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Old 01-21-2013, 01:32 PM   #3
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Re: Need Help, Boyfriend has a drinking problem

Hi Flower

Glad to meet you and glad to see you are wise enough to seek help in this.

As your thread title states "B[Boyfriend[/B] has a drinking problem." It is he that seriously needs help. He is a 'functional' drunk at the moment as Phoenix has written, but he will progress into a daily drunk. As addicts, we justify our abuse by feeling we are entitled to some "fun" and "relaxation" in life. It progresses in being our primary way to cope with any stress we encounter in life.

He an his friend have such a close bond because neither is going to be accusatory to the other about the drinking issue. And it is, indeed, an issue.

And another major issue, I say to you gently, is why you are tolerating this? Look at where it is leaving you on the weekends, Honey. It is not a way to live at all. A friend and booze have taken precedence in your boyfriend's life over you. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it is a truth that can be seen in your post.

Many wonderful, wonderful people have addiction issues. It is what they do with the issues that counts. Do they choose to continue the indulgence, or do they commit to the hard work to overcome? It is a decision each has to reach on his/her own. There can be no decision until something forces it to become a matter of choice.

What can force the choice? Boundaries. A mate will leave if help is not sought. A job is lost becausee of booze. A recognition of life going nowhere in some reflection. A horrible accident with booze behind it in some way.

Flower, in all honesty, I would advise you to get out now. I know, i know, you love him. I am sure you do. However, his side of the relationship is quite out of kilter. Why do you want to stay in such a lopsided relationship? You are worth so much more. Look who is the one seeking help... you! Sigh.

If you are determined to stay, then the first thing on the list for you is to seek out an Alan-non meeting. Meet with others who have traveled, or are traveling, the road you are on. Listen to what has worked or failed in their efforts to help an alcoholic. Seek personal counseling to figure out why you would even consider staying with a man like this. These are essential things to do.

Honey, I am speaking to you as an older woman who, 35 years ago,faced exactly what you are facing today. I had a man I loved, was married to, and had 3 children with. He is a wonderful man. He is also an alcoholic. However, the relationship had become so lopsided with his drinking that something had to change. I set the boundary.. and I had to be prepared to follow through on my words. I left took the children and left him. I told him that unless he sought help and did the work necessary to bring the addiction under control, he would lose his family. It was terribly hard to do, very painful, but it had to be done and I had to be as willing to live with the consequeces as him. Today, he has 35 years of sobriety behind him.

Think through your options. Stay in touch with us here. We do care and wish the best.