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Old 03-23-2019, 10:04 AM   #4
yayagirl
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Re: Husband has depression for years

Dear Lady221,

I am so sorry you have such hard things to deal with! You are not the cause of his unhappiness. We can only change our own perspective. Not anyone else's.

Your own mental stability is paramount. This means regardless whether hubby blames you, it's up to you to know the truth and the truth is that you are only responsible for your own attitude and happiness. When you involve yourself in his medical care you do make it look like you are responsible for his happiness. That is not our place, hon. That you don't like how he acts with you does not mean he needs a drug change or any drug for that matter. The problems between you may be relationship problems, not depression problems.

Really it is very common for partners to get enmeshed and to blame each other for their emotions. After all, what our partners choose does affect us. I, too, had to learn the lesson that adults are responsible for what we tell our own selves, regardless what other adults do or think.

There are loads of books written about mental and emotional health and relationship issues. Some books are more helpful than others, of course. For awhile I attended some abuse support groups as an observer, at the recommendation of a counselor. I did this so I could observe outside relationships and I began to see how people blame others for their own emotions and refuse to take responsibility for their own choices. Both the abused and the abusers do this very unhealthy and unpleasant dance. We learn it early on with parents that try to manipulate us into behaving. None of that works BTW.

What does work is the dignity of taking responsibility for our own selves, whether the other person sees they are also responsible for their own selves or not. Eventually they will get it, or we can also move on and leave. That is the choice we make.

The choice we never have is to change the other person. That is not our place. It is not our responsibility. And, trying only breeds contempt.
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~ YaYa ~

 
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