View Single Post
Old 04-01-2010, 04:10 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 7,249
Gabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB UserGabriel HB User
Re: Another Day in the Life of Alzheimers and Dementia

The same things are not working Bear. You call her to invite her shopping, she ask about money, you say you have handle it, she blows up, and you get upset. Somewhere you have to break that cycle. I hate to tell you but you are not going to change your Mom. In this she is going to have to get worse to get better. What you have to learn to do is to let it roll off your back and just do what you need to do for her.

My mother griped, complained, yelled, and screamed at me for years. It was about money. It was about not giving her enough help. It was about giving her too much help. It was about the flipping van and her driving privileges. It was about her desire to move back home. There was always something for her to be screaming at me angrily about.

What did I learn? It was NOT about me or what I did. It was all about what she was incapable of understanding. It was NOT her frustration with me but her frustration because she truly didn't understand what she needed to do. It was the fact that in her mind she was perfectly ok. Her reality was just as real to her as mine was to me. We were two immovable objects going head to head. So I stopped headbutting her. I stopped trying to make her understand what she could not understand. I stopped expecting her to agree with my reality and instead stepped into her reality. By listening to her rather than being put off by her antics I figured out ways around her. I also learned that she didn't remember for long. Today she might become angry because she wanted to go to the bank herself but tomorrow it was totally forgotten and she would follow along with me to the bank or grocery store. I let her use her ATM card to pay for items. The other thing I learned was not to talk about things that had the potential for being upsetting. Instead of talking about going shopping which raised red flags in her head about money, I would just show up and say let's go for a ride. We would end up at the grocery store, do the shopping, I would pull out her check card and let her pay, and we would all go home happy. The input processing goes quickly. Mom was NOT understanding what I wanted her to do. Shopping equaled money and she didn't have any. That was as far as her thinking would take her.

So don't argue. Nod and put it off until tomorrow. Bring in groceries. Let her use the check card. Tell her the bank is closed for the holidays. Whatever it takes but smile and become a bobble head as you creatively come up with delay tactics.

If your Mom is that bad.... are you not concerned about her living alone with the ability to come and go as she pleases?

Love, deb