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Old 11-12-2012, 10:59 PM   #3
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Metro Detroit, Mi.
Posts: 328
tearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB Usertearsnfears HB User
Re: the urge is almost unbearable

I am minimizing my family time as much as possible, over thankgiving however we are moving my grandmother from her home into assisted living and this is a major step so we have all been asked to be involved. I do get to cut the weekend short as I have to pick my son up from his father and new stepmother Saturday night.

As for my personal health being a reason to reduce interaction with my family that has never been an allowable excuse in the past, last year I had a hysterectomy the second week in december and was expected to be a full participant in all christmas activities with the family including traveling 7 hours across the state to spend the time with the full extended family. It is my intention to put off any gall bladder procedures until after the first of the year that are not considered emergent in other words if they don't think it will rupture between now and the first of the year it can wait. The pain is tolerable and to some extent a distraction from cutting so that is a good thing.

I had a really bad day today sort of got blindsided by the fact that the guy I have fallen for really really will never get over his ex wife and the rose colored glasses I had been wearing trying to believe that our way less than perfect relationship stood a chance at improving isn't going to ever be more than me taking whacks at my own self esteem. I wanted to come home and just scream and cry about it , I wanted to let the hurt out like normal people do but it wouldn't come out no matter what I did I couldnt even cry a tear over the end of the relationship but the minute I made that first cut it was like a complete release of tension, by the time I stopped only three more later I felt I could go on, I could come on here and talk about how I know it isnt the right way to let go but writing it, singing about, talking to a friend about how I felt when the relationship ended trying to cry, none of those helped me to let go, Yes Flame, my pdoc and I are working on other coping mechanisms but one of his first steps has been that he wants me to elimnate what he considers to be negative coping mechanisms which include: cutting, binge eating, binge drinking, alcohol abuse, prescription drug abuse, and sexual promiscuitiy we have been working on the drugs, alcohol, cutting and sex. while adding things like requiring me to talk to someone in person or on the phone before I cut, get high or do anything else that could be physically reckless.

I guess I have a lot of work to do tomorrow because I broke the rules twice today.