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Old 06-19-2009, 09:19 AM   #5
Junior Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 22
Abigail121 HB User
Re: Mother is Dying of Lung Cancer, sister doesn't care...

Thanks for sharing your story. I actually do have a full-time job and while I do live with my mother I am not living there expense-free. I help her with bills and groceries. She is leaving me the house when she dies, as I am the only child with no family or home of my own.
I don't mind caring for my mother, I find it to be a privledge and honor to give back to the woman who gave so much to me- who gave me life. I just wish I didn't have to deal with my toxic sister on top of it all.

I wanted my mother to have the dignity and comfort of dying at home in the care of those who love her. I couldn't stand to see her in a nursing home wasting away all alone. Your sister needs to start her life again, but I admire her for choosing to take time to care for your mother.

I hope when I have kids and get old and dying, they will take care of me instead of leaving me alone in some cold, lonely nursing home while they go on about their lives untroubled.

Originally Posted by caringsister54 View Post
Dear Abby

You seeingly have made inroads in growing up but you also have some more to do. You need to dis-engage yourself from this sister who is mentally ill.

Focus on your mother -- But I hope you are working. If not, get a nurse in to take care of your mother and you need to go out and get a job, even if its part-time. What are you going to do when your mother passes.

First off, your siblings have rights in the house that your mother owns, or has it been transferred into your name only. When your mother passes, you may find that you will be out on your own and having to move.

You need to get some sort of life for yourself now to prepare yourself for the future. I understand the demands of a sick relative but I also saw what it did to my older sister who chose to gave up her life for my mother -- she didn't look for work, and chose instead to stay home and work 24/7 until my Mom's death. The house is now in both our names.

I myself had a life. I lived next door in the other side of the house (it was a duplex), but I got married, had two kids, and was happy -- my husband died in 2005 so I was there for his doctor appointments and the runs to the hospital when it was necessary.

But I didn't and wouldn't dare give up my life for my mother. I won't even do it for my sister who now has no job, no friends, no hobbies, no nothing! I have two kids and I gave them life. I also raised them and gave them their moral and ethical foundations on which to build. They are both in college and one is soon to graduate. When he does, I'll take him out and work with him on getting his own place. When my daughter graduates, it will be the same thing unless she moves in with her boyfriend in the meantime.

Me? I am dating (my sister wonders why I feel the need to do this again), and I have friends who I go see, travel with, spend time with, etc. I am hardly ever home.

I begged her to put my mother in a nursing home only because I know my mother expected this of my sister but I didn't. I needed my sister to have a life, some sort of a life, any kid of a life! -- now everyone is saying "you need to take care of your sister.". She's 4 years older than I and was always 'taken care of' by my parents until my mother got too bad to cook the meals, do the laundry, and clean the house. Then it fell on my sister.

Now she's 8 years older than she was, hasn't worked in 8 years, and is not interested in working. I understand her need to take time for herself but there's no money coming in for her and the any money my mother may have had will be long gone - very fast.

So please don't expect anything from your siblings because you'll only get frustrated and angry. Take whatever help the others give you and just move past this. But know that as soon as your mother goes, I'm sure this sister will come with her hand out for her "fair share" be prepared.

Knowing my husband was sick around the time my mother got worse and then he suddenly died in my arms in my house, my sister thankfully didn't expect much of me in regards to my mother (who I never got along with, I was abused by her for most of my life -- physical, emotional, and mentally. My sister was always her 'good seed' I was always the 'bad' seed)

Seek the assistance of hospice and/or visiting nurses who can also give you respite time. Prepare your life for your future.