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  • So confused ... abuse or a disorder?

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    Old 02-05-2017, 11:26 AM   #1
    sannyand3's Avatar
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    Unhappy So confused ... abuse or a disorder?

    I and my ex are 50 years old and have been in a long term relationship for 3 1/2 years.
    We were soul mates and perfect and so in love but gradually he became abusive and finally even sought some help for a time when I moved out.
    I moved back in and we were engaged on our 2 year anniversary. Everything was wonderful and then it started again.
    We went to a church class and he even started to go to some anger management classes when I again moved out and broke the engagement.
    However, he felt that his real problem was alcohol and quit drinking and been sober about 8 months. But, he quit AA and is not going thru the recovery process. Then he no longer wanted to go for help regarding the verbal abuse either. "Dry Drunk"?
    It is hard for me now looking back to know if he really is a narcissist and wants to be abusive or the man that I have seen so broken over his failures and hurt he put me thru over and over again. But, without real help we never were able to get to the bottom of it.
    In my reading it has occurred to me that his mother being distant and emotional unavailable to him when little, she was only 15 when she had him, can cause a boy to not express emotions and also the fact that his father is emotionally detached and Greg always thought of him as weak and never wanted to be like him.
    But, so many of us have issues. Heck my mother died when I was 8 and was abusive to me prior to that. My dad is in a cult and will not speak to me but instead of anger I just have more empathy and desire for peace and love for all.

    He kissed me and promised me at his family's on Christmas Eve, our 4th Christmas together that he loved me and was going to be fixed and that we would grow old together.
    Then 3 days later he broke off cold and any little contact by phone was generally cruel. I did see him twice and we were able to be civil and I can see he is feeling but I am not sure what???? I have been no contact for almost 2 weeks.
    In the past it was me that always left and he would come begging to try to do whatever it took. I would think he was going to get actual help and go back. He has never cheated on me and sure of this but he has never done this and broken it, started dating someone, been cruel, given no closure or care for my health (I was almost hospitalized for the emotional distress this caused) and seem to have not thought regarding me what so ever.
    But he put that he is in a relationship with someone since Jan 7th on social media earlier this week. They live 2 hours apart and I know he literally met her online and went to see her about a week after our break up.
    Do you see this as a rebound? Is there any chance that with all of this that we could reconcile and if so what steps should be involved. I feel he is just fearing the internal work that he would have to go through and at this age.
    Can he actually forget me or is he trying to skip the grieving process, trying to find love anywhere he can get it or what. He did say in a text a few weeks ago that even if a new person see's his faults at least he will not be so emotionally vested. Is this the reason for the distance maybe? What about the poor woman that has no clue what his inner demons and struggles and needs are? Not fair to her either.
    He sent me a poem right before he left saying he knew he had crushed, bruised and kicked my soul and that I deserve more than apologies but to have him shield the darkness away from me into the light. His marriage before me was with a woman for 18 years that I am good friends with her mother. She was extremely abusive to him and donít know now if they were abusive to each other or what? Her mother and he both said that she was nuts and even hit him over the head with a ball bat and stabbed him with a fork. I donít know how much was learned and he is still suffering or what. I am nothing like her and everyone says I am like an angel that was sent to him however, over time the verbal abuse got bad and now many have chose to side with him. I am just so clueless as to what is really happening here and miss him so much but also donít know if I should. And why would he suddenly break it off cold, say he wants no help and go to another woman just a few days later? He was not having a affair this I know. He got online and found her immediately and went to her house that weekend. She lives 2 hours from him and it all just seems crazy?!!!!!

    I also realize he may suffer from BPD or NPD but so often in poems and letters and even face to face I have seen him break down so ashamed and mad at himself. Often said he blames himself and is depressed. The times he did actually work with a book or counselor he really began to make changes and I was hopeful but it seems that when it got to the point of doing the inner self work, which is painful but we all have to do it at times, he would just stop and go right back to being emotionally abusive. Blaming, gaslighting, never letting me talk and always interuppting, not allowing fair and balanced communication, flying into a rage or fit, degrading me, unempathetic and always same old story about what his ex wife and parents did to him.

    The hardest part is I have no family other than my 13 yr old son. His family, especially his son, were my family. Finally having traditions and memories and family connection meant everything to me. He has twisted things enough that they feel we just "fought" a lot. They do not want to believe it possible that he could be abusive especially after what he went through for 18 years with an actual abuser!!! I cannot imagine that they think him jumping into another relationship a week after us that he is doing anything that makes sense or is healthy. But, they evade real emotions and try to cover over them so as not to look or feel bad I believe.

    Will he do the same to her? He fell for me right away too and did the same with her. Will it last? Is it real? Can he really forget me and all we have been through overnight?

    Last edited by Administrator; 02-05-2017 at 03:01 PM.

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    Old 03-26-2017, 05:02 AM   #2
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    Re: So confused ... abuse or a disorder?

    Hi, thank you for posting in such detail. I'm going thru the same behavior in my husband and is scary and hurtful. And he broke down and admitted on Christmas too, that he perceives things, interprets things to make himself feel everyone is out to get him, always tells me i think hes bit good enough, horrible words, names, it gets SO BAD. But it keeps happening. I should have demanded help.
    I don't know why I'm posting but I just to thank you for writing it all out because it helps people like me see I'm not alone. This is scary stuff. The made up lies. Hpw do you snap someone out of it and get the loving spouse back????

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    Old 06-16-2017, 08:54 AM   #3
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    Re: So confused ... abuse or a disorder?

    Dear sanny,

    Been there done that...all of it, with all the confusion that goes with it.

    What we have to do is quit analyzing the whys and wherefores and learn to take care of our own emotional and mental health. Then we stop analyzing others and why they choose what they choose, and instead begin making better choices for ourselves.

    No one can fix or help other people fix themselves. Ever. We can encourage them. But we cannot know why they make their choices or help them stop. It is totally their own choice.

    When others refuse to respect us and treat us right, then it is our responsibility to let them go. It isn't loving of them or ourselves to keep hanging on.

    Some times, not always, but sometimes when we really do refuse to accept abuse that person makes a decision to change direction. But unless we see consistent evidence of self-responsibility over a long period of time there is absolutely no reason to believe it.

    We do make our own fate. So choose wisely who you allow back into your life. We don't need or deserve negative and demeaning drama. And the older we get the harder it is to deal with; it makes us physically ill.
    ~ YaYa ~

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