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Old 08-26-2012, 06:47 AM   #1
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DirtCleen's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 11
DirtCleen HB User
I feel angry all the time, please read this..

Even if you don't read this whole post please just comment..something,anything. I'm so lonely...

So my name is Mandy. Ive had some problems with depression for a while now. Since I was a kid I've had a rough life. I went through a really bad depression a few years back after I dropped out of high-school. I isolated myself from all my friends and family and picked up a bad drug habit. I dropped out when I was a sophomore but i just recently turned 18.
Just the beggining of this year I moved away to my aunts house and got completely clean. I don't think about it much anymore only every once and a while when I feel really lonely I wish I could get high. But for the most part I'm feeling much better. After I was feeling strong enough to move back to my hometown without slipping up. I decided to move back in with my mom. I've been here for a few months but haven't broken out of my old habits. I don't unusually have any personal contact with anyone and stay cooped up in my room most of the time. I sleep all day and wake up as the sun is going down. I have a controlling boyfriend.. I met him online and I know it sounds silly to be controlled by someone who isn't ever around me. But he helped me to get clean and I got quite comfortable with using him as a kind of 'safe zone'. I still get the companionship I need without having to leave my room... I'm in the prossces of gaining courage to leave him.. he makes me un happy because I feel tied down but I'm scared to leave my house anyways. Its a vicious cycle.
Anyways... lately I feel like I'm really at my breaking point. I feel like the walls Ive built up around me are slowly crumbling away. And its scary. In my fear I've been getting angry with everyone. But I mostly take it out on him becase I'm around him the most.
I'm afraid if I change my life too quickly ill panic and go back into my isolation but if I stay alone any longer ill lose my mind and hurt myself. All I really want is someone who knows what it feels like to be in this hole... no one seems to understand how it feels... they tell me 'if your so unhappy than change it'.. well if it was that easy I would never have ended up in this position...

The following user gives a hug of support to DirtCleen:
Skip4 (08-26-2012)
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