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Old 04-25-2011, 11:32 AM   #5
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help


Thank you for you reply. Yes unfortunately he is still at it. The w/e was long to say the least. Although he disappeared on Sat for like 10 hours w/o a real explanation. now if I go missing for an hour - he's on a war path!!!?

I'm not sure about the DV criteria, as I have to say there is no Physical abuse- but I do feel the emotional and mental issues are physically draining everything from my being. TY for the advise on that, but in our area- there is no help available until I'm actually out of here. I can get counseling and things of that nature- but actual means of some financial help will only be offered once I leave here. He's the one with the money,as I'm disabled- so I have no means of getting a place w/o really knowing how I'm going to pay for it. The kids are in their early and late teens, and they have learned to just avoid him most of the time. He will lash out at them verbally if I don't give him what he wants- that's just another way of keeping me in my place I guess - it is sometimes easier to appease him- rather than to have him be mean to everyone around us - b/c I hurt too much from my chronic pain. It's not easy, cause he seems so sweet and innocent to all that know him ( at least the ppl that don't think - like him ). He puts on a show, for everyone else- like he is the one who isn't being treated nicely. Like I'm the one that isn't loving enough, and that I/children don't appreciate him in the least bit. I've been fighting this battle on and of for years now, and his family/friends/co-workers thinks the world of him. They don't see this personality , they see only what he's willing to show - which is all an act.

I'm still looking and hoping that I will come across a place that the owner will work with me - in regard to a security deposit/ 1st months rent. It's not easy though. I'm grateful for this site, as I can at least vent a bit- and still keep plugging away with a poss. escape plan. It's just so overwhelmingly draining at times when I have to cave in to his demands. My self-esteem is beyond low at this point, but I'm not giving up just yet. I appreciate you concern for my families welfare , and just grateful for your posts- as they seem to help me get through another day. I know there are men out there, like yourself that are truly a blessing- and I will always keep that in mind. I just seem to draw that bad ones out , - Don't worry my friend - I will find a way out of here- with God's help.

TY so much- you are a bright star to me - in my world of darkness

[B]tetonteri 66[/B]

This totally describes him to a tee
(As I understand it, people with a true sexual addiction have other behaviors as well, such as having multiple partners because one person cannot satisfy the "addicted" person; watching porn; masturbating; generally just engaging in activities concerning sex, thinking about sex, etc. all the time.)

there are about 10 recorded smut shows that he paid good money for on our DVR- that and masturbation where a big part of his life for many years- he would do it daily ( both ) in secrecy , and we would have sex daily - was never enough. There have been far to many women for me to even consider keeping track of- that kills you emotionally snooping around- to find out what he's up too, he's pretty good at hiding it- when you make the money - you have all the control .

I've spent the better part of this morning searching and reading through so many threads on here about - bi-polar- sex addiction . It's scary to say the least. He tells me all the time that " all he thinks about - all day long - is making love to me - he has fantasies about it everyday all through out the day ". And with so many approaches sexually from him in a day, my responses are a slap in his face ( not physically ). I hardly ever answer him anymore, it's more of a frustrated sigh- b/c no matter what I say ( unless it's[B] YES I'm ready[/B] ) he will respond with things like " oh that's right , me trying to show my love for you is WRONG " or "it's just wrong of me to want to show the woman I love - how much I love her- and want to be with her ". " or how his compliments of me - just make me sick". Now, I'm just like the next person, and would love to truly feel loved- would be nice to know I'm physically attractive to my mate. But in hearing this, can it just be a true compliment.... without the need to confirm it with a sex session, must every thing revolve around us having sex ???

For one to hear they are sexy, is nice ( but in the same manner ) I would love to hear I'm beautiful- my life means nothing without you in it- and if we had to have a life without sex, that would be ok, as I love you entirely , inside and out- for who you are - not what you can physically give me !!!

You're right, he won't seek help- b/c there is nothing wrong with him ( it's me - and my pain ) He has no problems that need addressing by a Medical Professional- in his eyes.

I'm hanging in there, only because I have no choice in the matter. I pray everyday that I know God has brought me to this, now it is he who will get me through it. With ppl like yourself and others , your advice means the world to me. Thank you , for your help- now and always- I'm gaining strength from all of you .


TY for your response- I'm giving everything I have to finding a place. But at the moment there is nothing available here- I've even widened the search to about a 60 mile radius from where I have been for years. Unfortunately I don't believe the courts recognize Mental abuse as much as say Physical- there just aren't the typical signs to show on the outside. It's totally your word against the abusers. And when you have everyone in the surrounding area standing by him- because HE IS THAT GOOD AT ACTING - And no one willing to come forward and say anything against him- it just makes it so much harder to get the help.

Believe me when I say, I'm doing what I can from where I'm at right now. I know I have a long , brutal road ahead of me- but I believe with the Lords help, and support from friends I'm gonna make it.

No, it's not that I have to have a diagnosis for him, but I do have 2 boys that I worry will pick up/or inherit these disgusting/degrading traits from him - as our oldest boy seems to be heading there ( at times) he could be just acting as a young man- influenced by his peers to some degree- or he might be falling into the same way as his father. I see so many ppl live their lives, the way they where brought up ( what they saw ) and if it's something I could put a name to - then they would be able to seek help if needed.

I'm gonna seek some outside support- in the way of counseling, or a support group. I just have to get it all together in my head- I can't be stretched in five directions and come out thinking with a clear thought.

Doing much research on everything I've discussed here- hoping to find something that is exactly what I need. Keep me in your prayers- that I will find peace for my children and myself soon.

One thing, you sound so positive in your statement that I'm being abused. Do we ( I mean the person being abused ) always seem to try to help the other person ? Always trying to accommodate them in all ways. Is that the cycle that we end up in, as we only see what is right in front of us- yet we try to some how make the way we are treated seem like it's our fault in some way.
Sorry about that part- It's just as confussing to me writing it out as it is to you reading it. I just feel sometimes maybe I'm making more out of this- and that he really does love me in some sick way ( his distorted view on love ). But then I look at my children, and how we walk on eggshells when he is here- like we are afraid to even have one thought/ or oppinion- without his help/approval.

Sorry again- getting really tired and still a bit confussed as you can see

Thanks again for your advise, I'm never giving up- just having some doubts ( which I think is normal for someone in my shoes )
Take care,

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