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-   -   Is this abuse? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/abuse-support/1040335-abuse.html)

autumn1117 01-30-2018 02:34 PM

Is this abuse?
 
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 4 months and this is the first time he has ever had a mental breakdown and I was there. I was trying to comfort him but he completely wouldn't look at me or talk to me. Then he began to cry because I had to head home. Instead of going home I comforted him and was rubbing his back in trying to cool him down so he didn't get sick. And everytime I go through something like this he tries to make a joke to make things better, so I did the same and told him that princesses aren't allowed to cry. And he got instantly mad and took the pillow that he was holding his hand and threw it at me and told me to stop talking. After that I got up off the bed and I stood in the doorway and I was completely terrified and in shock and didn't know what to do. So he got upset with me because I was upset that he threw a pillow at me and he tried to get me a look at him but I couldn't even bear the sight of his face. I don't know if I'm taking it too far but it's taken a toll on me and he scared I'm going to leave even though I don't think I should.

Seraph 01-30-2018 05:56 PM

Re: Is this abuse?
 
Does he have an actual mental illness? That would make a difference; however, if you are afraid of him then you should step back and be very cautious about proceeding with the relationship. Listen to your instincts, never mind what you 'should' do. Take care, Sera

MSNik 01-31-2018 02:20 AM

Re: Is this abuse?
 
I was going to ask you the same thing. What do you instincts tell you? Something sounds very strange here.

If your bf has a problem and is being treated for it, that is one thing...if he is just acting like this to control you...please run the opposite direction and do not look back.


This sounds like it is not a very healthy relationship.

sg703 01-31-2018 09:29 AM

Re: Is this abuse?
 
I have had abusive relationships my whole life, I want to tell you right now, there is no reason why you should feel bad for reacting the way you did, what he did was abusive, I ask you to please consider your safety, no matter how angry or sad someone is, there is no reason to physically attack you. Even with a pillow!

quincy 01-31-2018 11:35 AM

Re: Is this abuse?
 
It sounds like you are in a dysfunctional relationship and aren't knowing how to communicate emotional issues. You saying princesses don't cry as he does to you didnt work.....so it would be good if he can understand that actual empathy can go a long way....as does talking. He was probably saying that to in the past because he sees you as strong.

It's your decision to stay in the relationship, but with clear boundaried defined. You both can maybe seek counselling together to see how good communication can work.

I suspect his throwing the pillow was an extension of his frustration and possible confusion (we don't know the issue that would have caused him to cry), embarrassment of the meltdown, as well as you mocking was possibly a perceived insult.

Talk with him on neutral ground and ask he explain his situation and behaviour. Has he apologised, has he taken responsibility for that behaviour?

Please stay connected and give us more info on perspective. Remember, it takes time for couples to get to know each other, and age and experience has a lot to do with interaction when distress takes over.

q

yayagirl 01-31-2018 01:13 PM

Re: Is this abuse?
 
Dear autumn,

Calling a man a princess can be perceived as a very clear insult. Like calling him a sissy or girl. It is possible that he has memories of being called feminine names when he was a child. Saying princesses don't cry to a male can be considered to be an insult and probably shocked him, coming from someone that he trusted.

I suggest that you not say things like that to guys. It is the same as saying 'you are weak' or 'be a man' or 'don't have emotions' and really means "I have no respect for what you feel'.

I think maybe you didn't mean to insult him. If you grew up hearing that kind of comment you need to make sure not to repeat it. That doesn't mean that he should resort to hitting, either, not even with a pillow. I think both of you need some serious counseling about how to communicate.

Perhaps when things cool down you can tell him you seriously didn't mean to hurt him and can ask if you two can have a talk about what happened. Be sure to tell him you were joking and didn't mean to hurt him.

And, you may need some counseling to undo some of what you grew up with. That was not a kind remark that you said to your friend.

Love,


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