View Single Post
Old 04-11-2004, 11:47 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 896
Angel77 HB User
Re: My son needs help.

I'm sorry that you're forced to watch your son falling apart. As a mom I can only imagine what it would feel like. We are all hard wired to fix our children and that's what you want to do. I can understand.

Men are funny little creatures and while it would take usually losing a life of someone important to us to throw us into such a severe funk, men are thrown when something like this happens. Many men feel as if their position and worth in life are directly related to their earnings, toys and cash in the bank. When that is taken from them, they feel they have no worth. After all, they aren't working, have no money, no toys to show off to the other boys....they don't realize how much value they possess as a person, not just a provider.

My husband was fired from a job when we first got married. He is a mechanic by trade and his boss had him doing front office work, not his style. He told him he was going to cut his pay if he didn't count back money differently (not because the till was off, just because it wasn't the way he did it). Chris told him he couldn't afford it and so he let him go on the spot. The first and last time he was ever fired in his life. It hit him harder than anything I've ever seen! He was so depressed. I had to take on two other jobs just for the basics...ya know like Tuna Helper, minus the tuna?? He was home for three months and you could see him age 10 years in that time. It was heart breaking, and no matter how much he knew I loved him, in his mind, he wasn't providing, therefore not worthy of living.

It's painful to watch at best, mostly it's heart wrenching. I also sense a fear that he'll turn back to alcohol. He's shown some real resolve if he's been off over a year and hasn't started drinking again. He was also probably affected by WTC and the after math...things you don't see. Even though he wasn't there, he was reminded every day of the horror of it....going to a new office every day because the one he was in was destroyed and knowing full well that many died. He may not have known them, but how powerful would it be if you worked at a large place and weren't allowed to return because of a horrible fire? Knowing that this new place is just a band-aid and that the news was going to play pictures of people jumping out of windows to get away or hearing the screams? Does it matter that you may not have known them? knew of them and that's enough to hurt. It broke my heart to see it all and I live in Utah and didn't know a single one of them. Still hurts to this day.

So, my suggestion would be to talk to your son and let him know that you aren't helping out of pity, you are helping because God put parents on this Earth to help their children, regardless of age. If it would make him feel better, he could "pay" you back by providing a service in exchange..that way he won't feel like it's a free ride or a rub in. Ask him if he feels like there's a chance of him slipping back into alcoholism and then ask, open-endedly, if there's anything he'd like you to do to help him..for example.."I know this has been hard on you and I may have seemed pushy when I mentioned AA or counseling. I'm just worried and don't know what you need to help you find your feet again. I want to help, you just need to let me know what I can do to best help you without making you feel worse. I know you feel like you don't want our help and I can understand that, but it's just a transition into what will hopefully become a better situation for you. If you don't know now, if you think of something that will help, let me or dad know. We love you no matter what the situation is."

I know it sounds cheesy, but he needs to feel like he has an out. If he feels cornered, you're likely to get a knee-jerk reaction rather than one from the heart. So leave the offer open and when you talk to him, follow his lead. If he doesn't want to talk about the seventeenth resume he's sent in, don't. But ahead of time I would recommend that you tell him that you don't want to beat a dead horse or make him feel bad, so you don't bring it up. That doesn't mean that you don't think about him or aren't willing to hear just want it to be in his time and on his terms. He needs to feel like a man again, and part of that will come to being free to make his own choices even in something as little as a conversation about where his life is headed right now.

Also, I have a friend who is a head-hunter for a large computer firm and goes all over the U.S. hiring people like your son and has several people even making upto 250.00 and hour!! Never gonna happen in my life-time. And the way his firm is set up, they are the middle man for a company looking for certain computer oriented employees and most are project specific. The more ability he has to travel, the better...more money and more work. The head hunters are paid by the company looking to hire, not the person seeking a job and they usually are paid top dollar for their services. And if his company is like others, they don't care about degrees, they care about tallent.

Maybe have him contact some or look. I can ask my friend what words to search for, proper wording and all...not to bright when it comes to computer terminology or wording...I'm very blonde! and my computer knows it.

Just 'hold his hand', don't teach him to walk. He knows how, he's just figuring out how he wants to do it now. That's our tendancies as moms. We want them wearing all the armor and padding we can find before sending them out to play touch football and then calling in the air-ambulance for a bruised knee...but they're our 'babies' and always will be, that's the hard part for us, we have to step back and let them flounder a little bit. As much as we want to push them back in the water, at best we can spray them with the hose...not a cure but gives them a little more time to get to the water.

Good luck...hugs to you and your family.
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!