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Old 09-05-2007, 03:51 PM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 4
PoohandPiglet HB User
Re: mom still same--alz not progressed..but is that always a good thing ?

No, it's not always a good thing. Alz's is a %&^*& no matter how it goes down; my Mom is just whole enough in her mind to know and feel how crazy she is and be terrified by it, and it's a &*()*). I "joke" with my husband about giving her ice cream, and toast with plenty of butter, so she'll maybe die of a heart attack instead of sticking around to waste away from Alz's, but he's not quite as cynical as I am and he's horrified at that kind of humor. I mean, jeez, I'm not talkingaobut feeding her POISON. It's tasty food that she likes, and plenty of it. I'm not exactly joking, though; I'm a nurse and I have taken care of so many patients who are senile and miserable and have no quality of life and are miserably rotting out of their skins, but still sort of alive, and I'd rather see Mom dead than like that.

I'm so sorry you're having such troubles. It's really rotten. I'm at the point of not liking Mom much ofthe time, because who would like someone who's as annoying as she is, asking the same question over and over, making ghastly messes, pinning me to the house? It's a feeling I'll haveto muddle through somehow, and trust it will pass, but right now I feel kind of lousy about disliking my Mom so much; my husband does NOT get it and would tell me, meaning well, that I shouldn't feel that way, it's wrong. He's sort of pathologically good.

I feel for you, in this holding pattern. I am about there; Mom's declined but not so much that I'm free of the dripdripdrip like water torture irritating questions which jangle me down to the cellular level, and the constant vigilance it takes to keep her safe. I am frankly awful enough a person to say that I can't wait until she's fully and completely out of her mind and I can hand her care off to strangers and be free. I can love her again, and not feel the resentment of her smothering me.