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Old 05-04-2012, 05:46 PM   #3
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 81
Linnia HB UserLinnia HB UserLinnia HB UserLinnia HB User
Re: Need help with my teenager

It sounds like a case of normal teenage boy.

Add in a dose of an over-emotional, easy to frustrate and manipulate mother, and he's got some EASY buttons to push with you.

Stop letting your son push your buttons. It sounds like you are distressed, emotional and upset during these situations, and it probably broadcasts itself HUGELY to your son. He is WELL AWARE that he is the one in control and that you're the one who is upset and doubting yourself. And from the sound of it, in a purely teenaged boy fashion, he is totally taking advantage of it.

So, first thing you gotta do: Calm down. You cannot solve this when you're upset and emotional. So you gotta take five (AWAY from your son) and get a grip on your emotions. You need to work on not reacting to his behaviour emotionally.

Next thing you have to do is decide what's important. What matters to YOU? That he gets good grades? That he is honest? (Honesty does NOT equal disclosure, by the way) That he's polite and/or respectful? No drugs? You may have to make a list on paper, privately, to yourself, about what behaviours and values are most important for you to instill on him. Once you have a list, pick out the 5 things that are non-negotiable, and maybe another five that you'd like to have, but are flexible.

Copy these ten things onto a new list, for your own reference, then tear up the rest. You will NOT be able to control what he learns or what he'll take away from you, so I would concentrate on the stuff that matters most to you and leave the rest, unless it becomes a problem on its own. Devise effective consequences for if your expectations are not met.

Next, I would sit him down and tell him (this is not a discussion - you are the parent and he is the child) about your non-negotiable expectations. Calmly outline what they are and what will happen if he doesn't meet them. Don't let him attempt to goad you or change them. Just say "That's the way it is. This is what is important to me. I'm willing to be flexible about other things, but these are the ones that are NOT going to change."

Next: Be willing to be flexible about everything else.

He's a teenaged boy, he's not going to talk much, but at the moment, his body is being FLOODED with hormones and he's reacting to it as such.

Think back to when you were pregnant. All those hormones and the bad moods. It's the same thing, except instead of estrogen, he's getting steamrolled by testosterone. He'll get better around 16-17 years old.

Some suggestions I would make is that you ask him to be honest. He doesn't have to tell you much at all, but what he does tell you, you want it to be 100% honest. (And seriously, keep your cool if his honesty triggers your emotions - nothing smothers honesty faster than emotional outbursts. If its something you don't like, send him away so you can think about what you're going to DO with his honesty)