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Old 08-18-2012, 04:11 PM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: mississauga ontario
Posts: 3
StellaNeedsHelp HB User
Unhappy My struggle and double life. Vicious Cycle..

I have not gotten therapy or counseling yet. I exercise over 10 hours a week and eat super healthy and do not starve. Than comes the weekend. Once a week for about a month and a half now i binge on everything in sight than i purge. my social life is down the drain and i have social anxiety and depression and now.. an ED. At first i was eating healthy all the time-treating myself once in a while and exercising a lot. Than one day i decided to treat myself after a workout and i couldn't stop. i felt so ashamed and felt so disappointed that i had let my hard work go to waste so i purged for the first time.
At the time i thought okay it's gone i won't ever do it again. I thought it was the end of it.
The days following after i worked out super hard and got back on track eating healthy full meals and not starving.
I told myself i would NEVER binge again to avoid the; guilt, purge, shame.
At first i thought it was only because i missed out on food i haven't had in a while.
But that wasn't why and it wasn't the end of it.
It's been happening one day of the week now sometimes more than once a day. Now i know it is more than just 'missing out on the food i once ate'. it was an emotional thing. I realized i only did it when i was; stressed, lonely, high anxiety, upset, or confused.
Working out had kept me happy, but i also don't have a social life.
If i worked out i didn't care if I'd miss a party or didn't go to the movies.
but my inner child was screaming for me to break free.
My depression kicked in at that moment because it was my body telling me to give myself a break and cut-loose a little. Instead of listening to her i expressed my suppressed feelings and negative emotions through binging -thinking this could make me feel better, that it would take the pain away.

But it didn't; it only leaves me with GUILT & PURE HATE for myself.
So i am getting help for it and i finally told my mom today.
She is the only person who knows about this.
I have been living a double life of eating healthy and exercising than binging and purging.
I can't live this way anymore. I can't let food control me and i have to start listening to my inner child because she needs love too not just my physical appearance.

(It is easier said than done i need as much help as i possibly can, i know i have a problem and i need to fix this.Sstarting to workout and eat healthy- fitness saved my life, but now it has turned into something else and i need to get to the bottom of it)
PLEASE HELP. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY. ADVICE/TIPS on how to stop the binge and how to eat normally again.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-18-2012 at 06:56 PM.

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