD is, n dont say post traumatic stress disorder because i know that much, but i dont know what it is, what causes it, why people get it things like that. thanks for talking to me and giving me the okay to let everything out. i appreciate it, and im so sorry that uve gone thru something like this its horrible and no one deserves to deal with it
peace and love