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  • Trapped in Verbal Abuse from my Father

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    Old 04-01-2016, 07:43 PM   #1
    Eee1145's Avatar
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    Unhappy Trapped in Verbal Abuse from my Father

    Lately I have realized that my father is verbally and emotionally abusing me. He is constantly yelling at me and my other siblings, often about stupid things. One time I accidentally broke a glass plate and he yelled at me for ten minutes.

    I have anxiety that has never been diagnosed by a doctor. It terrifies me to make phone calls, and to drive to unfamiliar places, and to sing in front of people. Many times, he forces me into situations where I have to do these things. He hardly even registers the panic on my face when he even suggests them. One time, he was trying to force me to call a store for help. I was overwhelmed and frustrated and started crying. He laughed at me. I yelled at him to stop, and my mom got really mad, but he kept laughing. He "apologized" about it later (only because my mom told him to) but you can't apologize for something you do instinctively that goes against any human rationale. My anxiety also makes it extremely difficult to seek help from anyone, especially friends, because I'm too afraid to talk about it. I don't think I would ever be able to ask my mom to get me some professional counseling.

    My dad is the main cook in our house, and during dinner all the food dishes are around his plate. He serves all of us, and often gets mad when we try to serve ourselves. He doesn't let us decide how much we want, and he's very disapproving of ever eating anything but breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I am a little overweight, and he makes me feel extremely bad about myself with his subtle comments about how I need to exercise more, and how a certain food is very unhealthy. I often get dissapointed looks from him when getting a snack, so I avoid the kitchen when he's there to see me.

    He recently lost his job, so he is constantly stressed out, and always home. He often sits in the kitchen on his laptop, and I avoid that area as much as I can because he is so harsh and critical about the littlest things.

    I also wanted to point out something: my family is very religious. We don't swear, we don't drink, smoke, do drugs. I have a theory that if my father wasn't religious, the verbal abuse would be much worse and he'd be calling me things like the b word and other offensive words.

    This is so hard for me. It's hard to pin down exactly what he's doing, and nothing sticks out as a super clear sign of verbal abuse. In public he acts like a perfect father, but in private he swings between a few hours of normal volume speaking and acts of insincere kindness and days of belittling and insulting. He often makes me feel like a child by dismissing my fears and talking to me slowly. Many times when I do something wrong, he makes me watch him as he slowly explains how to do it. I have had to stand there and watch him explain how to fold a towel or stack bowls way too many times.

    I've tried to talk to my mom about it. She loves him, and most of the time he treats her much better than he treats me. One time I was really distressed, and I was telling her how he has destroyed my self esteem. She couldn't wrap her head around the idea that he had anything to do with that. She told me he was trying his best, and that he was raised by strict parents, so he was the same.

    I have a friend who may or may not be going through the same thing. I have never seen any definitive evidence. Many people think she's doing it for attention, or that she's making it up. One of my friends said that she has no reason to complain, because other people go through much worst things. I'm afraid that that's how others will view my situation if I try to tell anyone about it.

    It feels out of my control when he says something patronizing and I start yelling back at him. It makes my mom more blind to the situation, because she accuses me of doing exactly what my dad is doing. But I want it to stop and the only thing I can do about it is yell. And this yelling coming from me makes me feel worse about myself, on top of his yelling. I'm afraid I'm turning into a monster like him, and that someday when I have children I'll ruin their lives.

    I am about to graduate from high school. I'm starting college (far away) in August. I'm afraid that the situation will continue to get worse and worse and there's nothing I can do about it except hide in my room and wait for August to come.

    I feel completely helpless.

    Last edited by Administrator; 04-01-2016 at 08:47 PM.

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    Old 04-04-2016, 08:14 AM   #2
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    Re: Trapped in Verbal Abuse from my Father

    I'm so sorry you are going through this turmoil in your young life. I understand since my dad would criticize and reprimand me a lot too when I lived with him. Do you have a counselor you can make an appointment with at school and share some of your feelings and problems? They can listen and validate how you feel. When you go to college you should try to find someone to talk to at school or find a good friend you can confide in. It takes a lot of time to heal from verbal and emotional abuse. I have learned to talk to myself as my best friend and not my enemy. I have learned to be around positive and helpful people in my life. I wish you the very best. Please try to get some help and learn to stand up for yourself. I was very shy and had to make calls when I was at work and I was so nervous but the more you practice the better it has gotten.

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    Old 04-11-2016, 05:32 PM   #3
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    Re: Trapped in Verbal Abuse from my Father

    Thank you so much for replying. My school's so big, I'm not sure how to get in with a guidance counselor...
    I do struggle to talk to myself like a friend, so I think that's very good advice. I really do feel like I need someone to confide in. I've been hoping for someone like that for a while, but I seem to be in a lot of dead end friendships that are uplifting, but not the kind of relationship where I would talk about my struggles with my dad. Maybe I can find someone like that at college, or go to a counselor at college.
    Thanks again for your reply. I really appreciate it

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    Old 04-12-2016, 06:43 AM   #4
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    Re: Trapped in Verbal Abuse from my Father

    please don't blame yourself for your dads bad behavior! He sounds like a control freak. Also losing his job probably caused stress and his fuse will likely be shorter....I'm not making excuses for him, I'm just trying to explain why he could be acting the way he is. August will be here soon enough. Go away to school, focus on that and things will get better.....hang in there!

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