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Old 01-25-2006, 02:13 PM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Dover Tennessee
Posts: 605
emeraldeyes114 HB User
Just Some Bad Moments

I hate these moments when everything seems to come crashing down on my head. Or is about to which feels the same at any rate. I am bipolar with borderline personality and not medicated or seeing a doc. Transportation is a problem and no way to take care of it at the moment. So I am stuck somehow in this horrible position and i hate every single minute of it. I keep thinking I need to sign myself into the hospital but for so many reason I woudl rather die first. It is just a short term solution to a long term problem. It only helps for a short time but things are so out of hand I am not sure of anything anymore. I don't get anything done anymore simply because i spend too much time in a world of my own making. It is easier that way less painful and i get most of the time what i need from that. Though lately the paranoia has been kind of killing even that little bit of peace. I feel this awful thing that I am the most hated unwanted unwelcome person in the entire world. Though I don't have a reason I feel the need for one any woudl do at the moment. I force myself at least to eat one small meal a day and that is hard to do anymore. There jsut seems no point in doing so. I see the future as so bleak the same day over and over again. And I think to myself what is the bloody point of it? Of course, there never is an answer to that one either. I don't have any friends, I don't leave the house except to get cigerettes once in a blue moon and that is it. People suggested that i go to a park but we don't have one and the neighbors aren't all that friendly. So the gloom and doom that I am dreams of death as it arrives on blackened wings. Each more horrific then the last and that in itself is the only respite i have gotten lately. I don't know what I want or need perhaps just to say that things aren't going well or to vent will be good enough though I didn't say really anything of value.... Emerald

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