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Old 02-02-2019, 01:22 AM   #5
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 9
Bloombox HB User
Re: Double vision (diplopia) on lateral gazes: meds or pulled muscle?

Originally Posted by yayagirl View Post
Dear Bloom,

Hon, of course pulling at the eyes or the skin around them can damage them.

So far a doctor didn't find that you did permanent damage. That's all. You need to stop that behavior before you do permanent damage.. There is no way that anyone reading about it could know more than a doctor that saw you.

Pulling or rubbing an eye or any body part has the potential to cause physical damage. You admit that you self-harm. It is not your eye or your skin that is the problem. The problem is what you tell yourself. We need to learn to tell ourselves the truth. The truth is you have been hurting your own body parts.

Anxiety is very real, but it is an emotion, a feeling. Anxious feelings can cause one to do all sorts of self-damaging behaviors until you get in a habit of self-harm. Really if you cannot stop your habit of harm, you need to get help to stop dealing with anxiety by attacking your own self.

Anxiety is an emotion. Anxiety is never a reason to harm your body. I understand that people do that sometimes. There was a time when I was pretty self-destructive to my own body before i got appropriate help. So I do understand.

There are good therapists and so-so therapists. A good therapist can help you choose to stop punishing your own body over the things that you don't understand. But to find a good therapist you first need to accept that the problem you have is that you choose to hurt yourself. The same way you choose to harm yourself you can choose to take care of yourself. It is entirely our own choice.

No one outside of ourselves can choose for us.
Thank you for your kind words!

I really don't know about other people, but in my case "anxiety" doesn't sum it up all that well. As I said my psychiatric issues go way further than that. I just CAN'T help turning my eyes as far as I could with the excuse to check on my diplopia. I'm not doing it purposefully. It's compulsive. It hurts like hell and I ask for more.

A good example would be this morning: I unwillingly checked on my left lateral gaze. I saw as double as usual and it hurt right here and then. I stopped... And tried again. My eye felt stuck. I suddenly couldn't move it as far as I could a second ago. It hurt for sure, but it especially felt... I don't know, paralyzed? Tired?

I waited a couple minutes and tried again. I had regained my strength but it hurt even faster than before and got "stuck" even faster. Doing that thing again and again does have an impact, I know it, I feel it, and yet doctors tell me it's impossible.

You can't hurt your extraocular muscles that way. Especially not create any kind of diplopia. And yet that's how I've experienced things.

By the way when I say "stuck" nothing obvious shows on the outside. It just feels like... An overused muscle? Like a tired, painful leg?

I have a very good therapist, a psychiatrist and a couple of GPs following me. Yet I'm told it's nothing without any explanation... Worsening diplopia seems to be linked with terrible things though, especially when you get it on both sides (although a LOT weaker to the right). But nobody's worried. I'm told both this is self-harm and "you can't hurt your extraocular muscles lady!"

Someone told me I may "trained" my eyes to see double, like a orthoptic session that would've gone awry. That I decompensated a problem that was already compensated.. There are a few stories like that.

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yayagirl (02-02-2019)