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Old 05-16-2010, 07:23 AM   #16
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
Hblock321 HB User
Re: what can I expect when I die of lung cancer

Hi I can relate im brand new to the board today. Im a 55 year old male Smoker on and off since ii was a kid Longest i quit was for 5 years But a stint in rehab 3 years ago ( oxicotin for IBS what a joke) got me hooked again. My lungs have always been sensitive to smoke. I couldn't ever smoke a pack a day they wouldn't let me so ive always been about 10 a day.But recently ive been up to about 16. Ive cut back over the last few days to about 9 or 10 because of the cough. About ten years ago they saw a spot but it turned out to be nothing ( thats when I quit )Over the last year or two so I have had occasional bad pains in my mid lower back when im in bed. It wakes me up in the am but once im up im ok. I know its my lungs. I also dropped about 25 #s a few years ago but have put half of it back on but I dont have the appetite i use to I just crave sugar thats it. A week ago someone bought me regular cigarets ( two packs) instead of lights and i couldn't even finish the second pack I was coughing so hard i broke into a sweat. I had to take some zanex to calm down and it helped. I use to have a smokers cough in the am thats it now its all day but worse at night. Ive been trying to hide it but people are starting to notice. I watched Gran Torino last night and it was erie. I tried covering up my coughing during the movie with my fiancees friend who is a nurse sitting next to me I could tell she was noticing. Im not coughing up blood Im not coughing up anything yet just coughing loud and deep and wheezing. I HAD to get up this am because the pain was so excruciating in my back.It normally goes away if I just get up but not today took about an hour and some pain meds and a zanex and i can still feel it two hours later. Im scared to death I recently got divorced after 28 years and am engaged to be married next spring. I cant deal with it any more i confided in a friend the other night that i thought I was dying. My family history is horrible ( diabetes thru out the family Im borderline, heart disease My dad died at 47 from diabetes and heart and 3 brothers with cancer 2-prostate and1-with throat -my twin)But everyone is fine and in remission.Im calling the doctor tomorrow he is a trusted friend thank god. I didn't want to put my fiancee thru this crap But i have to face the inevitable I screwed up I got a chance ten years ago and blew it. And if your one off those anti smoker zealots please dont come on here and tell me how stupid I was.I already know.And Now i may pay for it with my life. My mom smoked for 65 years she is 88 she quit about 15 years ago and it saved her life and she smoked 2 packs a day of benson & hedges. I was able to kick Oxicontin ( pharmaceutical grade heroin that i didnt know ) and alcohol ( piece of cake) Cigarettes are chemically engineered to make them the most highly addictive thing there is except crack cocaine i think. Its evil If the govt. really cared they would Ban them instead of stupid pot . But they make Billions of us poor fools that cant give it up. I honestly dont know how much fight i have in me.I guess Ill find out .I had to give everything to the ex and now im going to leave my fiancée with nothing s we were getting ready to start a new life together but suffering and heart ache. It sucks I have no delusions Most people die from lung Cancer . A co worker s wife just was diagnosed last month and had had surgery already But she has emphysema and there is no cure for that, My aunt died from that horrible disease. I think its a matter of how hard you want to fight and at what price and quality of life . There ive said it Ive admitted now maybe i can do something about it and stop the denial and maybe save my life Its the 1000# monkey in the room now Everyone nows im not right , on edge withdrawn.feeling sorry for myself and cursing myself for putting my fiancée thru this crap to come. I just know it in my bones i have cancerWhen they told me i had a spot ten years ago i knew I didn't then i was tested again about 4 years ago top to bottom with CAT scans about 6) looking for cancer My doctor told me he was sure I had it. He actually told me you have cancer we dont know where it is But they couldn't find it & he gave me a clean bill of health. Thats why I feel so sure now I think it was there lurking the whole time I hope im wrong but I cant live in denial like this anymore Its time to face the truth Ive been a coward I should have gone last year when the back aches started
Best of luck to you and your husband Sorry if I rambled on here i have a lot on my mind as im sure you can appreciate I feel like its my first step in confronting my fears even if its is annoumously

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