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Old 12-21-2009, 12:34 AM   #1
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: IL, USA
Posts: 289
TryAgain121 HB User
"Messed Up" doesn't even describe it

So, I saw a therapist earlier this year. I BEGGED him to tell me what was wrong with me. But, he thinks I just lack confidence. While I admit that is an issue, it just seems so small when I take into consideration all of my flaws. I don't really have friends partially because I have extreme social anxiety. I was mentally killing myself in preparation in going to the local community college last week. I did end up going, but the lady working in the financial aid office pointed out I forgot to sign some of the forms, which I found highly embarressing.

Anyway, I'm still angry at my therapist for not providing more insight, and just being "positive." That's another thing, I get angry at nearly everything. A lot of people say stupid crap that just pisses me off, and then I momentarily fantasize about bashing their heads into a hard object, if only to teach them a valuable lesson. My eye twitches constantly because I am so irritable.

And, I don't know if it is the constant isolation, anxiety, or whatever, but I seem to have problems verbalizing what I want to say/type. A lot of times I am at a loss as to how to finish a sentence. In many instances, it just comes out awkwardly.

Then, I have this overwhelming dark "urge" (we'll just call it self-harm) that manifests itself when I feel I have done something awkward, strange, or unacceptable in a social situation. I really do find my life pointless and wonder why I should continue to rise every morning. It seems so exhausting.

I always laugh at the notion of God because I find it strange why he would make such an awkward, ineffectual, angry, pointless being such as myself. Everyday I wish I was somebody else (not just anybody), as I KNOW there are individuals out there more superior than me.

I get so furious and nihilistic sometimes that I truly think I have lost any connection to human normalcy. Does anyone have any insight?

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