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  • Mother.

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    Old 06-21-2016, 06:51 PM   #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date: May 2012
    Location: Rutland, Massachusetts
    Posts: 26
    hannah482 HB User

    Hi guys! So I don't know if this is the place to be posting this, and if it isn't I'm sorry and delete it or move it but I have an issue.

    This is about my mother. My moms always been a tad neglectful towards me, but the past few years it's gotten worse.

    My dad passed away October 31st, 2013 (yes, Halloween night, spooky huh?). My mom and my dad weren't together but they were still very much legally married. My dad did 4 years at a high security prison before he died. He was a hardcore drug addict who got caught robbing some places at the nearby city. Me dad was very narcissistic and didn't very much like my mother because she wanted him to stop, but he wanted to keep partying. So my mom stayed home with me and my cancer ridden sister while he did his own thing. When he went to jail, I was 16 (I'm 23 now) so my mom had to take full responsibility for me.

    Well, I didn't grow they way I should have mentally/socially. I begged for years to go arena therapist. My mom said no. While, after my dad left, she went to therapy every week, and I was still begging. And then I turned 18 and the "you're an adult now, do things for yourself" began. By this time, it was too late. My anxiety had crippled me and I couldn't leave my house for very much anything. I couldn't hold down a job and I lost friends. She said I was lazy, I wanted everything to come to me, and threatened to kick me out of I didn't get myself better. She would say "I raised you better, I thought I was a good mother". Eventually my sister saw how bad I was and helped.

    I got help, I got better. I got a job and stayed with it. I'm trying to drive, but she won't let me. I'm trying to take care of myself, but she won't give me guidance. She says "I tried to encourage you to get up but you just sat on that cough. I told you your life was passing you by". She says she won't teach me to drive because I'm an adult. I need to do things for myself. She says that I'm too irresponsible to handle a car. She says I scare her when I'm in the car. And she just goes "I told you to do it and you didn't".

    Now the issue is that I'm in need of medical attention (with no transportation mind you). Example: I use to do allergy shots. Three shots once a week for 6 months. I stopped two months in because whined and cried about how pointless it was and how stupid it is to wait to see if I'll be okay. I stopped because I didn't want to burden her. I'd take her to dinner afterwards, but it wasn't enough. I told her I stopped because I felt bad and she did nothing. I'm getting a colonoscopy soon and it's at a different location than we were to set up the appointment, and hands down I need a ride for this. My mom yelled at the poor secretary saying that she's not comfortable and won't do it. I made her, but he doesn't understand that this is important. She says it's worthless and she shouldn't have to drive that far. She says it's a waste of time. But I need help.

    My mom has asthma. I have asthma and severe allergies (airborne). I've been nice and giving my inhaler to her. Now is time I have it back now. And she won't talk to me. Her thinking is that she took care of me for so long, now it's my turn to take care of her. "I think it's time to make an appointment on your own" I said. "I'll go with you to make sure you get the hell you need" I said. She says "no. This is easier. Why can't you just give it to me. Why are you doing this to me." She says "I can't work without it." I said "it's getting to that point for me as well" and she left the room. She's mad that I need help.

    She mad that I need to learn to drive. She's mad that I need attention. She's mad that people are willing to help me. She's so selfish, she only cares about herself. She feels entitled.

    She wanted to get all this clothing and tattoos but our electricity was getting shut off so I told her now. She sits me down and goes "this is my time now Hannah" and I said "well what about me?". She goes "what about you?" I say "I'm still your daughter and I still need help". She says, and I quote, "yes but you're my adult daughter, I don't need to help you any more". A week after her getting the expensive things, I had to pay 1000$ to get our lights turned back on. That money was for a car.

    I just feel like I'm doing the wrong thing for doing what's best for me. She guilt trips me constantly and it makes me so upset and sad. Ok I'm done ranting. Thank you and sorry for the long story!!

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    Old 06-22-2016, 04:06 PM   #2
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    Join Date: Sep 2006
    Location: USA
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    MSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB UserMSNik HB User
    Re: Mother.

    That is a really sad story but you sound like you should be proud of yourself. It really sounds like you found a way to make it through all this. Good job!

    Have you considered that maybe it is time to leave the nest? Move out. Get a job, get two jobs if you have to- but get out on your own. You can take driving lessons professionally, its not terribly expensive and not only will you learn to drive, but in taking these lessons, most insurance companies give you a break on your insurance. They usually give you 6 or 8 lessons and take you to get your license as well....

    You can rent a room somwhere, find a roommate or you can find a studio apartment and start living your life guilt free. Your mom is going to continue to do this as long as you are with her. Some people like to make others suffer because they are unhappy. It is not your responsiblity. You pretty much raised yourself and you are right- she want there when you needed her. She isnt there for you now dont have to live your life being there for her...she is capable of taking care of herself.

    Although Asthma is serious, I wont say it isnt, for the most part, it can be controlled. As a person living on your own, you can either get health insurance through a job or you can look into state assistance, every state offers something- Federal assistance is also available. Unfortunately there is no easy answer to any of this, but its time for you to start taking care of yourself because you have plenty of years left to make something of yourself!
    Your mom is acting like a child...but since she isnt your child- ignore and do what you have to so that you are in a better position then she is. Move far away if you have to (maybe somewhere that offers public transportation and has job opportunities) and come back and see her when YOU want, not when she demands it.

    Good luck to wont be easy but after everything you have been through, you CAN do this!
    RRMS- dx 05

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